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Monday, Nov 22, 2010 1:30 PM UTC

“Sarah Palin’s Alaska” recap: Mama Grizzly goes shootin’

Sarah makes her case to the American people as her teen daughters fire guns and join her on a family vacation

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Topics: Sarah Palin's Alaska, Sarah Palin, Television,

Sarah Palin with her son, Trig

In this edition of “Sarah Palin’s Alaska,” Mama Grizzly demonstrated that she works harder, gets dirtier, rises earlier, cares more and remains perkier than all of the liberal pansies who are stealing the American dream from hardworking families. 

Before we travel to the halibut capital of Alaska — a “working man’s” town appropriately called “Homer” — with the self-described “everyday American” Palin family, Sarah shows us how she spends the bright Alaskan summers getting up at 4am to take a pilates class before talking to the “East Coast” at 7am — because the best way to start the day is “sweaty and a little bit hurtin’.” After a full day tweetin’ and setting her record straight with the “lamestream” media, she gathers the hapless Todd and “old soul” Bristol for a quick turn at the shooting range — or as Sarah describes it, “the place where her girlfriends took her for her baby shower before Piper was born.”

“I love telling that story because it gets the liberals all wee wee’d up,” she explains to the camera before browbeating a dour-looking Bristol into shooting. Bristol shrugs, lifts the gun to her shoulders and aimlessly shoots five seconds after the bright orange clay pigeon has skipped in front of her, hoping that the way she’s chewing her gum is appropriately communicating her teenage boredom and contempt. ”We’re not going to stop until you get one,” an increasingly annoyed Sarah says to her, “don’t retreat, RELOAD.” “Mom, take your prom hair and go home,” Bristol replies, prompting father Todd to laugh out loud for the first time all episode. 

Then it’s off to the RV, where the entire family (sans baby Trigg, who is left with Todd’s parents) travels the five hours to Homer while Sarah reads important-looking documents (a full explanation of the Bush Doctrine, perhaps?) in the front seat. ”Why are we going to Homer?” she says to the camera, in one of the many scripted “how cute is SHE” moments. The answer? “Just for the halibut!”

Silence. 

“See, Alaskans know that joke,” she continues to somebody off-camera, “but I don’t know that anybody else will.” 

Adorable.

In Homer, Sarah and Todd visit the local fisherman’s memorial. Every fishing town in Alaska has one of these memorials, a reminder that commercial fishing is a dangerous profession that takes many lives each year. “Mother Nature always wins,” Sarah explains to us sadly (except when it comes to global warming. Or drilling in wildlife refuges. Then we win.)

Throughout the hour, we get small insights into the Palin daughters — none more mischievous than middle daughter Willow who seesaws between troublesome and self-critical. “I look like a [garbled self-insult] Bristol,” she complains to her older sister — prompting an exasperated Sarah to utter the most revealing line of the episode: ”Don’t be so conscious, Willow.”    

Then it was time for the big fishing expedition with Bristol followed by a romantic kayak with Todd — a backdrop for some truly breathtaking Alaskan scenery and the appropriate forum for candidate Sarah to make her case to the American people. 

These are various quotes from the expedition — and the messages we are meant to take away from them.

Sarah to the captain before boarding the fishing boat:  ”We’re ready to get out hands dirty.”   

Subtext:  NObama dips his soft mocha hands into cucumber water before daintily spearing his frisee pear salad with a silver salad fork purchased with your tax dollars. Who would you rather see at ground zero after the next terrorist attack?

Bristol to camera after Sarah helps pull an 80-pound halibut into the boat, explaining what she appreciates about her mother: “Seeing her work hard — work ethic is the biggest life lesson.”

Subtext:  The liberals want to take your halibut money and give it to environmentalists, abortionists, gay wedding caterers, Maury Povich talk show guests and Bank of America.

Sarah on the “slime line” at the Halibut fish processing plant: “Oh, I love that smell. It smells like work.”

Subtext:  And it smells American — unlike the illegal immigrants who cross our borders, have dirty monkey sex in government-subsidized accommodations and spray their 15 children all over our pristine corn fields.

Sarah to Todd during their kayak along the coast: “How come we can’t ever be satisfied with tranquility and serenity? Why we gotta compete? Screw the finesse, I just gotta win!”

Subtext: Palin 2012. Get ready Pelosi commies.

More Kirkland Hamill.

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