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The Good

H&M: David Beckham

Tattoos. Abs. And the Animals. That’s right, world, there’s more to Super Bowl sex objects than Victoria’s Secret models. More yes please.

Samsung: Thing Called Love

You guys! Samsung has revolutionized communication by inventing … a stylus! But somehow, trotting out every possible celebratory, flash-mob cliché from the gospel choir to the marching band, all to the infectious strains of The Darkness, makes for impossibly giddy fun.

Volkswagen: The Dog Strikes Back

Shameless, yes. But what does the Internet run on? Dogs and “Star Wars”! What does Volkswagen give us? Dogs and “Star Wars”! While it lacks the charm of last year’s Darth Vader kid spot, it’s still a confident, breezy delight.

Skechers: Mr. Quiggly

Why? It helps that the Tone Loc fits in with the whole ’80s theme, but mostly because whoever thought to name the dog Mr. Quiggly is a GENIUS.

“The Voice”: Vocal Kombat

Cheesy as hell. But imagining the likes of Christina Aguilera and Adam Levine as furniture-smashing, ass-kicking action stars, battling it out over an unseen vocal powerhouse, is funny. That the mystery voice turns out to be the ubiquitous, forever awesome Betty White is adorable.

Chevy Sonic: Stunt Anthem

If you’re looking for a vehicle that will go skydiving, kick flipping and bungee jumping, this is definitely, jaw-droppingly, the one. Weirdly, the car also boasts of starring in an OK Go video, though the Super Bowl clip preferred Fun’s anthemic “We Are Young.” Sonic: the good-time car that will cheat on you.

Acura: Transactions

Oh Lordy, who’d have thought there was still comedy to be milked from the Soup Nazi? But casting Jerry Seinfeld as desperate enough to offer up sock puppets and holographic monkeys for a chance to be the first to drive the new Acura – and Leno as the jerk who robs him of the dream – somehow comes off as absurd enough to be fresh.

The Bad

TaxACT: Free to Pee

Accountancy for people who urinate in the pool. If ever there were a metaphor for the 1 percent this was it.

Teleflora: Adriana Lima

Adriana Lima slinks into a pair of stockings, tousles her hair and prowls past an “XOXO”-festooned floral arrangement. “Guys, Valentine’s Day is not that complicated,” she purrs. “Give. And you shall receive.” Hint: She is not talking about a free simonizing. For perpetuating the notion that $29.99 worth of roses and pink carnations entitles a man to a blow job, Teleflora, you win most ridiculous, sexist ad of the night.

Fiat: Seduction

You may be smart enough to know that a lousy bouquet won’t get you laid by a beautiful woman with a foreign accent, but are you dumb enough to try to make out with a car? The Fiat will slap you and drink your latte — and you will love it, you helpless, helpless slave to your penis.

Doritos: Man’s Best Friend

If you’re the kind of dog who kills and buries cats, or the kind of man who can be bought off for some neon orange snack food, have I got a nacho for you.

The End of Days

Hyundai: Cheetah

In a race between a man, a car and a deadly feline, the car will take off and the man will be mauled to death. Epic automobile win, I guess.

Chrysler: Halftime in America

Only 236 years to go, USA! Because Clint Eastwood would like to growl at you that it is “halftime in America.” “We’re all scared, because this isn’t a game.” Somehow, however, we will rally “because that’s what we do.” It seems to involve firemen and dropping the kids off at school. It’s supposed to be hopeful, but when Dirty Harry says, “The world’s going to hear the roar of our engines … yeah,” I just want to hide under my bed and cry till the smoke clears.

Chevy: 2012

When that Mayan apocalypse hits and the world starts looking like a Cormac McCarthy novel, you know what will be left of civilization? Twinkies, Silverados and Barry Manilow music. Better hope you’re one of the raptured.

The Reagan

MetLife: Everyone

So what’s your death and dismemberment plan looking like these days? Is it as good as He-Man and Fat Albert’s?

Honda: Matthew’s Day Off

In a droll spot filled with cinematic Easter eggs (that Red Wings jersey!) and “Oh yeaaaahs,” Honda would like to remind you of that carefree, rebellious scamp Ferris Bueller. But the fact that now he’s a middle-age movie star playing hooky from his overpaid career, not to mention a man who in 1987 was the driver in a head-on collision that killed two people, makes this spot about as easy to watch as your dad jamming in the garage with his buddies. Oh nooooo.

Kia: Dream Car

Keeping up the theme of ’80s icons who’ve killed people with their cars selling you cars, Kia deployed Vince Neil  for a spot that assumes that while ladies dream of rainbows and horseback riding with puffy-shirted Fabio wannabes, dudes even slumber awesomely. Guy dreams, you see, employ Chuck Liddell and Adriana Lima, rhino riding and Motley Crue. And big sandwiches. Yet props to Kia for having its hero bust out of his bikini-babe-saturated reverie to grab his wife from her dream, and speed off into the sunset together.

Audi: Vampire Party

A bunch of bloodsuckers are having a teeth-baring, tree-climbing shindig in the woods, until some yahoo comes along and kills off the guest list with his bright-as-day headlights. Cute, but the big reveal was its use of Echo and the freaking Bunnymen’s “The Killing Moon.”

