The poetry of Glenn Beck, Vol. 2

The new Fox News star beams in on breast cancer and the Constitution, God and Bill O'Reilly.

By Hart Seely and Tom Peyer

CHOCOLATE MILK

So anyway, I’m on the plane
And they start in on breast cancer
And they say, you know, if you buy a certain drink,
You know, the proceeds go for breast cancer,
And originally I thought, that’s kind of cool.

And then they made the announcement
A second time and I’m like, okay, you know,
What am I flying Activist Airlines now?
Like, I get it.

Then the third time really became
The unfriendly skies for me
Because they started lecturing us
On how we hadn’t given enough
And they said, you know, we’ve really not sold a lot of these,

And I don’t remember what it was.
I don’t remember what it was.
I was going to say it was like chocolate milk
But that would probably be bad to sell for breast cancer.

So it wasn’t definitely milk
But it was something that I didn’t want to drink,
And I don’t remember what it was but I thought, well, I don’t want that
And, you know, and the stewardess said, we do this all the time now
Because our airline cares about breast cancer

And we have really not raised very much money this flight
And we know you guys care about breast cancer,
Bah, blah, blah,
And I wanted to say,

I care about you pulling into the terminal on time
And delivering my luggage all intact.
I care about breast cancer as well
But that’s not really your primary job and
Please don’t lecture me on giving until it hurts.

For the love of Pete.
Because all I kept thinking is, they don’t really care.
Do you really think this giant corporate monolith cares?
They don’t care.

Now, maybe some of the individuals do,
But as a corporation they care?
They’re doing it for good PR.
They want to be the airline that cares.
Am I being too harsh?

Notice nobody’s –
Wow, nobody wants to go
On record with me, huh?
I’m standing all alone.

(“The Glenn Beck Program,” Premiere Radio Networks, Nov. 27, 2007)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

BAT SNOT

You always get hassled; people always go,
O, Bill O’Reilly, he is just a hatchet man
For the Bush administration. The deal is,
I’ve watched your show enough to know
You hammer the bat snot out of both sides.

Bat snot.

(“The O’Reilly Factor,” Fox News, March 6, 2009)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

IMAGINE

Let’s say you are in Saudi Arabia
Where nobody’s ever heard of the Trinity.
You’re a Catholic. Nobody’s ever heard of
The Trinity. What, the Trinity?

What, it’s three in one,
They’re everywhere and nowhere.
Jesus is on the cross
But he’s really God.

So God has died but
Yet he didn’t die
And how does this –
Imagine you’ve never heard this before.

So you’ve never heard
Any kind of explanation.
So it works.
You know what I mean?

(“The Glenn Beck Program,” Premiere Radio Networks, Dec. 7, 2007)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

THE BORDER

You stand up for the border,
You’re a racist.
Are you really a racist?
I’m not a racist.

(“The Glenn Beck Program,”Premiere Radio Networks, Nov. 27, 2007)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

CHALLENGE

I challenge anyone, Republican or Democrat,
To point to the word “charity” in our Constitution;
The government, I’ve never felt charitable,
Never felt charitable on April 15th, have you?

But I have when I have written out a check
Myself and sent it in to the fire department
Or sent it in to Jon’s hospital, or sent it in to my church,
I do feel charitable then; it’s about changing people’s hearts.

And I got to tell you, tax day makes my heart
All black and bigger; maybe it’s just me.
Check out all the nine principles
And the 12 values at GlennBeck.com.

Now, should we legalize marijuana?

(“Glenn Beck,” Fox News, March 2, 2009)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

Tomorrow : More of Glenn Beck’s best verse, including “Forgotten Man” and “To a Lover.”

: More Tom Peyer

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A veteran reporter crafts opening paragraphs for news stories on his paper's final day.

By Hart Seely

I bleed, it leads: My final news stories

Salon

Third-grader Johnny Martin couldn’t understand all the commotion Thursday, as a crowd of grown-ups gathered to open the brand-new wing at Branson Elementary School.

“I was hoping for no school,” the 9-year-old said, climbing off the bus. “I wish we could just stay home.”

Someday — probably after he’s given them the best years of his life — the corporations will grant Johnny his wish.

* * * * *

Losing weight has never been easier, said Georgia Kravich, author of the best-seller “Counting Calories to a Slimmer You.”  The former model, who appeared at Oakdale Mall Thursday, stressed the need to stay focused and not cave in to bedtime cravings.

Here’s a tip she missed:

Lose your job! Without money to put food on the table, you’ll shed pounds fast.

* * * * *

The 90-degree heat didn’t bother Ed Farley Thursday, as the white-haired groundskeeper clipped the grass at St. Mary’s Cemetery for the last time.

Farley, 84, is retiring from the parish staff after 63 years.

“We’ve been blessed to have Edward,” Father Eugene Burke said. “Everyone knows that we won’t get another like him.”

