Gay Marriage
Will marriage change gay love?
Many have embraced the romantic values of the mainstream -- and dropped ideas about alternative lifestyles
With the sixth and largest U.S. state legalizing same-sex marriage, I began to wonder about the impact on gay relationships as a whole. Will dating become fraught with the prospect of a governmentally recognized happily ever after? Will the fairy-tale fantasy take hold in the same way it has for heterosexuals and shape romantic dynamics? I took these questions to some smart thinkers on LGBT issues and, resoundingly, the answer was: Um, that’s already happened.
The gay community has long prided itself on the acceptance of more fluid romantic, sexual and familial relationships — “alternative” lifestyles, if you will — but for some time now, same-sex marriage has been the cause célèbre. “A generation of upper-middle-class white lesbians and gays are already enamored by the idea of marriage,” Laurie Essig, a professor of sociology at Middlebury College, told me. The “ideology of romance” affects gays and lesbians as much as everyone else, she says. They are just as eager to “ride off into the sunset” with that person who “meets all of your emotional and sexual needs.”
Michael Amico, a 26-year-old gay man and graduate student at Yale studying the history of sexuality, told me, “Ever since marriage was the gay issue, the diversity of types of gay relationships has narrowed,” he said. “The major difference with my generation and those who were my age in the ’70s and ’80s is, I find, that no one can have a conversation about an open relationship.” He points out that most young gay people consider same-sex marriage to be the No. 1 most important issue to them. “My question is, ‘Why is it important to you? How does it matter to you?’”
First and foremost, marriage seems to matter to gays for the same reason it matters to straights: a sense of romantic commitment and security. As Kelly McClure wryly wrote in a piece for Vice, “We can now legally, and in writing, demand that the person we love never ever leave us. EVER!! Or you know, until they sign another legal document that says they can.” (With the right to marry comes the right to mock it.) In the piece, titled “How Gay Marriage Will Change Lesbian Relationships,” she points out that the ol’ joke about what a lesbian brings to a second date (a Uhaul) will need a new punch line: a wedding ring.
On a more serious note, McClure explained in an email that the same-sex marriage ban never prevented her from playing house with girlfriends: “I’ve worn rings with partners in the past as a homemade version of being ‘married,’” the 34-year-old New Yorker told me. “Now that gays can get legally married, I hope it feels as real as it is, and not just like an extended version of the fantasy land that we find ourselves flitting in and out of with our partners.” The dream of the white wedding took hold long before same-sex marriage was even on the table — and of course. “Everybody is told from the age of 2 that you’re gonna grow up to be married,” Michael Bronski, author of “A Queer History of the United States,” says. “We have a $40 billion a year wedding industry.”
It isn’t just young gay adults who have subscribed to the marital fairy tale. Bronski, who teaches women’s and gender studies at Dartmouth College, tells me that his gay male students often express that “their parents, their mothers in particular, are really happy that they can get married and they are looking forward to them finding the right guy.” These parents are part of a generation whose view of male homosexuality was shaped by the AIDS epidemic. “For them, marriage is not so much the happy ending as safety — which is a complete fantasy, of course,” he says. “The parents think of same-sex marriage as a prophylactic.”
The ideal of monogamous domesticity has hardly halted gay hookup culture on campus. “It’s possible to have fantasies that are not congruent,” Bronski points out. From talking with his gay students, he says it’s perfectly normal for a young gay man to think that he’s going to meet a great guy, get married and have kids at the same time that he’s thinking, “Let’s see who’s on Manhunt right now!” When he asks his students — gay, straight or bi — about whether they want to get married, the usual response is, “I’d like to but I’m not planning on it right now.” In other words, they’re hooking up until they meet Mr. or Mrs. Right and settle down, just like their straight classmates.
To some in the LGBT community, it all seems so traditional, so straight. “The last few times I’ve gone to Pride, I’ve chanted with friends, ‘Put the alternative back in alternative lifestyle,’” Essig, author of “Queer in Russia,” tells me. Her concern is that marriage ultimately doesn’t make for a healthier, happier existence. “It diminishes the possibility of authentic human connection, because we’re living off this script written by Disney or from some bad Julia Roberts romcom,” she says. Essig expressed a similar sentiment in Salon in 2000: “What annoys me is that no one, not even queers, can imagine anything other than marriage as a model for organizing our desires,” she wrote. “In the past, we queers have had to beg, cheat, steal and lie in order to create our families. But it’s exactly this lack of state and societal recognition that gave us the freedom to organize our lives according to desire rather than convention.”
The marriage equality movement has inspired a small minority of gays and lesbians to speak out against same-sex and opposite-sex unions alike (see: Againstequality.org). In “Beyond (Straight and Gay) Marriage,” Nancy Polikoff argues that marriage “is not more important or valuable than other forms of family, so the law should not give it more value,” and people “should never have to marry to reap specific and unique legal benefits.” If you thought the fight for gay marriage was contentious, just try to imagine a widespread movement to tear down the institution as a whole.
Tracy Clark-Flory is a staff writer at Salon. Follow @tracyclarkflory on Twitter. More Tracy Clark-Flory.
