Tiger Woods: As bad at sexting as you are

Tiger's NSFW messages prove that seduction via cellphone is rarely sexy

Topics: Tiger Woods, Broadsheet, Love and Sex,

Tiger Woods: As bad at sexting as you areFILE - In this April 14, 2002, file photo, Tiger Woods, wearing his green jacket, gives a thumbs up as he celebrates winning the Masters golf tournament at the Augusta National Golf Club in Augusta, Ga. In a statement Tuesday, March 16, 2010, Woods said he will play at Augusta National after a four-month hiatus because of a sex scandal. The Masters begins on April 8. (AP Photo/Elise Amendola, File)(Credit: AP)

It’s like a new Dan Brown novel, but for the deeply prurient. Yes, perverts, it’s your lucky day – Tiger Woods’ adult actress lady friend Joslyn James has posted the salacious texts she received from the golf champion on her new Web site: Sextingjoslynjames. Assuming the texts are legit – and they do bear a remarkable stylistic similarity to the ones Jaimee Jungers released back in December — they’re sure to dispel any lingering doubts that the clean-cut sports icon is anything less than a nasty freak. If you don’t want to read very dirty words strung together to create very dirty scenarios, or you just don’t feel like being a little grossed out today, stop right now. It’s not too late to go to your safe space

If, however, you’ve got a taste for turpitude, read on. He allegedly wrote to James in August:

“I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you.”

It continues:

“Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little whore. Put my cock in your ass and then shove it down your throat

You are my fucking whore

Hold you down while i choke you and Fuck that ass that i own

Then im going to tell you to shut the Fuck up while i slap your face and pull your hair for making noise”

You get the picture. Also: Going from ass to throat? That’s just unhygienic.

But what those filthy micro missives tapped in stolen moments on a teeny tiny keyboard really reveal isn’t what a naughty boy the four time Masters winner is. It’s how painfully graceless text is as a true tool of erotic communication.

Not every little expression of desire has to be “The Story of O.” (In fact, that would get old fast.) A straight-up “Get over here now” can convey heat and urgency with enough economy to get a woman summoning her local cab service tout de suite. But when the talk gets porny – even when, as in Tiger’s case, one is actually sexting with a porn star – things almost inevitably sound ludicrous.

Here’s a series from September – James has, interestingly if not quite surprisingly, stripped out her own responses:

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“Have you ever had a golden shower done to you

Just morbid curiosity

Really. You. You have done just about everything havent you

Never done it. I think i would get stage freight”

Aside from the revelation that Woods cannot pee on command, the real sticking point here is that he can’t spell. If I were sitting at home in my underpants and a message like that came in, I’d wonder, “Freight? What does he mean, freight? Ohhhh, fright.” That would be precious “sexting u back” time lost forever. And when Woods writes, “I know you have tried every positing imaginable but what turns you on besides a dp,” I’m thinking, I know what DP is, but positing? Damn you, autocorrect!

Or what about when he writes: ”Next time i see you, you better beg and if you don’t do it right i will slap, spank, bite and fuck you till mercy“? I feel like there’s a “beg for” missing here. But what if it’s a “plead for” or, in a strange twist, “show me”?  How’s anybody supposed to make heads or tails here?

Even when the spelling’s right, the logistics suffer. Here’s one from a few weeks earlier: “After i cum you better start sucking my cock to get it hard.” OK, that doesn’t even make sense. You’re going to be useless for at least a few minutes after you finish, pal. Couldn’t you write about doing something for her first?

I’m not opposed to dirty talk or using an iPhone to hook up. When you’re on the road and you’ve got eight or 10 fine women you’re trying to get with, you need to reach out. You need to ask, “How about a quickie before i go:).” You need to make plans: ”No turkey unless it’s a club sandwich.” I’m just saying, that’s sexting for you – porn-movie-style commands about slapping your little whore, bad grammar, sandwiches and smileys. Tiger Woods may have enjoyed tons of ass by being rich, famous and attractive. But perhaps there’s something reassuring about knowing that when it comes to texting, he’s just as lame and awkward as any other booty-calling goofus on the planet.

Mary Elizabeth Williams

Mary Elizabeth Williams is a staff writer for Salon and the author of "Gimme Shelter: My Three Years Searching for the American Dream." Follow her on Twitter: @embeedub.

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