Indeed, rather than a fourth-grade education, Farley’s replacement might have a master’s degree in journalism.

* * * * *

Lucy Carter has had it with the naysayers.

“I’m sick and tired of the media whining about how bad things are,” the Greater Watertown Realtor of the Year told members of the Greater Watertown Chamber of Commerce Thursday. “The sun will come up tomorrow. Sadly, though, you won’t read about it in the newspaper!”

She’s right on both fronts.

* * * * *

“Hold onto your dreams,” actress Martha Koop told the Utica Middle School Class of 2009 Thursday in ceremonies at Scanlon Park. “If you believe in yourself, nothing can stand in your way! Stay true to your goals, and you can do anything! The future is yours! “

That she actually said this with a straight face testifies to Koop’s remarkable talent as an actress.

* * * * *

For companies to survive the slowdown, they must get lean and mean, an area business leader said Thursday.

“Every bottom line must be studied, and every employee must be evaluated,” said Dr. Kenton L. Pinkney, executive director of the Susquehanna Valley Regional Development Council. “In these times, we all must simply do more with less.”

Pinkney declined further comment, after being knocked unconscious by a fist to the chin.

* * * * *

For Pulaski baseball coach Jeremy Jones, today’s game against West Fulton boils down to one basic notion.

“This is when baseball is fun,” said Jones, whose Wildcats beat Bayberry Thursday to advance to the Section 4 quarterfinals. “Win, we advance. Lose, and there is no tomorrow.”

Actually, either way, there is no tomorrow.

* * * * *

Rep. Ernie Crenshaw has harsh words for the big spenders of Washington. “We need to reduce the deficit and put people back to work,” said the 68-year-old ridiculously stupid gasbag Thursday.

“Blahblahblah” (Note to Ed: Will send more live quotes as soon as the old perv sobers up. On second thought, write the story yourself!)

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Thursday, Apr 2, 2009 10:25 AM UTC

Farewell, Glenn Beck, poet!

Oh, woeful day. The scintillating verse of the new Fox News bard must now fade into the Orange County sunset.

By Hart Seely and Tom Peyer

BOTTOM

You know what; I speak from experience.
Alcoholic. Alcoholic. Just drinking Jack Daniel’s
Like crazy until, you know, you’re just like,

“Is that vomit on my face?”

So then I know what it’s like to hit bottom.
These people in Washington.
They never hit bottom.

(“Glenn Beck,” Fox News, March 2, 2009)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

WHAT I COULD HAVE SAID

If I would have said a year ago that we were going to
Lose over 50 percent of the value of the stock market,
People would have said I was crazy.
If I would have said when Citibank was, I don’t even know,
Trading at $50 a share, hey, Citibank is going to be under
A dollar in the next year, they would have said I was crazy.
If I would have said we’re going to have a president elected,
And he is going to bring us to the verge of shredding
The Constitution, of massive socialism, and he’ll do it in
The first six weeks in office, I would have been told I was crazy.

But now people still are saying oh come on.

(“Glenn Beck,” Fox News, March 6, 2009)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

ACCIDENT

You know what, I don’t know when it became un-American
To say, save for a rainy day, or you know
Why don’t you just — why don’t we just
Prepare for the worst and hope for the best
Or make sure you’re wearing clean underpants
In case you’re in an accident
But that’s a different story.

(“Glenn Beck,” Fox News, Feb. 23, 2009)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

FORGOTTEN MAN

At first, the idea of the Forgotten Man was
The little orphan that was in the middle here and
Everybody forgot that, and government and
The businessman was happy and
Playing the role of government is Jesus because
I think that’s who we have as president now, and so …
What would happen is this guy would be happy and
This guy would be happy, but the little orphan
Was left out, but now the Forgotten Man; help me out on this;
Now the Forgotten Man, Jesus, decides that he
Is going to help out the little orphan person; so …

You, no longer wearing the top hat and no longer happy,
And of course, the little orphan boy now has a crack pipe and
Octomom is back here with her tentacles; OK,
There’s Octomom; Jesus decides to take the money from you
Now, and then he gives it to Octomom.

(“Glenn Beck,” Fox News, March 5, 2009)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

SUGAR

It’s been a week where I’ve given up all sugar; I’m trying
To lose weight, it’s the war on chins and I haven’t
Had sugar in a week, I get a little nasty and cranky
When I haven’t had sugar; it’s not right, it’s not.
I haven’t lost a pound in a whole week; I haven’t had any sugar.

(“Glenn Beck,” Fox News, March 11, 2009)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

AMAZED

I’m amazed at the argument that you can’t amend
The Constitution, you can’t change the Constitution;
That what our founders designed. Isn’t this — maybe I’m wrong.

