Look, it takes a lot to shock me, especially when it comes to the content of local parades. After all, I live in San Francisco, home of the Folsom Street Fair, the world’s largest leather event, and grew up across the Bay attending the whacked-out “How Berkeley can you be!?” parade. I’ve seen naked hippies, leather chaps, walking penises and cross-dressing nuns on my walk to the neighborhood grocery store. But my jaw went crashing to the floor when I came across a video of last weekend’s parade in Beverly Farms, Mass.; I have never before witnessed such a trashy town exhibition. Every year, participants in the Horribles Fourth of July Parade are encouraged to “comment on local, state, or national events” and, oh, did they! The target of choice this year: the so-called Gloucester Girls, the high school students who maybe, possibly made a pregnancy pact.
The slut-shaming fun starts with a float with signs reading, “Knock ‘em up high where expectations are low, Gloucester, MA,” “G.H.S. girls went to band camps came back pregnant tramps,” “Get your greasy pole out of that hole,” “She smelled like tuna I should have pulled out soona,” and — wait for it! — “Sluts missed sex ed.” A fake classroom is set up on the float and a boy dressed as a woman stands in the back giving birth. Oh, and did I mention that hanging above the float is an oversize penis squirting a mysterious liquid? Because there is.
It gets worse. After a skit by two adolescent girls dressed as a drugged-out Amy Winehouse and umbrella-wielding Britney Spears, comes a float featuring six teen girls sexily hip-shaking while rubbing, thrusting and bouncing their fake baby bumps to “I Got It From My Momma.” They are complemented by colorful posters reading, “We got humped now we’ve got bumps,” “Jamie-Lynn led us to sin” and “We didn’t use a rubber now we’re stuck cooking supper.”
The shining star of the show, however, is a float featuring a dummy of a pregnant woman lying on a surgical table with her legs spread. The grand finale: Grown men wearing diapers and oversize baby bonnets come running out of … her vagina. The float is flocked by man-babies riding on tandem bicycles and signs reading, “If you are pregnant you are cool,” “Maternity is a bitch then you graduate” and “Want to go on a whale watch? We hump for free!”
As evidenced by the crowd, this is a family-friendly event. Get that,
boys and girls? If you follow in the footsteps of the girls in neighboring Gloucester, you’ll be shamed in front of the entire town!
Frankly, I’m horrified and speechless. Just watch: