An open letter to the Craigslist cat lady

A woman is offering her apartment in Washington's prestigious Dupont Circle for super cheap. There's only one catch

Topics: Satire, Craigslist, Television,

An open letter to the Craigslist cat ladyFeeding time for all my friends.

It’s hard to find a good deal on a city apartment, as anyone who has ever spent hours trolling on Craigslist will tell you. But sometimes an advertisement that’s too good to be true is exactly that. Take this Craigslist post for a D.C. sublet in the expensive Dupont Circle neighborhood.

Since I’m always looking for a great deal, I decided to email the poster:

Hi there,

Saw your ad on Craigslist regarding the room in Dupont Circle. At first I was like “What a bargain!” but then I got suspicious. What’s the catch?

What amazing luck then, to open your listing and find that not only are you offering an amazing rate on a sublet in the heart of D.C., but you’re throwing in 16 precious little angels as well! I am a huge cat fan, and I feel like I should be paying you for the honor of spending a month with Polly, Bitnum, Lightning, Lightning II (Question: Is this Lightning’s offspring or another cat from a different family whom you’ve given the same name? It’s a deal-breaker, so let me know), Bebop, Cappy, Apina, Grobor, Kyle, Leesha, Somtorious, Gleebok, Horatio, Bananana (I will assume this is the correct spelling, as I will not live in apartments with cats named after fruit), Hoppy and Duran. I would love to cuddle and hang out with these adorable fluffer-butts all day!

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I have one request, and that’s that I be allowed to bring my cats over to your apartment during this month, as I cannot shuttle back and forth every day to take care of my two sets of children! My babies are all litter-box trained, and would love to meet some new friends! Here is a brief description of my little reasons for living (as I like to call them):

Tabby – Shy

Smokey – Depressed

Simba – On medication for his attention-deficit disorder

Squeeks – Ruminative

Cat Damon – Dubious

Mrs. Winkles – Kind of a gossip

Fatso –Undermining

Orwell – Glib

Melanie – Pleasant but dull

Peaches – Might have a drug problem

Mackenzie – Uppity

Patches – Friendly to your face but don’t trust her lies

Sammy – the brown one

In addition, I have two Roombas as well and have been looking for someone who’d be interested in breeding opportunities. Purebred Roombas go for a lot of money these days!

It’s been a pleasure writing to you, and hope that our kitties will meet soon. Meow meow,

Drew

Drew Grant is a staff writer for Salon. Follow her on Twitter at @videodrew.

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