Good news via the Frisky: It’s now easier than ever to avoid the shame of being exposed as an impure woman, thanks to the Artificial Virginity Hymen! It leaks fake blood and causes your vagina to become inflamed and swollen, all for just $14.90. What a deal.
The product, sold by online sex shop Gigimo, reportedly contains “natural albumin, medical use inflation element and water-soluble base medicinal preparation which have no side effect” — which is to say, it’s entirely unclear how it works or what it is, exactly. Gigimo provides the following instructions: “Insert this artificial hymen into your vagina carefully” – which is odd, because the hymen isn’t inside the vagina — “It will expand a little and make you feel tight. When your lover penetrate, it will ooze out a liquid that look like blood not too much but just the right amount. Add in a few moans and groan, you will pass through undetectable” (as the little whore that you really are).
As patently ridiculous as this product is, the thinking behind it is all too familiar: The site promises that the product allows you to “no more worry about losing your virginity” — as though deciding to have sex for the first time is only significant because your hymen will be “broken” (never mind that hymens often tear from other wholesome activities, like horseback riding) and renders you spoiled goods in the eyes of future suitors. It isn’t a decision of emotional significance but rather a dangerous gamble on your reputation — if things don’t work out with Your First, you’re shamed for life. Unless, of course, you go to great lengths to fake your purity.
I might offer a practical and (relatively) optimistic kicker to this post — hey, it could prevent hymenoplasties and divorces over bloodless bed sheets! — only, I somehow doubt that this dinky sex shop product will offer convincing enough proof.