Dancing With the Stars

It was when Audrina Patridge, top of the leader board, was ousted that we wondered if something might be amiss. But even then it was somewhat believable. Audrina demonstrated as little internal passion or personality as Bristol Palin, but there was something off-putting about her coldness that made it hard to root for her. And, even though it’s not a very nice thing to say, the girl was stupid. I’ve never heard as many ridiculous things come out of one person’s mouth since watching that YouTube compilation of Bill O’Reilly clips.

Rick Fox’s elimination was the first true shock. He had just come off his best week; he was physically stunning to look at and demonstrated an ease and likability unmatched by any of the other contestants. Kurt Warner’s dismissal the following week was no great surprise, but it still seemed odd that he was gone and Bristol remained. In the scheme of things he had out-performed her over the weeks and, even though I gave him a hard time for his simplistic “Bible as the word of God” views on the world, he surprised me with a genuineness that was hard to dislike.

It was Brandy’s elimination that confirmed our worst fears — ones that have been well documented already and don’t need to be rehashed. But suffice to say Tuesday night’s finale would have been far more exciting if Brandy was taking on Jennifer Grey and Kyle Massey for the crown. Alas, Bristol had come to represent much more than dancing — and whether you’re of the “she’s here because of her mother” or “she’s here because she reminds me of myself, or my kid, or the sad babysitter” camp, we could all probably agree that she didn’t make the finals for being one of the best, or even most improved, dancers. Every one of the vanquished competitors improved as much or more than Bristol did week after week, no matter what the judges and remaining contestants are obligated to tell us.

The Dances

The contestants performed two dances tonight — the first was “couple’s choice,” which was a re-do of their favorite (and I assume, best) dance of the season; the second was an “instant cha cha cha,” where the song that they all danced to (“Raise Your Glass” by Pink) was revealed after the first dance had been performed and scored.

The first dance was scored differently for this finale, with judges individually determining who is best, second best and worst by assigning 10s, 9s and 8s accordingly (no ties or substitutions.) The second dance was scored normally.

Kyle Massey

From the moment Kyle hit the dance floor at the beginning of the season, he grabbed our hearts and stole the show with his uninhibited enthusiasm and boyish charm — which continued most weeks even when the “boyish” part became a little hard to stomach at times. But while people went on and on about Bristol’s composure under pressure at the delicate age of 20, it was easy to forget that Kyle was only 19 and living under that same pressure. Over the weeks, he had more ups and downs than anyone on the show, seesawing back and forth between the bottom and top of the leader board. Through it all he steadfastly improved his footwork, never complained or stormed out of rehearsals, never broke down in tears of frustration or anger and slowly built up our respect.

Going into tonight’s finale he was not the most talented or the most popular of the remaining contestants, but he may have been the most deserving of the crown.

First Dance

For their first dance, Kyle and Lacey chose the tango from week six that catapulted them from sporadic competitors to bona fide contenders. They came out swinging with the kind of energy that only the combination of Kyle and the finals could produce. As has been his most successful strategy to date, Kyle didn’t hold anything back, which created a frenetic excitement that Jennifer has never matched, and Bristol can’t begin to touch, but may also have contributed to a somewhat frazzled performance. It didn’t matter, though. Judges finally appreciated Kyle for who he is and gave him props for staying true to his strengths.

First Dance Score: 26

Second Dance

True to form, Kyle and Lacey danced a spirited cha cha cha that was long on charisma and still a little loose with technique. No new surprises here.

Second Dance Score: 28

Bristol Palin

So much has been written about Bristol — from the moment that she joined this competition to the last few weeks when controversy has consumed her — that it has become impossible to view anything she does on the dance floor as relevant to her success or failure. She started the competition with no dance or performance experience (although she wasn’t as unexposed to the limelight as people made her out to be, having survived a media storm from her high-profile pregnancy during her mother’s Vice Presidential campaign) and with one goal in mind — not to be the first to leave. She entered the final night of competition as possibly the most polarizing figure in the history of the franchise — as either the populist, resilient heroine of the “every man” or an undeserving hack who is placing a nail in the coffin of the show’s credibility. She has been on the bottom of the leader board at least half the time, but has somehow managed to pull in enough viewer votes to stay. Love her or hate her, she has emerged as an unpredictable spoiler on a show that has never seen anything comparable in its 11 seasons.

