2014's fast food atrocities
Burger King's black cheeseburger: Made with squid ink and bamboo charcoal, arguably a symbol of meat's destructive effect on the planet. Only available in Japan.
Despite the fact that it seems linked to the meteoric rise of nutcase Michele Bachmann, I have taken great pleasure in the drawn-out national humiliation of former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty, a perfect “on-paper” presidential candidate who sinks lower and lower in the polls with each passing week.
Pawlenty is at two percent in the latest Washington Post/ABC poll. The more he campaigns, the worse his numbers get.
Obviously desperate to get some press attention (despite the fact that more attention he gets, the less people want to vote for him), Pawlenty on Wednesday gingerly attacked Bachmann for her recently disclosed problem with migraines.
“All of the candidates I think are going to have to be able to demonstrate they can do all of the job all of the time,” he told reporters after an event in Indianola.
He added: “There’s no real time off in that job.”
But Pawlenty cannot pull off “mean” convincingly, in part because he cannot pull off most recognizably human emotions and behaviors convincingly. His decision to vaguely go on the offensive lasted less than one day. Later, on Fox, he admitted that Bachmann seems to have her migraines well in control:
“I think it’s mostly a sideshow,” Pawlenty told FOX News on Wednesday, when asked about the story. “I’ve observed Congresswoman Bachmann. I’ve never seen her have a medical condition or impairment that would seem to be a concern.”
With this masterly command of messaging, Pawlenty could surge to sixth place in the Ames straw poll. (There will be six candidates in the poll, right?)
Alex Pareene writes about politics for Salon and is the author of "The Rude Guide to Mitt." Email him at email@example.com and follow him on Twitter @pareeneMore Alex Pareene.
Domino's Specialty Chicken: It's like regular pizza, except instead of a crust, there's fried chicken. The company's marketing officer calls it "one of the most creative, innovative menu items we have ever had” -- brain power put to good use.
KFC'S ZINGER DOUBLE DOWN KING: A sandwich made by adding a burger patty to the infamous chicken-instead-of-buns creation can only be described using all caps. NO BUN ALL MEAT. Only available in South Korea.
Taco Bell's Waffle Taco: It took two years for Taco Bell to develop this waffle folded in the shape of a taco, the stand-out star of its new breakfast menu.
Krispy Kreme Triple Cheeseburger: Only attendees at the San Diego County Fair were given the opportunity to taste the official version of this donut-hamburger-heart attack combo. The rest of America has reasonable odds of not dropping dead tomorrow.
Taco Bell's Quesarito: A burrito wrapped in a quesadilla inside an enigma. Quarantined to one store in Oklahoma City.