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Monday, Jun 27, 2011 8:09 PM UTC

“Weeds”: An abbreviated series primer

Nancy Botwin and the gang return to TV tonight. Here's what you need to know

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Topics: Weeds, Satire, Television,

Mary-Louise Parker as Nancy Botwin.

Showtime’s hit drug dramedy “Weeds” returns tonight for its 7th season. When we last left matriarch Nancy Botwin, she had turned herself in to the police for the murder of corrupt Mexican politician Pilar, who was actually killed by her son Shane, who was … you know what? Maybe this would be easier if we started at the beginning.

We’ve gone through every season of “Weeds” and boiled each one down to its most important plot points. It’s all the fun of playing catch-up, without any of the boring subplots involving Doug and Celia.

Weeds: Season 1

Nancy Botwin: Selling large quantities of marijuana is the only way I can support my family after the tragic death of my husband. I’m a pretty good mom, all things considering.

Celia: You’re my best friend but I hate you.

Nancy: Ditto. Have you seen my kids anywhere?

Drug dealer: No, but would having sex with me help?

Nancy: Sure.

DEA Agent Peter Scottsman: Want to get married?

Nancy: That seems like a good idea.

Weeds: Season 2

Nancy: I’m not sure if this relationship is heading in the right direction.

Andy Botwin: Would having sex with me help?

Nancy: No.

Conrad: Would having sex with me help?

Nancy: Sure.

Silas: Mom?

Nancy: Not now.

DEA Agent: Good luck with that Mexican standoff with the Armenian mob and the head of the local gang I orchestrated in your kitchen, you bitch.

Armenian hit men: Good luck being dead.

Silas: I threw all your weed into the pool stole all of your supply. Also, I’ve been sleeping with a deaf girl this whole season.

Nancy: Not now, Silas.

Weeds: Season 3

Doug: Building another suburb one town over will ruin the unique individuality of the Agrestic community.

Matthew Modine: Have you listened to your theme song lately?

Nancy: I’m being blackmailed by my dead husband’s ex-wife, as well as being trailed by the DEA.

Matthew Modine: Would having sex with me help?

Nancy: Sure.

Mary-Kate Olsen: I’m acting!

Nancy: Time to burn this to the ground.

Weeds: Season 4

Albert Brooks: You can stay at my house as long as you smother my mother in her sleep.

Nancy: Fine.

Andy: I’m going to start smuggling illegal immigrants over the border.

Nancy: Fine.

Shane: I’m developing severe mental problems.

Nancy: Fine.

Guillermo: I will pay you a lot of money to never go down into this mysterious tunnel located in the back room of a maternity store.

Nancy: No deal.

Shane: Is it weird to lose your virginity in a threesome at 13?

Nancy: Not now, Honey, Mommy is having sex with the corrupt mayor of Tijuana.

Esteban: Also I dabble in drugs and human-trafficking. No big deal.

Nancy and the DEA: Wrong.

Andy: I love you, Nancy.

Nancy: I’m pregnant and about to be murdered by the father of my child.

Silas: Happy birthday, me.

Weeds: Season 5

Esteban: Since you’re pregnant with my son, I can’t kill you. Let’s get married.

Nancy: Can someone take my other kids for a hot sec while I move to Mexico?

Andy: I’m kind of having a mental breakdown over here.

Nancy: Would having sex with my sister help?

Esteban: How do you feel about home births?

Nancy: Not a fan.

Shane: Did anyone notice that I got shot in the arm?

Nancy: Not now, Shane. Help me, Dr. Alanis Morissette!

Shane: (Kills Mexican political leader with mallet) Do I have your attention now, Mom?

Weeds: Season Six

Nancy: We have to go on the lam to protect my new baby from Esteban. Road trip?

Andy: Why did you kidnap the baby?

Nancy: Because family comes first.

Everyone laughs

Nancy: Get in the goddamn van.

Mark-Paul Gosselaar: Would having sex with me …

Nancy: Sure.

Richard Dreyfus: How about me?

Nancy: Um.

Andy: Who wants to go to Copenhagen?

Esteban: Surprise! Not Nancy!

Nancy: Surprise! I called the police on myself!

Andy, Silas and Shane: Finally.

Drew Grant is a staff writer for Salon. Follow her on Twitter at @videodrew. More Drew Grant.

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