First Dance

Bristol and Mark chose their breakout tango. Bristol looked more relaxed during this dance than we’ve ever seen her before, almost as if the end of the journey has finally released her from the tension she’s been holding in for all of these weeks. Her face was more open, her smile more genuine and her moves more fluid. And yet the extra spring in the step is still missing — so, even though she did all of the “right” moves, it did not elevate her performance to the point that she could be considered a serious contender. Win or lose, this has been a transformative experience for her, and I think she’s finally allowing herself to feel the power of that.

First Dance Score: 25

Second Dance

Bristol entered the dance floor in her own version of Muppet chic, once again looking as relaxed as we’ve ever seen her. She has no intention of winning this competition and has finally decided to let loose and have fun. Had she only shown this level of playfulness earlier, she might have made a case that she deserved to be in the finals. As it is, she’s making the most of it. Regardless of the outcome, Bristol will leave a new woman, taking with her a newfound confidence that will hopefully allow her to shed the melancholy that she’s been carrying around with her all season.

Second Dance Score: 27

Jennifer Grey

Jennifer came into this competition as the heavy favorite, not only because she had previous dance experience (although to be fair, that experience was playing a character with no dance experience), but also because she was iconically beloved by millions before she even hit the dance floor. And at first she didn’t disappoint, leaving the rest of the pack in the dust with her precise moves and charming us with her infectious laugh — until her body started to break down — and the whining began. Suddenly, her success was no longer a foregone conclusion as Brandy rose from the middle of the pack to take the lead. Just when it seemed like she might pack it all in, a visit from father Joel turned things around, and she was back in business. The smile came back and the string of perfect scores soon followed.

First Dance

Jennifer and Derek chose the Viennese Waltz, their first dance of the season and the one that connected her emotionally to her “Dirty Dancing” days with Patrick Swayze. This time she wanted to perform it with Derek in mind, in honor of their three-month journey together. Unlike the first performance when sentimentality trumped technique and poise, Jennifer returned to the piece with a new wisdom, sharper moves and a sophistication that wowed the judges and secured her spot at the top of the heap.

First Dance Score: 30

Second Dance

The fancy tasseled gold shaky pants were back for the final dance, which appears like it might be her last dance for a long while. Her body looks on the verge of going into serious post-traumatic stress when this is all over, but she was able to hang on for one more night to see out her victorious season 11 run. Her lines were clean, her posture was upright and her moves crisp — even though there was something about her carriage that made her seem more vulnerable than ever. Regardless, she once again out-classed the competition and took a solid lead going into the final results.

Second Dance Score: 28

FINAL RESULTS

3rd place: Bristol Palin

2nd place: Kyle Massey

Winner: Jennifer Grey

And all was right with the world …

I grew up in a time where we were taught to believe that greatness could be achieved if you identified your talent, worked hard at that talent and didn’t give up. Those who tried hard and failed were admired for their tenacity and grit, but they were still handed the green 6th place ribbon and told to find something else to focus on. I know that “stars” are not placed on this show because of their dancing talent, but rather because they are, or have been, “successful” enough to have garnered the attention of lots of people for SOMETHING they’ve done, but I never imagined that one of the least objectively interesting people could rise to the top of the competition based partly on the fact that her success is so unlikely that we are somehow compelled to make it happen. 

I know many are voting for Bristol because she is this season’s “underdog” (a questionable motive in its own right), but I’m guessing they’re dwarfed by Americans who are voting to drive home the message delivered this past election — whatever that “message” is. “Do you get it?” the President was asked over and over again after his midterm defeat, “do you REALLY get it?” I don’t know if he does, but I sure don’t. I know that people are angry and scared and uncertain about the future, but how Obama became the cause of our woes and Sarah Palin became our savior I’m still not clear on. And how we decided that her daughter winning “Dancing with the Stars” would further drive this ill-defined message home is more confusing still. 

Propelling Bristol to the “DWTS” finals for non-dancing reasons may have given her supporters a giddy high — but I hope they are prepared for the hangover. As I watched Brandy’s face when she was ousted last week, I saw more than just disappointment; I saw the sickening realization that working her hardest, doing her best and pouring heart and soul into this competition was a waste of time. How could she not feel that she’s living in a country that has started punishing people like her for the qualities America was built on, solely because those qualities might make the rest of us feel less “special” — or worse yet to drive home a totally unrelated political point?

As we go into the finals of the most watched television program in the country, and decide who is going to take home that mirror-ball trophy, I hope audience voters think long and hard about the message they’re sending, or the point they’re making, and determine whether the societal price we’re paying is worth it.

Or not. This isn’t North Korean nuclear proliferation or anything.

