Top Chef

When an entire season of cooking boils down to one final challenge, tensions can run high. But in the end, Stephanie — who many had predicted would win — managed to remain calm and create a meal that the judges felt was both well executed and innovative. Finally, a woman wins “Top Chef” … and it’s not Lisa!

Yes, most viewers will agree that Lisa may be one of the most objectionable human beings ever to make it to the finale of “Top Chef” — and hey, that’s saying a lot, given the competition. Bratty, meddling Marcel, aka Heatmiser? Haughty, holier-than-thou Tiffany? Those two bellicose, beefy guys who almost slugged each other last season?

But after weeks of swearing and grumbling around the kitchen, serving up self-righteous blame with a side of condescension and one-upmanship, Lisa landed in the bottom two but hung on by her fingernails while even-tempered, lovable Antonia was sent packing. Instead of humbly celebrating her win, Lisa whined to Richard and Stephanie in the Glad Plastic Wrap Room of Misery, “A congratulations would’ve been a little bit nice.”

“A goodbye would’ve been nicer,” they should’ve snapped back at her, but instead Stephanie mumbled “Congratulations” like a sullen kid being forced to say she’s sorry to her mom when she’s really not.

“Just makes me feel like you guys feel like the wrong person went home,” Lisa explained to the other two, who clearly felt like the wrong person went home. There’s nothing quite like a little angry insecurity to brighten up a storage room filled to the brim with plastic wrap!

Then in the finale, we find Lisa admonishing Stephanie for expressing doubt about her poundcake (with good reason, as it turned out). “Have some confidence in yourself,” Lisa scolds. Ah yeah, this coming from Little Miss “Tell me ‘Congratulations’ or I’ll sock your lights out!”

Later, as they’re all making the final preparations for their four-course meals, Richard says, “It’s tense, huh?” to Stephanie. Stephanie agrees.

“I’m not tense! I was just thinking to myself, ‘I wonder why nobody’s talking,’” Lisa says in her typical amiable, comforting manner. Does she want the world to root against her, or is she just so aggressively contrarian and egocentric that she has no idea that she’s obnoxious?

But then, no Bravo reality competition is complete without a really loathsome enemy, someone so un-self-aware, they’re willing to trot out their most wildly assholian impulses while the camera rolls.

Anyway, let’s cast aside this appetizer of nastiness and move on to the main course, shall we? The three finalists create menus that are very, very different from one another, and until the very end, it’s tough to say which of the cheftestants will prevail. Stephanie makes a wonderful first course of snapper, while Lisa makes another sweet and spicy prawn. We’ve seen this one before, and we hate Lisa, but … it does look good. Richard trots out a scallop that doesn’t seem to impress anyone. Next, Lisa whips up a Thai soup that makes judge Gail Simmons say, “I could eat a giant bowl of this, and be completely satisfied!” We don’t doubt it, Gail. Have you ever noticed how Gail eats with more unabashed zest than the other three judges combined? Even when she talks about food, it sounds like she’s eating. They should make a Bravo show that’s just Gail, eating giant bowls of stuff.

Tom and Gail have some issues with Stephanie’s quail, but then the third course comes, and Stephanie presents a lamb with maitake mushrooms, green olives, braised pistachios and blackberries. That sounds … terrible, actually. “I thought she was going to crash and burn when I saw those olives,” says Gail. But she loves it and so do all the other judges.

For the same course, Richard makes a very simple pork belly with some pickled radish on top. That’s it? Really?

“I’m surprised by Richard,” Eric Ripert says, voicing our thoughts while waving his long, French fingers in the air with authority. “He doesn’t season the food.” Uh-oh. “I love the radeesh though. It’s borderline genius!” Unseasoned, but borderline genius? The French truly are more capable of accepting contradiction than we Americans are!

Speaking of contradictions, for dessert, Richard makes bacon ice cream and a banana scallop. That sounds … terrible, actually. But the judges thinks it’s an example of Richard’s “playfulness pulling through in the end.” See, Tom Colicchio is right, you do have to taste the food to know who should win. (Um, Tom, are you trying to tell us that developing any opinions at all about who should win this show is an exercise in futility?)

Stephanie’s ricotta poundcake is found to be an exercise in futility. As difficult as it is to imagine enjoying bacon ice cream more than ricotta poundcake, we think of Tom Colicchio and use our powers of imagination.