Democrats’ gay marriage excuse
Are Democratic politicians, like Andrew Cuomo, using social issues to distract from the economic status quo?
Andrew Cuomo (Credit: Reuters/Hans Pennink) Headlines transmit information in its rawest form — and the best of headlines crystallize indelible truths. Such was the case this week when the New York Daily News blared this simple but iconic headline: “Cuomo: Minimum Wage Harder to Get Than Gay Marriage.”
The story quoted New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D) claiming that the effort to raise wages for the poorest of his constituents represents a “broader and deeper” divide than the recent successful fight to legalize same-sex matrimony in the Empire State. Though the piece quickly dissolved into the ether, it should have received more attention because it is an important Rosetta Stone — one that translates this era’s inscrutable political rhetoric into a clear admission that money trumps everything else.
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David Sirota is a best-selling author of the new book "Back to Our Future: How the 1980s Explain the World We Live In Now." He hosts the morning show on AM760 in Colorado. E-mail him at ds@davidsirota.com, follow him on Twitter @davidsirota or visit his website at www.davidsirota.com. More David Sirota.
When leaders actually lead
Some Obama backers insisted the president could do nothing on his own to advance gay marriage. Boy, were they wrong
U.S. President Barack Obama speaks at a campaign fund raising event in Denver, Colorado May 23, 2012. (Credit: Reuters/Kevin Lamarque) I count myself as a supporter of President Obama who reserves the right to criticize him when I disagree. And I disagreed with his reluctance to come out in support of gay marriage for a long time. I’m also on record wishing he’d taken a stronger public stance behind several big progressive priorities — a larger stimulus, tougher Wall Street reform, a public option for health insurance, a big jobs bill – whether or not he had the congressional support to make it happen.
Continue Reading CloseJoan Walsh is Salon's editor at large. More Joan Walsh.
Marvel Comics plans wedding for gay hero Northstar
Out since 1992, the openly gay superhero will walk down the aisle in late June
This comic book cover image released by Marvel shows "Astonishing X-Men," No 51. Marvel Comics said Tuesday, May 22, 2012 that the Canadian character named Jean-Paul Beaubier, right, will marry his beau, Kyle Jinadu, in this edition due out June 20. (AP Photo/Marvel Comics)(Credit: AP) PHILADELPHIA (AP) — Wedding bells will ring this summer for Marvel Comics’ first openly gay hero, super speedster Northstar.
The New York-based publisher said Tuesday that Canadian character Jean-Paul Beaubier will marry his beau, Kyle Jinadu, in the pages of “Astonishing X-Men” No. 51. That’s due out June 20.
Northstar revealed he was gay in the pages of “Alpha Flight” No. 106 in 1992. He was one of Marvel’s first characters to do so.
Since then, numerous comic book heroes and villains have been identified as gay, lesbian or transgender.
Marjorie Liu is writing the series. She says the decision to have the pair marry was fitting, noting that the relationship between Kyle and Northstar has grown in recent years.
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Marvel Entertainment LLC is owned by The Walt Disney Co.
Manny Pacquiao loses his crown
The boxer's anti-gay remarks lead us to take an unprecedented step: We're revoking his Salon Sexiest Man title
Steve Carell and Manny Pacquiao (Credit: AP) We’re all relieved around here that Manny Pacquiao is not really some Leviticus-quoting loon who says that gays “must be put to death” – even if that may have something to do with the fact that he admits “I haven’t read the Book of Leviticus yet.”
But it’s nonetheless disappointing that a man we at Salon bestowed our highest honor to just six months ago has proven himself so terribly unenlightened. In an interview for Examiner.com last week, one of our 2011 Sexiest Men declared of marriage, “It should not be of the same sex so as to adulterate the altar of matrimony, like in the days of Sodom and Gomorrah of Old.” Oh dear. Winning lots of fights? Sexy. Getting elected to the Filipino Congress? Sexy. “Donating millions to improve living conditions in his poverty-stricken nation”? Super hot. Not being down with civil rights? Bzzzzzzt!
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Mary Elizabeth Williams is a staff writer for Salon and the author of "Gimme Shelter: My Three Years Searching for the American Dream." Follow her on Twitter: @embeedub. More Mary Elizabeth Williams.
Jonathan Rauch: “We are a sideshow no longer”
At his first same-sex marriage since Obama's big announcement, a longtime advocate reflects on a decades-long fight
(Credit: Chris Howey via Shutterstock) It’s a beautiful spring day in Washington, D.C., around 5 p.m. I am arriving at the august Peterson Institute for International Economics. Today, however, the place is not a think tank but a chapel, and the important words to be uttered are not “trade-weighted exchange rates” but “I do.”
My old friend Joe Gagnon is getting married today to Paul Adamczak, his longtime partner. How I hate that word “partner”! As if Joe and Paul were members of the same law firm. Within the hour, I am pleased to realize, they will be partners no longer. Under District of Columbia law, they will be husbands.
Continue Reading CloseJonathan Rauch is a guest scholar at the Brookings Institution and author of "Gay Marriage: Why It Is Good for Gays, Good for Straights, and Good for America." More Jonathan Rauch.
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