One of my favorite things about the holiday season is that my mother always spends several weeks in the kitchen making cookies, which she then exchanges with friends for even more cookies. It’s all very traditional and wholesome, I gain a few pounds, and the world is a generally happy place. Who doesn’t love cookies?
Well, maybe the people who designed fetus cookie cutters. Yes, for the low price of $9.99 you could be the proud owner of cookie cutters shaped like little fetuses. My initial response to the cookie cutters was quite simply, Really? I found them disturbing, which I then realized meant that, to me, a fetus signifies abortion, rather than a stage of life, which disturbed me even more. Maybe I have no sense of humor? Or am I a bad person for not being totally outraged? I decided to ask a few of my clever friends for their gut reactions. As I suspected, the responses ranged from “Can you use that as a Jell-o mold?” to “That’s terrible; I’m laughing, of course” to “Vaguely nauseated.” Then I realized that maybe the best use for fetus cookie cutters would be as a personality test.
You could bring a fetus cookie on a first date, and it would not only break the ice (or very quickly bring the date to an end) but also lend third-date-level insight into your dining partner. You could use a fetus cookie to conduct a sociological experiment. Does the reaction to said cookie change depending on locale? Are they funny at a baby shower, or even more disturbing? Do they fare better at a holiday party, a housewarming or a birthday party? Is there a correlation between age and level of outrage? Do high school kids think they’re write-a-letter-to-someone offensive, while college kids think they are the funniest shit they’ve ever seen? Are people with kids more or less likely to be upset than people without kids? If you never want children, are these just totally hilarious or unbelievably stupid?
So many questions. I have no desire to either eat or bake a fetus cookie, but I will at least cede the point that they are certainly more interesting than the typical heart, snowflake or cuddly animal cookie fare. If, for some reason, you need more fetus cookies (or simply want to be convinced that these are intended to be totally appalling), you can watch this video of a woman baking them, while a song about fetus cookies plays to the tune of “Edelweiss.” Fair warning, though: About the time that she bites off the cookie legs, it starts to feel like one of those twisted fairy tales that people don’t read to their children anymore.