Budweiser: Eternal Optimism

And for the kids who were a little less emo, Budweiser takes on a stroll through modern history, in a mashup that combines Flo Rida’s “Good Feeling” with the Cult’s classic “She Sells Sanctuary.” The ’70s disco party with the horse was ridiculous, but the fact that a grungy mosh pit is now a sentimental touchstone in a beer ad should definitely drive you to drink.

The notion of a hot, barely clad body that happens to be male in a Super Bowl ad has been, until now, nearly unheard of. But far more subversive than the Beckham spot is a Toyota one that really flips sex appeal expectations. In the spot, the car company boasts that after it reinvented the Camry, it decided to reinvent a few other things. Among its creations: a traffic cop who hands out speeding tickets but also invigorating massages, a motor-vehicles department where you can play pinball and get soft-serve ice cream, a blender that plays Lionel Richie, and of course, curtains made of out of pizza. But the real showstopper is Toyota’s “reinvented couch.” A nebbishy man opens his front door to discover his furniture has been transformed into a row of bikini-clad beauties, no doubt just waiting for him to park his rear upon their collective lap. It’s your typical ad-agency-concocted dude fantasy, until the scene changes to a replica row — this time of seven six-pack toting guys and the announcement that “It also comes in male” — prompting the surprised homeowner to give a little shrug of approval.

Just two years ago, Super Bowl ads had been a slew of female-alienating, flat-out hostile spots that chided men for being pussywhipped and defiantly declared “Man’s Last Stand.” (Spoiler: They involved driving fast and not wearing pants.) But last year, the ads began to take on a decidedly less misogynistic tone. The most patently sexist ad back then was a Pepsi spot featuring an abusive female.

Make no mistake, there will still be plenty of old-fashioned T&A to go around during Sunday’s commercial breaks. And you can always count on GoDaddy to be the company that asks the question, “Who won’t notice a hot model in body paint?” But it seems that at last sponsors are catching on to the fact that nearly 46 percent of Super Bowl viewers are female, and that plenty of the game’s male viewers are more inclined to be moved by a shirtless man than Danica Patrick. Sure, it’s still objectification even if a guy is the object, but it does suggest our yearly parade of hormone-driven ads is tilting toward gender equity. Or as Toyota might express it: It’s still the Super Bowl ad, but reinvented.

When the $50 million Strong 4 Life campaign launched last summer, it was a project born from a genuine and increasingly pressing healthcare crisis. Georgia has the second-highest childhood obesity rate in the nation, and where there’s obesity, there are serious, long-term health repercussions — diabetes, heart disease. But in recent days, fueled by a ramped-up billboard and television presence, the campaign has gained international attention – and criticism.

The obesity epidemic challenges parents and caregivers at every turn. How do we help our children make healthy choices when so many adults are struggling themselves? How do we encourage nutrition when our own government caves to the food industry’s push for cheap, empty fare in our school cafeterias? Children who eat school lunch now stand a 29 percent greater chance of being obese than those who don’t. Phys-ed classes are disappearing, and as many as 40 percent of our schools have done away with recess in the past few years. And at home, Strong 4 Life says that “50 percent of people surveyed did not recognize childhood obesity as a problem and 75 percent of parents with overweight or obese kids did not see their children as having a weight issue.” How can we fix a problem that isn’t just daunting, it’s still barely even acknowledged?

The Strong 4 Life campaign at least confronts the issue head-on. Despite our cultural obsession with weight problems, we still chafe at identifying individuals – especially children — who have them. Calling someone obese is considered a cruel taunt rather than a statement of fact. The unusually frank public service announcements demystify fatness. It’s not a condition reserved for the pathetic, anonymous “creatures” of People of WalMart — it’s an issue our children face in playground jeers today, and with joint problems and sleep apnea tomorrow. As Strong 4 Life’s pitch explains, “We must open our eyes and look around: Kids are now suffering from diseases once seen only in adults. … We must come together as a community and talk about it.”

But what kind of talk? As Marsha Davis, a researcher at the University of Georgia’s College of Public Health, told the Atlanta Journal-Constitution this week, “In terms of the social stigma about weight — it might actually make people feel worse.”

Children’s Healthcare’s Linda Matzigkeit says a new phase of the ad campaign is rolling out soon, but right now it’s just a series of feel-bad messages to “Stop sugarcoating it, Georgia.” Strong 4 Life does include tips for healthier living on its site, but the main thrust of the campaign is stil a horribly misguided focus on what a bummer it is to be fat. Shouldn’t we encourage our kids that being healthy is a positive thing on its own, and not just because “it’s hard to be a little girl” who’s fat? There’s absolutely nothing in a message like that other than the idea that girls are supposed to be “little.” It implies that the teasing young Tina now endures will melt away when she sheds a few pounds. Maybe. But change so you won’t get picked on? That’s a terrible philosophy, especially for the less ectomorphically inclined. Some kids will always be big, even if they’re perfectly healthy. As a Facebook commenter beautifully explained, “Just wanted you to know that you’re doing a horrible thing. Fat kids shouldn’t stop being fat because they get bullied. It’s the bullies that should be stopped.”

We cannot promote health in a culture that reduces human beings – especially very young ones – into stereotypes of big is bad. That is not healthy, productive or loving. We all want our kids to live long, strong lives, fueled on fresh air and nutritious food. But those things are products of accepting who our kids are now and who they can become, at every point on the body-mass index. Because as Marsha Davis told the Atlanta newspaper, “We need to fight obesity, not obese people.”