The judges are done. Padma Lakshmi asks the three cheftestants if they have any last words. (Is she going to kill them when they’re done talking?)

“I think that I’ll be able to take this and learn,” says Stephanie. “And I think that I just am what a top chef should be.” Tom and the other judges stare at Stephanie blankly.

“I feel very strongly about the menu that I provided you guys with tonight,” says Lisa. “I’m very confident that you’re gonna be like, ‘She deserves this win, she deserves to be top chef, she’s got the qualities.’” The judges look skeptical. Now it’s Richard’s turn.

“Yeah, sure I’ll say it. I mean, I feel like I choked … a little bit,” Richard says.

“Well, you’ve certainly saved us a great deal of time, Richard,” the judges’ faces seem to say. And later, Colicchio agrees. Richard did choke.

But meanwhile, back in the Glad Misery Room, Lisa is telling Stephanie that she thinks Stephanie “killed” the first and third courses, while she (Lisa) nailed the second and fourth courses. Cut to Richard, looking ready to dunk his head in a vat of liquid nitrogen.

When the judges call the cheftestants back, it’s hard not to be a little worried. Gail seems to prefer Lisa’s food. But think of how many times Bad Lisa bitched and moaned, and then landed in the bottom two! She only won one elimination challenge, while Richard and Stephanie each won four! Surely, they won’t let her win the title of “Top Chef” and the $100,000!

When Stephanie’s name is announced as the winner, they don’t show Lisa’s face grimacing, which is frankly pretty cruel of them, considering how long we’ve all been waiting for this moment. Gail runs over to console Lisa, but everyone else breathes a big sigh of relief. The first female “Top Chef,” and she’s not an intolerable, nasty pain in the ass. Good job, judges, and God bless “Top Chef,” the most delicious, satisfying, giant bowl of cheftastic goodness available on TV, panic attacks, personality disorders and all!

First there was the unexpected tournament-style elimination last week, in which teams of two competed in breakfast, lunch and dinner rounds and the least successful team was brutally eliminated at the end (It’s hard to imagine Arnold “not just a Louis Vuitton bag” Myint leaving this early if not for his ill-fated pairing with eternally flustered Lynne). Then, on Wednesday night’s episode, the cheftestants were asked to prepare a meal together in a chilly cow pasture. Tempers flared, meat cooking times were second-guessed, alpha males clashed, and a bowl of cauliflower tumbled into the tall grass below.

At judges’ table, none of the judges held back on their true feelings about the worst dishes. Tom Colicchio fired off his usual deadpan gripes about lackluster flavors and foolhardy choices. Padma Lakshmi matter-of-factly declared several dishes inadequate. Hell, even the usually sunny and forgiving Eric Ripert scoffed at the worst dishes like they weren’t fit to touch his plump French lips. The previously cocky Amanda got called “amateurish.” Steven’s salad was scolded as “overthought and overdressed.” But it was the eminently likable Timothy’s bland turnips and overall shaky performances that underwhelmed the judges the most, and he was sent packing.

Although some readers have argued over the years that “Top Chef” doesn’t work because viewers at home can’t taste the dishes along with the judges, this might actually represent what works about the show. Thanks to our inability to taste, the descriptions and the personalities and the track records of the cheftestants add up to something better: a guessing game. A few episodes into the season, it’s hard not to find yourself wagering on which risks will pay off and which won’t. When the outspoken but able Kelly started to throw together a bonus-round strawberry rhubarb dessert on Wednesday night, it might’ve been the kiss of death for another competitor on another season, but Kelly’s choices have generally been pretty sound, so we suspected that she’d hit it out of the park – and she did end up in the top four.

And while it’s often easy to tell which three or four cheftestants will make it to the end by the second or third episode (last season, you could’ve put money on one of the Voltaggio brothers winning after the first ten minutes of the first episode), it’s still entertaining to see which of the favorites will win each week. This season, the Kenny “The Beast” vs. Angelo “The Bitch” showdown has proven to be endlessly entertaining, whether the two men are embracing utterly different strategies in the Quickfire Challenge or openly yelling at each other when forced to collaborate in the Elimination.

