2014's fast food atrocities
Burger King's black cheeseburger: Made with squid ink and bamboo charcoal, arguably a symbol of meat's destructive effect on the planet. Only available in Japan.
Republican candidate for Colorado governor and UN bike-share mind-control plot uncoverer Dan Maes is merrily charging ahead with his campaign over the objections of nearly every Republican official in the state. The way Maes tells it, the fact that the party is begging him to drop out is just one more reason he needs to keep running. And he has a message for the federal government, too. That message is: “screw them.”
With that statement, Maes was promising to enforce some draconian anti-undocumented immigrant law, even if Uncle Sam doesn’t like it. “We’re going to do what’s best for the people of Colorado,” he said — excepting, I guess, the non-citizen people of Colorado.
Maes told his audience that he keeps going to what he thinks are fundraisers, only to find himself being told by various congressmen and senators to quit the gubernatorial race (these are also called “interventions,” Dan). Longtime immigrant-hater Tom Tancredo is so fed up with Maes that he’s entered the race on the Constitution Party ticket. And Tancredo is now polling in second place, more or less guaranteeing that Democrat John Hickenlooper will be the next governor of Colorado.
The Colorado Independent called county GOP chairs, and a consensus seems to be forming that this whole Maes mess happened because the state party did everything in its power to avoid a contested primary involving more than one viable candidate — and then their preferred candidate crashed and burned.
Maes used to tell a great story about working “undercover” battling gambling and drugs — until he was dismissed from the police force because he “got too close to some significant people in the community who were involved in these activities.” This supposedly happened in a town improbably named Liberal, Kansas. Except that it didn’t ever happen, as he was eventually forced to admit that he made the story up.
Alex Pareene writes about politics for Salon and is the author of "The Rude Guide to Mitt." Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org and follow him on Twitter @pareeneMore Alex Pareene.
Domino's Specialty Chicken: It's like regular pizza, except instead of a crust, there's fried chicken. The company's marketing officer calls it "one of the most creative, innovative menu items we have ever had” -- brain power put to good use.
KFC'S ZINGER DOUBLE DOWN KING: A sandwich made by adding a burger patty to the infamous chicken-instead-of-buns creation can only be described using all caps. NO BUN ALL MEAT. Only available in South Korea.
Taco Bell's Waffle Taco: It took two years for Taco Bell to develop this waffle folded in the shape of a taco, the stand-out star of its new breakfast menu.
Krispy Kreme Triple Cheeseburger: Only attendees at the San Diego County Fair were given the opportunity to taste the official version of this donut-hamburger-heart attack combo. The rest of America has reasonable odds of not dropping dead tomorrow.
Taco Bell's Quesarito: A burrito wrapped in a quesadilla inside an enigma. Quarantined to one store in Oklahoma City.