Nancy Botwin and the gang return to TV tonight. Here's what you need to know
Showtime’s hit drug dramedy “Weeds” returns tonight for its 7th season. When we last left matriarch Nancy Botwin, she had turned herself in to the police for the murder of corrupt Mexican politician Pilar, who was actually killed by her son Shane, who was … you know what? Maybe this would be easier if we started at the beginning.
We’ve gone through every season of “Weeds” and boiled each one down to its most important plot points. It’s all the fun of playing catch-up, without any of the boring subplots involving Doug and Celia.
Weeds: Season 1
Nancy Botwin: Selling large quantities of marijuana is the only way I can support my family after the tragic death of my husband. I’m a pretty good mom, all things considering.
Celia: You’re my best friend but I hate you.
Nancy: Ditto. Have you seen my kids anywhere?
Drug dealer: No, but would having sex with me help?
DEA Agent Peter Scottsman: Want to get married?
Nancy: That seems like a good idea.
Weeds: Season 2
Nancy: I’m not sure if this relationship is heading in the right direction.
Andy Botwin: Would having sex with me help?
Conrad: Would having sex with me help?
Nancy: Not now.
DEA Agent: Good luck with that Mexican standoff with the Armenian mob and the head of the local gang I orchestrated in your kitchen, you bitch.
Armenian hit men: Good luck being dead.
threw all your weed into the pool stole all of your supply. Also, I’ve been sleeping with a deaf girl this whole season.
Nancy: Not now, Silas.
Weeds: Season 3
Doug: Building another suburb one town over will ruin the unique individuality of the Agrestic community.
Matthew Modine: Have you listened to your theme song lately?
Nancy: I’m being blackmailed by my dead husband’s ex-wife, as well as being trailed by the DEA.
Matthew Modine: Would having sex with me help?
Mary-Kate Olsen: I’m acting!
Nancy: Time to burn this to the ground.
Weeds: Season 4
Albert Brooks: You can stay at my house as long as you smother my mother in her sleep.
Andy: I’m going to start smuggling illegal immigrants over the border.
Shane: I’m developing severe mental problems.
Guillermo: I will pay you a lot of money to never go down into this mysterious tunnel located in the back room of a maternity store.
Nancy: No deal.
Shane: Is it weird to lose your virginity in a threesome at 13?
Nancy: Not now, Honey, Mommy is having sex with the corrupt mayor of Tijuana.
Esteban: Also I dabble in drugs and human-trafficking. No big deal.
Nancy and the DEA: Wrong.
Andy: I love you, Nancy.
Nancy: I’m pregnant and about to be murdered by the father of my child.
Silas: Happy birthday, me.
Weeds: Season 5
Esteban: Since you’re pregnant with my son, I can’t kill you. Let’s get married.
Nancy: Can someone take my other kids for a hot sec while I move to Mexico?
Andy: I’m kind of having a mental breakdown over here.
Nancy: Would having sex with my sister help?
Esteban: How do you feel about home births?
Nancy: Not a fan.
Shane: Did anyone notice that I got shot in the arm?
Nancy: Not now, Shane. Help me, Dr. Alanis Morissette!
Shane: (Kills Mexican political leader with mallet) Do I have your attention now, Mom?
Weeds: Season Six
Nancy: We have to go on the lam to protect my new baby from Esteban. Road trip?
Andy: Why did you kidnap the baby?
Nancy: Because family comes first.
Nancy: Get in the goddamn van.
Mark-Paul Gosselaar: Would having sex with me …
Richard Dreyfus: How about me?
Andy: Who wants to go to Copenhagen?
Esteban: Surprise! Not Nancy!
Nancy: Surprise! I called the police on myself!
Andy, Silas and Shane: Finally.
More Related Stories
- Stop what you're doing and go watch "Borgen"
- Teenage girl claims she was beaten up for looking like Taylor Swift
- Mike Judge: "Bowling for Columbine" made me pro-gun
- New York chef serves up eight-course meal around "Arrested Development" jokes
- HLN: Jodi Arias "pleading for her life" got us a ratings win!
- Michael Ian Black on Maron feud: He "considered me a poseur"
- Chekhov's story mirrors Russia's own
- Pussy Riot member Maria Alyokhina denied parole
- Joe Francis apologizes for calling jury "retarded"
- Mary Karr: David Foster Wallace and I kept each other alive
- Morgan Freeman sleeps during televised interview
- J.J. Abrams reveals deleted shower scene with Benedict Cumberbatch
- Is the anti-gay backlash on?
- Paul McCartney backs Pussy Riot
- Cannes: Ryan Gosling's new movie draws the boo-birds
- Radio host tweets rape joke, blames journalists for reporting on it
- Juror responds to Joe Francis' insults with thoughtful email
- New track from the Lonely Island features Solange Knowles, semicolons
- Amazon introduces fan fiction publishing platform
- Naomi Watts, "Argo," "Wonderstone" among bizarre Teen Choice Awards nominees
- Imprisoned Pussy Riot member declares hunger strike
Featured Slide Shows
The week in 10 picsclose X
- 1 of 11
Lisa Montgomery embraces her nephew Thursday after a tornado tore apart her home in Cleburne, Texas. The twister killed six people and destroyed entire swaths of the North Texas town.
Credit: AP/LM Otero
Jack McMahon, the defense attorney for abortion doctor Kermit Gosnell, speaks outside the Criminal Justice Center in Philadelphia Tuesday. His client was convicted of killing three babies in his clinic, and will serve multiple life sentences.
Credit: AP/Matt Rourke
A photo taken Monday captures Vice President Joe Biden's response to a Milwaukee second-grader's innovative proposal to end America's epidemic of gun violence. This guy!
Credit: AP/Jenny Aicher
Sen. Rand Paul, R-Ky., flanked by a grouper-eyed Michele Bachmann, addresses the IRS' admission that it targeted Tea Party groups in advance of the 2012 election. In an op-ed for CNN Thursday, the Kentucky senator slammed the president for his faux outrage.
Credit: AP/Molly Riley
Ousted IRS chief Steven Miller is sworn in on Capitol Hill Friday. Miller testified before the House Ways and Means Committee on the extra scrutiny the agency gave conservative groups applying for tax-exempt status.
Credit: AP/J. Scott Applewhite
Attorney General Eric Holder pauses as he testifies on Capitol Hill before the House Judiciary Committee Wednesday. Holder is under fire, among other things, for the Justice Department's gathering of phone records at the Associated Press.
Credit: AP/Carolyn Kaster
O.J. Simpson sits during an evidentiary hearing at Clark County District Court in Las Vegas, Nev., Thursday. Simpson, who is currently serving a nine-to-33-year sentence in state prison for armed robbery and kidnapping, is using a writ of habeas corpus to seek a new trial.
Credit: AP/Las Vegas Review-Journal/Jeff Scheid
Major Tom to ground control: On Sunday astronaut Chris Hadfield recorded the first music video from space, a cover of David Bowie's "Space Oddity."
Credit: AP/NASA/Chris Hadfield
When it rains it pours. President Barack Obama speaks during a news conference Thursday with Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan, inexplicably inspiring an #umbrellagate Twitter meme.
Credit: AP/Jacquelyn Martin
A smoke plume rises high above a road block at the intersection of County A and Ross Road east of Solon Springs, Wis., Tuesday. No injuries were reported, but the the wildfire caused evacuations across northwestern Wisconsin.
Credit: AP/The Duluth News-Tribune/Clint Austin
Recent Slide Shows
- 1 of 11