I have never heard of the people’s representative,
The people that — if a guy is supposed to uphold the laws
That the people pass goes to the Supreme Court and says,

I know I’m the chief guy, I’m the attorney general,
I’m the chief guy to uphold the law, and the people said
This is the law, but the people can’t do that.

Has this ever happened before?

(“Glenn Beck,” Fox News, March 5, 2009)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

TO A LOVER

I want to, I want to say
I want to say to you
That you have been
Unbelievably gracious to me;
And you have no reason to be.

(“Glenn Beck,” Fox News, March 12, 2009)

: More Tom Peyer

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Tuesday, Mar 31, 2009 10:35 AM UTC

The poetry of Glenn Beck

Every day the Fox News pundit feels the pain and suffering of average Americans. Now it's time to experience his free verse.

By Hart Seely and Tom Peyer

MEATBALLS AT THE FURNITURE STORE

Somebody said let’s make Swedish meatballs at the furniture store
And somebody else said, that’s a stupid idea; nobody’s going to want meatballs at the furniture store.
And the first guy on that first day, his ass was on the line.
And so one customer came for lunch, he knew he had to get rid of the meatballs
And he was like, yeah, you want meatballs from the furniture store?
And they’re like, yeah, I guess; my wife has been dragging them around forever.
Anything. Just whatever. I was thinking about eating an ottoman
A little while ago but then meatballs has actual meat in it
And then the guy behind the counter said, well, I’m not really sure
But ya, ya, sure. So then he takes the meatballs
And he has to put them on a huge plate
Because he has to get rid of them.
Otherwise, you know, the big Swede is going to say
That was the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.
And so now that one fat guy who had the big bowl of meatballs
Now buys all of his furniture there and has told all of his fat friends,
Buy your furniture there because your wife will walk around
And you’ll have an hour worth of eating meatballs
And that’s what happened.

(“The Glenn Beck Program,” Premiere Radio Networks, Nov. 21, 2007)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

TIME TO BELIEVE

It’s time to stop playing
Games in this country.
It is time to actually believe
In something. I do.
I know you do as well.
Believe in something.
Even if it’s wrong.

(“Glenn Beck,” Fox News, March 11, 2009)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

DISGRUNTLED

As they were describing him, what they said was,
Here is a guy who felt that he had been wronged.
He didn’t feel comfortable talking to anybody.
He was disgruntled and everything else.
And then he went out and shot a bunch of people.

As they were describing him, and they said,
You got to go, now more than ever,
You got to start talking to people,
You have to start connecting with people
Because, they’re going in hard times, yada, yada, yada.

As I’m listening to the description,
First of all, this guy is a psycho, clearly, he’s a psycho.
But as I’m listening to him, I’m thinking
About the American people that feel disenfranchised
Right now, that feel like nobody’s hearing their voice.

The government isn’t hearing their voice; even if you call,
They don’t listen to you on both sides; if you’re a conservative,
You are called a racist; you want to starve children,
Yada, yada, yada, they’re, and every time they do speak out,
They are shut down by political correctness.

How do you not have those people turn into that guy?

(“Glenn Beck,” Fox News, March 12, 2009)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

WRONG WITH US

Put these people in jail, put these people in jail,
Put them in jail, what is wrong with us;
We knew this guy was in the country,
He was — he has been in the country
And extradited before; we have thrown him
Out of the country, then we brought him back, and
Then we threw him out and he came back again;
What the hell is wrong with us, what is wrong with us.

(“Glenn Beck,” Fox News, March 11, 2009)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

FRIDAY’S SHOW

We’ve got time to write tickets, we’ve got time to write tickets,
Have the police officers write tickets, you know why; because

That way, the city has money that they can bribe people
To vote for them; they don’t want to enforce these laws

Because they want more votes; you know it happens every time;
They’re doing it to the border patrol, they’re doing it to the cops,

They’re doing it to our soldiers, every single time we have somebody
Wear our uniform with our name and put them in harm’s way,

We don’t support them; why, because of some stupid politician;
I’ve had enough. I have had enough. Michael, thank you very much.

We’ll talk to you on this; please follow this story for us;
We’ll talk to you again; you know, this is why we’re doing the show on Friday.

(“Glenn Beck,” Fox News, March 11, 2009)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

Tomorrow: More of Glenn Beck’s greatest poems, including “Chocolate Milk” and “Bat Snot.”

: More Tom Peyer

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Hart Seely

The poetry of Glenn Beck, Vol. 2

The new Fox News star beams in on breast cancer and the Constitution, God and Bill O'Reilly.

I bleed, it leads: My final news stories

A veteran reporter crafts opening paragraphs for news stories on his paper's final day.

Farewell, Glenn Beck, poet!

Oh, woeful day. The scintillating verse of the new Fox News bard must now fade into the Orange County sunset.

The poetry of Glenn Beck

Every day the Fox News pundit feels the pain and suffering of average Americans. Now it's time to experience his free verse.

About

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