From a pizza-cutter fork to a ride-on beer cooler scooter, a collection for the truly lazy and endlessly gullible
I’m not a parent, but this much I know about kids: The one thing they want, more than anything in the whole wide world, is a pretty birthday cake. Cute colors, thumb-size Dora the Explorers, the whole nine. You know what is not going to be pretty? The look on their faces when Dad comes and mashes the whole thing to hell with a giant dull plastic saw. So if you ever wanted to make sure your children will never stop talking about you to their shrinks, order now!
Pizza is one of the world’s great lazy convenience foods, but I understand that some people like to add a layer of formality to it by eating with a fork and knife. However, if you’re too proud to eat with your hands but also too lazy to actually pick up a knife with your fork, there is still hope for you! But, all snark aside, I can see where this would be really helpful to, say, a returning war hero who lost a hand in combat. And who is also too proud to pick up a slice of pizza. And who grew up envying pizzeria guys for that cool rolling pizza cutter thingie. So it’s useful to those people.
While we’re on the subject of cutting pizza, I suppose I could present arguments for why this product is not a Nobel-winning idea, but, I mean, look at that thing. Imagine what an absolute loser you will look like for whipping that out.
Motorized Ice Cream Cone
Finally! It is so oppressive to have to move my head, neck and hand to eat ice cream, and I’m thrilled that someone is thoughtful enough to fix that. Now, if only they’ll invent a way to not have to burn any calories digesting it, then my life would be perfect.
So, the point of the Banana Bunker is to protect bananas from dreadful bruising while they’re in your bag. Do you have a problem with bananas bruising in your bag? Neither do I. So maybe that’s why they decided to try to sell it by making it look like a sex toy as much as possible. I mean, it’s suggestive-looking enough, but then on their website it’s surrounded by jewels and other articles of seduction. I just keep thinking how even the porn shops down the street from Salon’s office would be embarrassed to have that in their windows.
When I was a kid, riding a moped around town was grounds for getting beaten up, and let me say this: I did not grow up in a tough neighborhood. So pity the poor child whose dad, fresh out of beer, gets sent to the store to pick up a few cases of Natty Lights on this thing. Or pity the poor dad for getting it himself, really. Also, the Cruzin Cooler’s website claims that the “vehicle” can accommodate a 250-pound rider. But that it’s been tested to 540. Just sayin’, I guess.
I first saw one of these in the home of a man whose personal passion is to collect kooky kitchen gadgets and dolls that talk. (You should see his chorus of singing fish.) Anyway, his Egg Cuber was clearly older than I am, looking for all the world like a miniature medieval torture device. I laughed at the cutely cubed eggs it made, thinking how incredibly quaint, mid-century housewife they were. And then I saw Rachael Ray get all excited about her brand-new Egg Cuber, and suddenly some egg sadist is very, very rich. Shows you what the hell I know.
Potato Chip Hand (Potechi no Te)
As the kind of person who opens a bag of chips and then five minutes later will look at the now-empty sack with regret, I had to say that these Japanese single-potato-chip tongs were kind of brilliant. I mean, if you were forced to eat chips one by one, how much easier would it be to actually have a sense of discipline about it? (And how Japanese would it be to have invented this?) But then I looked further into it, and found out that these things are designed so that you can eat chips and not get your video game controllers greasy. Which, I guess, is still very Japanese.
If you’re of the type who calls ice cubes your favorite indulgence, you may consider the classily named Le Whif, a device that allows you to breathe in the flavor of a food without having to, you know, eat it. The website proudly proclaims the technology involved, pulverizing chocolate so that it’s “small enough to become airborne but too large to enter the lungs,” so that you can take a puff and have “an experience of flavor without a single calorie.” I mean, is this even worth making fun of? Or should we all just hold hands and weep together?