Responding to Paris Hilton’s “25 Things You Don’t Know About Me”

Celebutante tells the world there's more to her than meets the eye ... if she could only figure out what it is

Topics: Paris Hilton, Celebrity, Drugs, Television,

Responding to Paris Hilton's "25 Things You Don't Know About Me"Fun fact: Paris loves rats!!

Yesterday, celebrity of interest Paris Hilton told Us Weekly a bunch of random facts that most people “wouldn’t know about me.” As in: Did you know Paris Hilton likes to listen to Katy Perry? Now you do!

It’s a pretty incomprehensible list, as if Paris realized that most of the world knows everything interesting about her already, and had to scrape the bottom of the barrel (i.e., iTunes playlist) to come up with some data.

In case she wants to workshop it for a future article, I’ve printed her facts, along with some notes.

1. I love scrapbooking and creating albums as gifts for my friends and family.

More pictures of you and your friends hanging out isn’t a “gift,” it’s a “tabloid.”

2. I was born in NYC and grew up in a hotel.

I think you mean “as a hotel.”

3. I’m an amazing cook. I’m really great at making big breakfasts, but my specialty is lasagna.

Oh, it’s one of these things. “How much do you love eating, Paris?” “So much!”

4. I’ve played piano since I was 5.

So why didn’t you make a tape of that to get famous?

5. I have naturally curly hair.

Where?

6. Katy Perry’s music always puts me in a good mood and makes me want to dance.

This is just a declarative sentence.

7. I have pet rats.

8. I love applesauce.

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I think it’s time for a parent-teacher conference with the Hiltons again.

9. My most prized possessions are the dresses my grandmother left me.

This is fine.

10. When I was little, my mom would punish me by unplugging my private phone.

I didn’t know that! That sounds terrible! What was it like growing up with Joan Crawford as a mom?

11. I’ve seen There’s Something About Mary countless times.

I believe it. But I also believe you don’t know what numbers mean. “I’ve seen ‘There’s Something About Mary’ BFFteen-times!”

12. My aunts [Kim and Kyle Richards] are on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, and it’s one of my favorite shows!

Everyone knows this. That’s why they got on the show.

13. I was a high school cheerleader.

Didn’t know Paris went to high school, so this may be one of the only legitimate items on the list.

14. I own my own motorcycle team, and they just won their first race in France this week!

F*ck you.

15. I love Forever 21.

Me too! Ugh, but those lines for checkout take forever (21)! It’s like, why don’t they hire FEWER people to walk around aimlessly and add more people working at the fitting rooms and cashiers? Am I right, Paris? You get it.

16. I’m really good at skiing.

You’re rich and good at downhill sports? No. No way.

17. I was vegan for two years.

Fun fact: Cocaine is vegan.

18. I like to go fishing.

Was this during your vegan period?

19. Elizabeth Taylor was my great aunt.

Actually didn’t know this, so I’ll pass.

20. I have a race car license.

Are those not subject to the same DUI laws as regular licenses?

21. I love to draw. I’m always sketching designs for my handbag and footwear lines.

Seriously? You mean you just drew a picture of this and then someone made it? That’s insane.

22. I can play the violin.

See: piano.

23. I love to play practical jokes on people.

You should hang out with Brad Pitt and George Clooney.

24. I speak French but want to learn more languages.

If you speak French anything like you speak English, it’s not really an accomplishment.

25. I’m a daredevil and love to skydive!

I did not know that. This is very interesting and I feel like I know you much better now, like you are a very good friend or maybe even a BFF. Hey, since we’re BFFriends, do you mind if I borrow some countless dollars? I need it to go buy some rats for a practical race car joke. You get it.

 

Drew Grant is a staff writer for Salon. Follow her on Twitter at @videodrew.

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