Angelo presents an obvious villain – albeit one with a little less flair than, say, Hung Huynh, the ultra-confident winner of season three. But what Angelo loses in style points, he makes up for in sheer unpredictability. Having admitted that he has a little thing for Tamesha, a young chef from Barbados, Angelo proceeds to describe her cherry compote as “really tart and luscious — I mean it’s just super sexy.” Got it. But nothing is sexier than what Angelo is doing with his duck. “I’m working on the duck, I butchered it perfectly, I marinated it, I rendered out the fat, I let it rest, I cooked it more. I basically made love to that duck, to be honest with you.”

Sure, we feel a little sorry for the duck – but you have to love a show that brings out this kind of freakishly passionate streak in a person. It’s no wonder love is in the air. Not only is Angelo following Tamesha around and whispering in her ear, but the formerly obnoxious Ed, who doesn’t hold back in outlining the bad choices of his competitors, is now swooning over Tiffany, a pretty Texan with great laugh.

Budding romance, temperamental outbursts, ruthless judges, bestiality – what more could you ask for in one show? Unlike some of their competitors, the producers of “Top Chef” have made all the right choices over the years, maintaining the elements of the show that we depend on (Judges Colicchio, Lakshmi and Gail Simmons are never far from the action; the Restaurant Wars episode is always one of the best) while mixing things up to keep the stakes high (luring in truly respected chefs to judge competitions, dishing up increasingly difficult and brutal challenges). Throw in a skilled but also wildly emotional cast of characters this season, and you’ve got a truly satisfying flavor profile.

On the other hand, maybe chefs are just the kinds of people who belong in front of the camera: They’re passionate, they’re hotheaded, they drink a lot, and they live or die over the acid balance of a little plate of fish. You might not want to work for them (or, if you’re a duck, go within a few square miles of them), but they’re endlessly entertaining to watch on TV.

In contrast, the celebrity chefs on the “Top Chef Masters” finale Wednesday night were held to such a ridiculously high standard that it was almost too much to bear. Super chefs Rick Moonen, Marcus Samuelson and Susur Lee all prepared dishes that made the judges and guest judges gasp and gush and sigh deeply over their marvelous textures and flavors.

Of course, the stakes have been sky high all season: When that finicky Saveur editor James Oseland or skeptical Jay Rayner or passionate food fetishist Gail Simmons weigh in, it’s hard not to squirm along with the cheftastic heavyweights on the chopping block. And thrillingly enough, these chefs often don’t agree with the judges’ assessments – but they purse their lips and tolerate Oseland’s sniffing and Rayner’s grumbling and Simmons’ finger-licking and host Kelly Choi’s terrible outfits. They’re restrained that way.

In fact, the one thing that I find disappointing about the professional chefs on “Top Chef Masters” is their unflagging professionalism. Sure, this is an elaborate publicity/charity event for Susur, Rick and Marcus, just one part of a multi-tiered marketing strategy that involves a restaurant (or two), a cookbook, maybe a speaking tour after this, and God knows what else. These men are food artistes, sure, but they’re also figureheads promoting their personal brands. They have to stay cool.

But most of us would prefer to see them losing their heads occasionally, “Real Housewives”-style. Perhaps this is what made the second season finale of “Top Chef Masters” so particularly delightful, and what has made the previous two episodes so satisfying as well. Instead of remaining calm as Persian cucumbers going into the home stretch, Susur, Rick and Marcus begin to look a little shaken. They seem to forget about their empires back home and what this win will mean for their favorite charities. Instead, their egos get wrapped up in the game.

A few minutes into the finale, Marcus raves that winning would mean having “bragging rights forever.” Susur says that “being a chef is like being a Ninja. Your mind has to be very strong.” Rick says his friends have been giving him hell about his elimination last season, so he wants to redeem himself, but he also wants money for his charity. Rick is a talker. Most of all, he says, he doesn’t want to let anyone down.

“I think my biggest competition is Susur,” Rick admits. “He’s an enigma. He is so confident that he emits an intimidation. He doesn’t have any doubt, any hesitation whatsoever in what he does. Once you’re in that state of mind, you’re unstoppable. I predict that it’s going to come down to Susur and me.”

Let’s see what the judges and guest diners have to say about that. Apparently the regular judges will be joined by Tom Colicchio, plus the three finalists from last season, Hubert Keller, Rick Bayless, Michael Chiarello.

