2014's fast food atrocities
Burger King's black cheeseburger: Made with squid ink and bamboo charcoal, arguably a symbol of meat's destructive effect on the planet. Only available in Japan.
What a treat. Michele Bachmann, Minnesota congresswoman and Mirror Universe America’s next president, has an amazing 28-year-old son named Lucas who apparently emulates the late William F. Buckley. And he is one of her “closest advisers.”
Lucas wrote a tribute to Buckley, upon the National Review founder’s death, that he sent to a local paper:
“[M]ovement intellects such as Buckley are indelible,” Lucas Bachmann wrote. “Like the majority of conservatives, I watched and marveled at his eloquent didacticism drawn from a prolix lexicon that can only be described as Buckleyesque.”
Haha “prolix lexicon.” That is indeed “Buckleyesque,” a term that generally means “writing like an asshole.”
Lucas Bachmann is what happens when a professional right-wing culture warrior home-schools her children. If you view public schooling as liberal indoctrination you educate your children through conservative indoctrination. The Bachmann children — five biological and 23 foster, for which the Minnesota government generously gives her a huge cash handout — are all schooled in-house, though they are apparently allowed to go to college. As kids they probably all read Murray Rothbard instead of Beverly Cleary.
This Lucas Bachmann revelation is supposed to be surprising, because his mother “hates” those “Washington elites” so much, and because Buckley himself would’ve immediately pegged her as a dimwit nutter, but the conservative elites need their useful idiots, and a clownish anti-intellectual can quite easily produce a clownish pseudo-intellectual.
Alex Pareene writes about politics for Salon and is the author of "The Rude Guide to Mitt." Email him at email@example.com and follow him on Twitter @pareeneMore Alex Pareene.
Domino's Specialty Chicken: It's like regular pizza, except instead of a crust, there's fried chicken. The company's marketing officer calls it "one of the most creative, innovative menu items we have ever had” -- brain power put to good use.
KFC'S ZINGER DOUBLE DOWN KING: A sandwich made by adding a burger patty to the infamous chicken-instead-of-buns creation can only be described using all caps. NO BUN ALL MEAT. Only available in South Korea.
Taco Bell's Waffle Taco: It took two years for Taco Bell to develop this waffle folded in the shape of a taco, the stand-out star of its new breakfast menu.
Krispy Kreme Triple Cheeseburger: Only attendees at the San Diego County Fair were given the opportunity to taste the official version of this donut-hamburger-heart attack combo. The rest of America has reasonable odds of not dropping dead tomorrow.
Taco Bell's Quesarito: A burrito wrapped in a quesadilla inside an enigma. Quarantined to one store in Oklahoma City.