SALON

Wednesday, May 5, 2010 11:01 AM UTC

Nail polish names gone wrong

From "Sexagon" to "Tennis Corset," the branding of varnishes is turning all shades of crazy

By

Topics: Broadsheet, Love and Sex,

Nail polish names gone wrong

Last month, the fashion designers at BleachBlack caused a stir when they unveiled their new shade of nail polish: a pearly hue they named “Jizz.” The ladies at BleachBlack may know how to make a hub-bub, but they’re far from the only brand to introduce bizarre titles to the beauty salon. Emily Garber, the mastermind behind the blog Stupid Nail Polish Names, has seen it all — the pornographic (“12-Inch Gang-Bang”), the groan-inducing (“Don’t Socra-tease me”) and the flat-out Dadaist (“Forgive, Forget, For Me I Will”). It seems that in 2010, “Pearly Pink” just won’t cut it anymore.

Salon e-mailed Garber to talk about all the ways nail polish names can go bad.

You’ve obviously seen a lot of terrible nail polish names. What are some all-time worsts?

There are two horrific nail polish names that have a special place in my heart: “Skinny Dip’n in Lake Michg’n” (released by OPI) never fails to impress me with its sheer incomprehensible idiocy. I don’t understand the need for the apostrophes at all, but assuming that they’re necessary — why, for the love of everything good and holy, would you put them there? My leading theory is that the creator of this name was conducting research by taking a swim in Lake Michigan when he was transmogrified by nuclear waste from the Chicago River and developed punctuation-related superpowers.

In terms of offensiveness, I have always been amazed by “Pearl Harbor” (released by Sinful Colors). Why would anybody name a nail polish after a national tragedy? I assume that Sinful Colors’ next collection will include nail polishes named “Auschwitz” and “September 11th.”

What are the worst trends you’ve seen lately?

One trend that seems to be taking over lately is shock value through vulgarity. I’ve seen names like “Dick Weed,” “Phallic,” and even “12-Inch Gang Bang.” Really, what are we, 13 years old?

Another theme I’ve seen too much of lately is antifeminism. Every time I see a name that implies it’s cute and feminine to be helpless, like “What’s a Tire Jack?” and “Lost Without My GPS,” I have to check to make sure I didn’t step into a time machine and get off in 1950. Just as bad are the names that echo the stereotype that a woman’s goal is to extract jewelry from men, like “How Many Carats?”

Do you think there’s a push to have non-traditional, sort of edgier names?

I think “edgy” names like “Jizz” are pure, one hundred percent marketing. There are hundreds of white nail polishes out there — what can a company do to try to sell its version? We’ve gone through decades of nail polishes named “Adorable Apricot” and “Ravishing Rose”; how many fruits and flowers can be left at this point? More significantly, I think that there is a lot of market upside to a non-traditional, unpretty name. No one will be compelled to buy a nail polish because the name is vaguely pleasant, but an unconventional name might snag a shopper who wants to think of herself as an iconoclast.

Is there a main offender, brand-wise?

In terms of sheer quantity, there is no question that the main offender is OPI. The primary trick in their arsenal is replacing part of one word with a random similar-sounding word. Not exactly Algonquin Round Table-worthy — I wish I could hire a linguist to go over there and explain to them what a pun is! OPI is also a great source of bad nail polish names because they are continually releasing collections themed to particular countries. The results make me think that no member of OPI staff has ever been overseas — most of their “exotic” names are just stereotypes, some bordering on racist.

A lot of these names seem to have no connection to the actual shade of polish. How much connection do you think there should there be between a color and its title?

I’m happy to see some flexibility in the connection between nail polish colors and their names. How dull would life be if you woke up in the morning and had to decide whether to put on “Light Baby Blue With Fine Silver Glitter” or “Moderate Cerulean With Matte Finish”? Knowing that I’m wearing #57FEFF on my toenails is not likely to make me smile. On the other extreme, it’s pretty silly to have a name with absolutely no connection to the color it represents. Naming a nail polish is like titling a painting. A good name is complementary, not redundant, to what it describes. Just because your painting is of a guy on a horse doesn’t mean you have to call it “Man Riding Stallion,” but nor should you call it “Octopus Strangling Banana.”