Here’s the challenge: The first course is a dish “inspired by your first food memory.” The second course is a dish “inspired by the experience that made you decide to become a chef.” The third course “describes you as a chef.”

“It’s a very emotional thing. Three plates gotta tell my story,” says Susur. “It’s pretty heavy.” He then explains that his first wife died when the Korean Air Lines Flight 007 was shot down over Russian airspace. See how throwing in a little emotional backstory works? Now I want Susur to win.

Next, Marcus sees Rick trimming some dark red meat and asks, jokingly, “What fish is that? The venison, the holy fish of the forest?” See how humor works? Now I want Marcus to win.

Rick says he’s very anal, and he’s annoyed by Susur’s gigantic sloppy messes in the kitchen. “There’s an accident looking for a place to happen,” says Rick. “Now you’re making me pissed off now,” replies Susur, so pissed off that he’s repeating himself. But Rick’s right. Susur is too messy. I want Rick to win.

Once the cooking comes into play, I’m even more confused. The judges and guest diners love the first courses across the board, but particularly love Marcus’s. “I don’t think the execution is quite there,” Rayner says of Rick’s second course, and they’re also underwhelmed by Susur’s second, but they love Marcus’s again. Third course, Rick Bayless is blown away by Susur’s Lamb Thailandaise with Chiang Mai sausage, saying “It’s sooo good.”

“This is going to be a very difficult one to call,” says Bayless.

Back at the “Top Chef Masters” table, the three finalists are having a beer together. Rick Moonen is feeling expansive, as he often does. “There are no losers here, really,” he says.

This is lost on Susur, who replies, “Well, there will be two, right?” Rick just stares at him blankly.

Now it’s time for the three finalists to appear before the judges. Gail Simmons says that she could eat nothing but Susur’s black bean sauce for the rest of her life, that’s how good it is. She’d like to be covered in a thin film of Susur’s black bean sauce at all times. She wouldn’t mind taking a swim in Susur’s black bean sauce, and rubbing it into her scalp would just feel right. She demonstrates, rubbing some black bean sauce into her scalp.

Well, OK, all she really says is that the black bean sauce was “so sweet” and “the texture was beautiful.” But we know what she means.

The judges in general have some problems with Rick’s second course, and with Susur’s. Gail Simmons says that Marcus’s flan blew her away. James Oseland is actually grinning, about the food, which is a little unnerving. There aren’t a lot of flaws to evaluate. Maybe they should rub each course all over their bodies to see how it feels.

“And now it’s out of our hands,” says Rick once the chefs are safely back around their special round table. Each chef takes a big glass of red wine and chugs it with a speed that suggests that they’ve been prohibited from drinking heavily up until now. 

Jay Rayner says Rick’s oyster was the best oyster he ever had. The judges agree that Susur’s meal’s “highs were exceptionally high.” Gail says Susur reinvented tastes. Rayner says Marcus’s foie gras flan was an “extraordinary, extraordinary thing.” Rayner is moved by Marcus’s story, but Oseland does not appear quite as moved by Marcus’s last dish. Basically, each of the chefs presented one dish that was problematic, and everything else was spectacular. It’s tough to even guess who might come out on top.

Somehow, a decision is reached, and the chefs are called into the room. Susur gets 17 stars, which is impressive. Incredibly enough, Marcus gets 17 ½ stars, with Simmons and Raynor each favoring him, and Oseland not.

Susur is out, and looks pretty crushed. It’s down to Marcus and Rick.

Oseland says that Rick has “raised the bar on cooo-linary mastery.” And then he asks Rick, “Can I marry you?” Oseland, who really does seem to want to have a million of Rick’s babies, gives Rick five stars. But the diners give Rick four stars. Marcus wins by half a star! What a finish! (Now it’s Rick’s turn to look crushed.)

“People all over the world will celebrate this with me. I guarantee you that,” says Marcus. Who knew that a win for Marcus would mean worldwide celebration? Now I wish Rick had won.

But to be fair, the final competition was so tight that any one of these three chefs really could’ve taken home the title of “Top Chef Master.” They made it through an insanely stressful series of challenges, and they did it without insulting each other ruthlessly, attacking each other with their bare hands, or bringing shame on their families. They cooked great food and they remained professional to the very end. There are no losers here tonight!

(Well, there are two, actually. Rick and Susur. Sorry, guys!)