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Wednesday, Jul 7, 2010 4:01 PM UTC2010-07-07T16:01:00Zl, M j, Y g:i A T

Joyless parents: You’re doing it wrong

New York magazine's report on the misery of modern parenthood misses the point: Babies aren't a happy ending

Joyless parents: You're doing it wrong

“I Love My Children. I Hate My Life.” That’s the cover line on this week’s New York magazine, superimposed on a photo of a beautiful mother and infant in a sun-drenched landscape. Presumably, the mother is loving her child and hating her life. Presumably, we all are. Jennifer Senior’s article “All Joy and No Fun: Why Parents Hate Parenting” attempts to rip off the veil and expose modern parenting for what it really is: endless drudgery accompanied by moments of transcendent joy. The article cites multiple studies demonstrating that people are fundamentally less happy after they have children. (Unless they’re Danish. Apparently being Scandinavian gets you a pass.) Parenting, Senior concludes, is stressful, agonizing work that can only be appreciated in retrospect.

And all I can think in response is, You’re doing it wrong.

This is not to say that I possess some happy-parenting secret that has eluded all the rich white people cited in Senior’s article. But I disagree with her thesis that parents are dissatisfied because “the experience of raising children has fundamentally changed.” To me, the experience of raising children seems fundamentally the same as it’s always been. It’s our expectations of the experience that have changed.

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Gwynne Watkins writes about religion at God Spam and entertainment at iVillage. She is a former editor at Babble and Nerve. Visit www.gwynnewatkins.com.  More Gwynne Watkins

Thursday, Jan 26, 2012 12:15 AM UTC2012-01-26T00:15:00Zl, M j, Y g:i A T

Stop diagnosing my son

When we adopted Jake at 7, we waited years before letting a psychologist label him. Others haven't been so kind

diagnosed_boy

 (Credit: Shutterstock)

“Sounds like your son has Asperger’s syndrome,” she said. “Have you ever thought of that?”

I looked back at my son, hanging upside down on the monkey bars. “Sounds like you have Asshole syndrome,” I said. “Have you ever thought of that?”

In my head, I said that. What I said out loud was something like, “We think he’s just Jake, and that’s good enough for us.”

“Well, he might have Asperger’s,” she pursued. “And you should have him tested.”

“Well, you might be a bitch,” I said, in my head. “Is there a test for that?”

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Debra Hanlon is a former high school English teacher and community college composition and literature instructor, now a home-school mom. She lives in northern Illinois with her husband, her son and their five German shepherds. Her occasional blog is LifeItIs.org—Insights and Incidents.  More Debra Hanlon

Monday, Jan 16, 2012 5:00 PM UTC2012-01-16T17:00:00Zl, M j, Y g:i A T

Get used to living with Mom and Dad

The era of empty nests may be over unless we change our work culture and our economy. An expert explains

It’s a growing trend: More and more adults are living with their parents. According to the Census Bureau, the number of 25- to 34-year-old adults in the U.S. living at home rose from 14 percent in 2005 to 19 percent in 2011. The trend is present in other developed countries across the globe too: In Italy, 37 percent of men 30 years of age and older have never left home; in Japan, men living under their parents’ care are pushing their 40s. Such individuals are easily disparaged as lazy, overgrown babies, content to mooch off their aging parents rather than strike it out on their own. (Remember all those biting jokes Archie Bunker would throw to his “meathead” of a son-in-law.) But are they really?

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Monday, Jan 16, 2012 1:00 AM UTC2012-01-16T01:00:00Zl, M j, Y g:i A T

Attachment parenting dropout

I was eager to be a crunchy mom who swaddled her baby and breastfed. But even I couldn't take this much sanctimony

Mother with baby

 (Credit: Elena Rostunova via Shutterstock)

I’m a crunchy person up to a point. I trek to the farmers market every weekend to fill up my recycled-plastic shopping bags with kale and purple cauliflower, but I’ve never made my own reusable fabric toilet paper squares. I’ve sworn off disposable plastic water bottles, but I periodically take my compact fuel-efficient car through the McDonald’s drive-thru for a Snickers McFlurry.

When my daughter was born, I decided I’d be the kind of mother who emphasized bonding and nurturing touch over schedules and order. I pored over attachment parenting manuals and message boards. Versed in the lingo of my new way of parenting, I set out to find like-minded mom friends, the kind of ladies who knew the virtues of calendula.

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JJ Keith lives in Hollywood, CA with her husband and two toddlers. She's a freelance writer and blogger, and is working on a memoir, "Behind the Green Apron," about being a disgruntled, underemployed barista to the stars.  More JJ Keith

Sunday, Jan 15, 2012 2:00 PM UTC2012-01-15T14:00:00Zl, M j, Y g:i A T

The science of getting along

Research shows that our first years of life shape our ability to play well with others. Here's how

baby_cooperation

 (Credit: hxdbzxy via Shutterstock)

This article is excerpted from the new book "Together: The Rituals, Pleasures and Politics of Cooperation," from Yale University Press.

I’m sure every parent could tell a distinctive story about how their children grew. You might well observe, whatever your own views about children, that learning to cooperate is not easy. That very difficulty is, in a way, positive; cooperation becomes an earned experience rather than just thoughtless sharing. As in any other realm of life, we prize what we have struggled to achieve.

The child psychologist Alison Gopnik observes that the human infant lives in a very fluid state of becoming; astonishingly rapid changes in perception and sensation occur in the early years of human development, and these shape our capacity to cooperate. Buried in all of us is the infantile experience of relating and connecting to the adults who took care of us; as babies we had to learn how to work with them in order to survive. These infant experiments with cooperation are akin to a rehearsal, as infants try out various possibilities about getting along with parents and peers. Genetic patterning provides a guide, but human infants (like all young primates) also investigate, experiment with and improve their own behaviour.

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Richard Sennett's works include "The Craftsman," "Respect," "The Fall of Public Man" and "The Corrosion of Character." He taught for many years at the New York Institute of the Humanities and also at the London School of Economics where he is emeritus professor of sociology. He is now a Distinguished Visiting Scholar at the University of Cambridge.   More Richard Sennett

Thursday, Jan 12, 2012 4:40 PM UTC2012-01-12T16:40:00Zl, M j, Y g:i A T

The war on only children

Smaller families are becoming the norm. So why are we still so quick to judge people without siblings?

Stop dissing only children

 (Credit: amok.lv via Shutterstock)

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I was making small talk with a woman I’d just met when the inevitable subject of family came up. “Do you have any brothers and sisters?” she’d asked. “No,” I’d replied. And there it was: the subtle change in her expression, the quick reassessment, the pinched face I’ve seen a thousand times before. “Well, that must have been nice for you,” she replied. “You must have been so spoiled.”

It’s one of the standard responses we “onlies” get — near strangers denigrating us because of our parents’ reproductive habits. Nobody ever says, “Youngest of four? So you’re really immature, right?” or “You’re a twin? Wow, you must be a total dick.” But I didn’t answer, “Yeah, after my dad left my 21-year-old mom when she was pregnant with me, you can imagine what a cosseted, pampered existence this princess had.” That’s because I didn’t want to get the other classic reaction: unbridled pity for my no doubt sad, lonely existence. Hi, what year is this?

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Mary Elizabeth Williams

Mary Elizabeth Williams is a staff writer for Salon and the author of "Gimme Shelter: My Three Years Searching for the American Dream." Follow her on Twitter: @embeedubMore Mary Elizabeth Williams

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