Margaret Eby is an editorial fellow at Salon. More Margaret Eby.

Next Article

Related Stories

More Related Stories

Featured Slide Shows

The week in 10 pics

close X
  • Share on Twitter
  • Share on Facebook
  • Thumbnails
  • Fullscreen
  • 1 of 11
  • Lisa Montgomery embraces her nephew Thursday after a tornado tore apart her home in Cleburne, Texas. The twister killed six people and destroyed entire swaths of the North Texas town.
    Credit: AP/LM Otero

  • Jack McMahon, the defense attorney for abortion doctor Kermit Gosnell, speaks outside the Criminal Justice Center Philadelphia Tuesday. His client was convicted of killing three babies in his clinic, and will serve multiple life sentences.
    Credit: AP/Matt Rourke

  • A photo taken Monday captures Vice President Joe Biden's response to a Milwaukee second-grader's innovative proposal to end America's epidemic of gun violence. This guy!
    Credit: AP/Jenny Aicher

  • Sen. Rand Paul, R-Ky., flanked by a grouper-eyed Michele Bachmann, addresses the IRS' admission that it targeted Tea Party groups in advance of the 2012 election. In an op-ed for CNN Thursday, the Kentucky senator slammed the president for his faux outrage.
    Credit: AP/Molly Riley

  • Ousted IRS chief Steven Miller is sworn in on Capitol Hill Friday. Miller testified before the House Ways and Means Committee on the extra scrutiny the agency gave conservative groups applying for tax-exempt status.
    Credit: AP/J. Scott Applewhite

  • Attorney General Eric Holder pauses as he testifies on Capitol Hill before the House Judiciary Committee Wednesday. Holder is under fire, among other things, for the Justice Department's gathering of phone records at the Associated Press.
    Credit: AP/Carolyn Kaster

  • O.J. Simpson sits during an evidentiary hearing at Clark County District Court in Las Vegas, Nev., Thursday. Simpson, who is currently serving a nine-to-33-year sentence in state prison for armed robbery and kidnapping, is using a writ of habeas corpus to seek a new trial.
    Credit: AP/Las Vegas Review-Journal/Jeff Scheid

  • Major Tom to ground control: On Sunday astronaut Chris Hadfield recorded the first music video from space, a cover of David Bowie's "Space Oddity."
    Credit: AP/NASA/Chris Hadfield

  • When it rains it pours. President Barack Obama speaks during a news conference Thursday with Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan, inexplicably inspiring an #umbrellagate Twitter meme.
    Credit: AP/Jacquelyn Martin

  • A smoke plume rises high above a road block at the intersection of County A and Ross Road east of Solon Springs, Wis., Tuesday. No injuries were reported, but the the wildfire caused evacuations across northwestern Wisconsin.
    Credit: AP/The Duluth News-Tribune/Clint Austin

  • Recent Slide Shows

  • Share on Twitter
  • Share on Facebook
  • Thumbnails
  • Fullscreen
  • 1 of 11

Related Videos

Comments

 18 Comments

Comment Preview

Your name will appear as username

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href=""> <b> <em> <strong> <i> <blockquote>

follow salon

Most Read

Popular on Reddit

links from salon.com

vote
New Yorker launches tool by Aaron Swartz to protect leaks: Strongbox, co-created by the late technologist, is an open-source drop box for leaked documents
228 points229 points | 8 comments
vote
New Yorker launches tool by Aaron Swartz to protect leaks: Strongbox, co-created by the persecuted late technologist, is an open-source drop box for leaked documents
168 points169 points | comment
vote
Loaded terminology like "entitlements" and "welfare" skews the debate and alters America. How right-wingers use semantic tricks to kill government.
136 points137 points | 37 comments
vote
Obstruction will ruin the GOP: Playing politics and abusing the system can excite the extremes, but it's a recipe for long-term political disaster
48 points49 points | 8 comments
vote
With the help of Photoshop, artist Yao Lu has made shanshui — traditional ink paintings — of China's landfills
27 points28 points | 1 comment

From Around the Web

Presented by Scribol
listener_new_rect The Listener: So long, Sookie Stackhouse

Recommendations