Compare it to nail polish, of course.
There’s something about advertising that I just love. I think it’s the challenge of figuring out how to take a product that is not that inherently interesting (toilet paper, plastic sandwich bags), and sell it to a specific group of people. How do you convince single mothers that Brawny paper towels are a better choice than Bounty? Why would men over 60 want Hot Pockets over Hungry Man? And I love the way that a good ad can make me believe in the impossible. Maybe Coca-Cola really can bring world peace. Perhaps, if I just drink enough Gatorade, I will turn into Michael Jordan. This is America — why the hell not?
Yes, that’s right. In case the connection between those two subjects is not immediately obvious to you, the words are positioned right next to four pieces of pork loin, cut at an angle and arranged in such a way that they resemble fingernails, albeit fleshy, pink ones that are garnished with hot pepper and a sprig of peppermint. Still confused?
“I must confess, I always keep a bottle of clear nail polish in my bag,” the copy starts. “It’s my estrogen equivalent of duct tape. I can fix just about anything with it — a run in my stockings, a chip in the windshield, that loose knob on my dresser. I even dip those small ribbon knots on my lingerie in nail polish to keep them from coming untied.”
OK — aside from the questionable choice of the phrase “estrogen equivalent of duct tape” in ad copy (and the assertion that clear nail polish is a good carpentry solution), I see what they’re going for. Nail polish: It’s not just for manicures anymore. Perhaps this is an ad for Sally Hansen?
Nope. It continues with what has become my new favorite non sequitur in American advertising: “Likewise, I always keep a pork tenderloin in my fridge or a pork roast in my freezer.”
“I can fix just about anything with it lickety-split, too.”
At first I thought the ad was suggesting that women dip their lingerie in bacon grease (works well with certain men) — but no, silly me, they’re talking about “fixing” dinner! “Asian Grilled Pork Tenderloin, Hawaiian Cobb Salad, Smoky Pork Tenderloin Tacos.” And then, the tag line: “The Other White Meat and clear nail polish. Two handy-dandy things I just can’t live without.”
I can’t say that thinking of the smell of nail polish really makes me want to eat a pork chop, but then again, I’ve never dipped my underpants in L’Oréal. Call me simplistic, but if this were my ad campaign, I’d propose a different slogan: “Bacon. Because it’s really fucking good.”
More Related Stories
- Developers evict historic women's shelter to build luxury hotel
- Kaitlyn Hunt refuses plea offer, will go to court over high school relationship
- The secrets of cicada survival
- Nobody "needs" to rape
- Catholic Church in market for more exorcists
- Report: Nearly a quarter of all Americans struggle to afford food
- Louie Gohmert: Women should be forced to carry nonviable pregnancies to term
- This is what Guy Fieri looks like as a balloon
- Boy Scouts to members: Just don't be a gay adult
- Anonymous rallies behind Kaitlyn Hunt
- Mistrial in penalty phase of Arias case
- My text blew up in my face
- Boy Scouts end ban on openly gay boys
- Mississippi could begin prosecuting women for miscarriages
- Teenage girl claims she was beaten up for looking like Taylor Swift
- Billionaire hedge funder: Babies, breast-feeding "kill" focus, keep women from succeeding
- "Bookless library" set to open in Texas
- Man arrested for sending Craigslist sex party to neighbor's house
- Greek yogurt, toxic waste hazard?
- Glenn Beck: CNN interview with atheist tornado survivor was a setup!
- Incoming BBC news director on journalism gender gap: "We can do better"
Featured Slide Shows
The week in 10 picsclose X
- 1 of 11
Lisa Montgomery embraces her nephew Thursday after a tornado tore apart her home in Cleburne, Texas. The twister killed six people and destroyed entire swaths of the North Texas town.
Credit: AP/LM Otero
Jack McMahon, the defense attorney for abortion doctor Kermit Gosnell, speaks outside the Criminal Justice Center in Philadelphia Tuesday. His client was convicted of killing three babies in his clinic, and will serve multiple life sentences.
Credit: AP/Matt Rourke
A photo taken Monday captures Vice President Joe Biden's response to a Milwaukee second-grader's innovative proposal to end America's epidemic of gun violence. This guy!
Credit: AP/Jenny Aicher
Sen. Rand Paul, R-Ky., flanked by a grouper-eyed Michele Bachmann, addresses the IRS' admission that it targeted Tea Party groups in advance of the 2012 election. In an op-ed for CNN Thursday, the Kentucky senator slammed the president for his faux outrage.
Credit: AP/Molly Riley
Ousted IRS chief Steven Miller is sworn in on Capitol Hill Friday. Miller testified before the House Ways and Means Committee on the extra scrutiny the agency gave conservative groups applying for tax-exempt status.
Credit: AP/J. Scott Applewhite
Attorney General Eric Holder pauses as he testifies on Capitol Hill before the House Judiciary Committee Wednesday. Holder is under fire, among other things, for the Justice Department's gathering of phone records at the Associated Press.
Credit: AP/Carolyn Kaster
O.J. Simpson sits during an evidentiary hearing at Clark County District Court in Las Vegas, Nev., Thursday. Simpson, who is currently serving a nine-to-33-year sentence in state prison for armed robbery and kidnapping, is using a writ of habeas corpus to seek a new trial.
Credit: AP/Las Vegas Review-Journal/Jeff Scheid
Major Tom to ground control: On Sunday astronaut Chris Hadfield recorded the first music video from space, a cover of David Bowie's "Space Oddity."
Credit: AP/NASA/Chris Hadfield
When it rains it pours. President Barack Obama speaks during a news conference Thursday with Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan, inexplicably inspiring an #umbrellagate Twitter meme.
Credit: AP/Jacquelyn Martin
A smoke plume rises high above a road block at the intersection of County A and Ross Road east of Solon Springs, Wis., Tuesday. No injuries were reported, but the the wildfire caused evacuations across northwestern Wisconsin.
Credit: AP/The Duluth News-Tribune/Clint Austin
Recent Slide Shows
- 1 of 11