Tonya Harding: “Hey, Nancy? Nancy Kerrigan? I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what happened in Detroit in 1994, and you know, sometimes I can’t sleep thinking of how I made my ex-husband and bodyguard try to break your leg like that. Maybe if you pray on it, you could tell me what you were doing when you tempted them. Is this thing recording?”

Amy Fisher: “Hi Mary Jo! I’m all grown up and nobody’s called me the Long Island Lolita in at least a few days. Anyway, about shooting you in the face because I was sleeping with your husband. Remember a few years ago when I said I had ‘no sympathy’ for you just because you still have a bullet in your head? Well that bullet technically belongs to me, and I’m suing for damages. You’ll be hearing from my attorney.”

The Los Angeles Police Department: “Is this the home of Mr. Rodney King? Mr. King, we’d like you to come down to the station for a little talk with our public relations people. It’s been 18 years, and all that damage downtown from those riots you caused when a few of our guys beat you — do you know how much manpower went into that? Can we get along? By which we mean, can you just admit this is all your fault?”

Monica Lewinsky: “Madame Secretary, a few years ago I told Barbara Walters that I wouldn’t dream of asking you to forgive me, but that I was very sorry for what happened. Don’t you think it’s time now you did the same for me? I had to host a dating competition show. On FOX. That’s a pain you helped cause, Madame Secretary.”

Linda Tripp: “Hey, Monica, heard you were speed dialing Hillary and it reminded me, you would never have gotten all those TV gigs if I didn’t record our conversations. But did you ever thank me? Did you ever use any of my dating advice? You can apologize to the Clintons, but what about my feelings? You never even thanked me for saving you a dry cleaning bill on that dress.”

NBC: “We know it’s a little late, and um, this is kind of awkward, but you know, we never really stopped thinking about you. Your smile, your laugh, your unyielding hatred of how we treated you when we were together. Things have been a little crazy around here this year and soooo, maybe you’d like to think about getting back together? Let’s just forget everything that happened, admit you were totally wrong and start new. Call! Or text! Or just follow on Twitter! We’ll find you! Peacock forevah!”

Toby Keith: “I’m not sure if this is the voicemail for Martie, Emily, Natalie or all-a you Chicks, but you got a whole album and a movie out of me telling the world what liberal traitor terrorist-loving ladies you are. And I know you said you’re not ready to make nice, but it’s been seven years, and my flag, my bald eagle, and I are ready to hear your apology.”

Ali Khamenei: “Rushdie, do you know how many frickin’ fatwas I can issue before you’ve had your breakfast? If people didn’t love Bono so much, you’d be in a heap of trouble. Can’t you say you’re sorry yet? We’ll still want to kill you, but you might feel better about your crummy book. You should probably apologize for ‘The Moor’s Last Sigh,’ too, but just for the clunky plotting.”

Dick Cheney: “Oh Harry, You just can’t let bygones be bygones, can you? I barely even shot you. And they were just pellets, man! But I heard about how you had to go blabbing to the Washington Post just a few days ago. Not cool, bro. Not cool. Say you’re sorry or it’s a paintball rematch, and you’re going down.”