For the finale, each couple was assigned a “redemption” performance — a re-do of a dance that the judges felt they should have excelled at but didn’t. Their second dance was the much anticipated “freestyle” where they break out and let loose in any way they want — usually the most entertaining dance of the season.

Kyle Massey

Kyle and Lacey were asked to re-do their ’70s foxtrot — the notorious “atrocious” dance that made Len birth a mad cow on stage and led to Kyle’s lowest paddle of the season — a hard to come by “5.”  Luckily for them, Len joined them during their rehearsal segment to explain how to make things right –which is to focus on technique. It’s always been technique with Kyle.

I can’t speak to that technique in any substantive way, but the dance started off slowly (probably because foxtrot footwork is so difficult to master) so he could make sure not to upset Len. Unfortunately, that took away the one great advantage he has over Jennifer and Bristol — his unbridled joy on the dance floor and the enthusiasm it evokes in the viewers who need to vote for him. The dance picked up later, and included some truly impressive side by side steps with the devilishly sexy Lacey but judges were still more tepid in their reviews than one wants in the finals.

First Dance Score: 27

For the freestyle, Kyle went for it — dancing a non-stop, hip-hop tour de force to a strange song called “Tootsie Roll.” What’s remarkable about Kyle is that he seems to be able to do things that his doughy body should not be able to do — a testament to his incredible personal charisma, energy level and desire to win. From the beginning, he has been the crowd pleaser — and given the reaction in the auditorium and my inability to stay still while he was shaking it, he did what he needed to do to secure a real chance at winning. 

Unless of course what I said about older, Republican voters ends up being true. Then he’s screwed.

Second Dance Score: 29

Bristol Palin

Bristol’s redemption dance was the unforgettable monkey jive — the “jump the shark” performance that, although her most embarrassing dance of the season, may have just triggered enough voter sympathy to get her this far. 

Bruno joined her and Mark in the rehearsal segment to get Bristol out of her head and into her body. Since her technique is not going to get that much better, her only hope is to transform her Eeyore-like aura and finally discover the joy in what she’s doing. Then again, who knows if that would serve her well with audience voters or not. I sure as hell don’t know what they’re responding to.

As usual, her feet and legs looked like they were weighed down, and at times she didn’t seem 100 percent certain where they were supposed to be, but it was once again an improvement. On top of that, she genuinely seemed to enjoy herself on the dance floor, another small step in the right direction. But, as has been said a million times already, neither improvement is close to being at the level this stage of the competition should demand — even though the judges continue to score her like she is a recipient of dancing’s answer to affirmative action.

First Dance Score: 27

The freestyle rehearsal segment played to Bristol’s only strength — her complete lack of belief in herself and the self-conscious certainty that she will fail because of “all the haters out there”. She hit all the right notes to secure her voting block — by admitting that she had never been to a Broadway show and didn’t have the personality to pull off the “Chicago” number that Mark chose — all while pulling her shirt down over her hips constantly to hide her body. And then vowing to overcome every hurdle just to “prove them wrong.” Every woman of a certain age in America will relate to how she feels and every dad of daughters will want to protect her. If she doesn’t totally blow it (or maybe even if she does), she’s done what she needs to do to have a real shot at bringing the trophy home.

The actual dance was a bland, poor imitation of a Bob Fosse number. And totally irrelevant.

Second Dance Score: 25

Jennifer Grey

Jennifer’s redemption dance was the paso doble, a performance that was the lowest point in her journey when her body and will to win seemed to abandon her at the same time. Carrie Ann joined the rehearsal segment to help Jennifer elongate and smooth out her movements — the kind of refining that indicates how far advanced in her dance technique and stage presence she is compared with the other two.

“This is the meaning of redemption,” said Carrie Ann when it was through. Jennifer is on fire — finally having found the groove that we expected of her from the very beginning of the season. The paso was intense, dramatic, technically flawless and jaw-droppingly entertaining.

First Dance Score: 30

Jennifer’s freestyle was long on tricks that almost hit, but didn’t quite elevate to the level of Kyle’s full on assault. Most of this was due to her physical limitations, but Derek is also to blame. He has set the bar so high every year with his show-stopping numbers that anything short of Jennifer trapezing from the ceiling would be considered a let-down. 

Of course that’s just my take on things. Judges went bananas for the whole thing and gave her the fourth consecutive perfect score in a row.

Second Dance Score: 30

Projected Winner:  Jennifer Grey

But tune in tomorrow to see if Bristol can snag the mirror-ball trophy after the last two dances are done (the final sign that end of days are truly upon us). I will be stacking up on supplies just in case.