Are you ready, Russell Stover? Our cranky staff tested the most popular candies, and lived to tell the tale
Since Valentine’s Day is ostensibly a holiday about passion, I guess it makes sense that people feel strongly about their V-Day candy. Take, for instance, this e-mail I received last week: “Russell Stover has terrorized enough Valentine’s Days. He MUST BE STOPPED!” And then I heard a parade of protesters marching down the street: “Hey hey, ho ho, Russell Stover’s got to go!” (OK, that didn’t really happen.) But I figured it might be time to do a taste test of popular Valentine’s candies, to get a sense of how good, bad and romantically effective they are.
But before we start, a word on getting the “right” candy. Because let’s face it: When it comes to getting a sexytime gift to your sexytime friend, there’s 1) never really a bad time and 2) a pretty easy way of going about this — you drop some real coin. You get truffles from the heavy hitters: Jacques Torres, Francois Payard, Gail Ambrosius, and if you’re really fancy, La Maison du Chocolat or Oriol Balaguer. There are dozens more chocolate makers I could name here, because when it comes down to it, you’re not going to go very wrong if you’re buying from serious people. Yes, some are better than others, but what you’re giving is a luxury, an indulgence, and is your honeypie ever really going to say, “Well, baby, I like these jasmine truffles from Kee’s Chocolates, but it would’ve been better if you got me the more floral and complex cacao notes from Torres”? Because that person is no fun to have sexytime with anyway.
(Caveat: Whatever you do, don’t spend your money on Godiva truffles. They’re crazy. They cost more than many of these serious, handmade chocolatiers, and they’re just glorified factory chocolates, too sweet and dull-flavored. It’s a love gift, people! Make sure the chocolate is made with love.)
But the decision-making gets harder in the middle of the pack, when we’re dealing with readily available pre-packaged candies. So, to help separate the rough from the smooch, here is our very unscientific guide to the great chocolate lake. Our esteemed panel of judges (OK, Salon staffers and interns) were asked to taste these candies and examine the packaging, to determine how delicious and romantically effective these gifts would be.
More Related Stories
- The best of Tumblr porn
- From global warming to fluoride: Why do people deny science?
- What does it really feel like to fall out of a building?
- How Dan Savage lost it
- Will U.S. amphibians become endangered species?
- I don't hate millennials anymore!
- Developers evict historic women's shelter to build luxury hotel
- Kaitlyn Hunt refuses plea offer, will go to court over high school relationship
- The secrets of cicada survival
- Nobody "needs" to rape
- Catholic Church in market for more exorcists
- Report: Nearly a quarter of all Americans struggle to afford food
- Louie Gohmert: Women should be forced to carry nonviable pregnancies to term
- This is what Guy Fieri looks like as a balloon
- Boy Scouts to members: Just don't be a gay adult
- Anonymous rallies behind Kaitlyn Hunt
- Mistrial in penalty phase of Arias case
- My text blew up in my face
- Boy Scouts end ban on openly gay boys
- Mississippi could begin prosecuting women for miscarriages
- Teenage girl claims she was beaten up for looking like Taylor Swift
Featured Slide Shows
The week in 10 picsclose X
- 1 of 11
Lisa Montgomery embraces her nephew Thursday after a tornado tore apart her home in Cleburne, Texas. The twister killed six people and destroyed entire swaths of the North Texas town.
Credit: AP/LM Otero
Jack McMahon, the defense attorney for abortion doctor Kermit Gosnell, speaks outside the Criminal Justice Center in Philadelphia Tuesday. His client was convicted of killing three babies in his clinic, and will serve multiple life sentences.
Credit: AP/Matt Rourke
A photo taken Monday captures Vice President Joe Biden's response to a Milwaukee second-grader's innovative proposal to end America's epidemic of gun violence. This guy!
Credit: AP/Jenny Aicher
Sen. Rand Paul, R-Ky., flanked by a grouper-eyed Michele Bachmann, addresses the IRS' admission that it targeted Tea Party groups in advance of the 2012 election. In an op-ed for CNN Thursday, the Kentucky senator slammed the president for his faux outrage.
Credit: AP/Molly Riley
Ousted IRS chief Steven Miller is sworn in on Capitol Hill Friday. Miller testified before the House Ways and Means Committee on the extra scrutiny the agency gave conservative groups applying for tax-exempt status.
Credit: AP/J. Scott Applewhite
Attorney General Eric Holder pauses as he testifies on Capitol Hill before the House Judiciary Committee Wednesday. Holder is under fire, among other things, for the Justice Department's gathering of phone records at the Associated Press.
Credit: AP/Carolyn Kaster
O.J. Simpson sits during an evidentiary hearing at Clark County District Court in Las Vegas, Nev., Thursday. Simpson, who is currently serving a nine-to-33-year sentence in state prison for armed robbery and kidnapping, is using a writ of habeas corpus to seek a new trial.
Credit: AP/Las Vegas Review-Journal/Jeff Scheid
Major Tom to ground control: On Sunday astronaut Chris Hadfield recorded the first music video from space, a cover of David Bowie's "Space Oddity."
Credit: AP/NASA/Chris Hadfield
When it rains it pours. President Barack Obama speaks during a news conference Thursday with Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan, inexplicably inspiring an #umbrellagate Twitter meme.
Credit: AP/Jacquelyn Martin
A smoke plume rises high above a road block at the intersection of County A and Ross Road east of Solon Springs, Wis., Tuesday. No injuries were reported, but the the wildfire caused evacuations across northwestern Wisconsin.
Credit: AP/The Duluth News-Tribune/Clint Austin
Recent Slide Shows
- 1 of 11
Francis Lam eats the outlandish foods you want to try but probably shouldn't. An occasional series, per doctor's orders and decency's sake.