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Monday, Aug 8, 2011 9:09 PM UTC

“Two and a Half Men’s” gory elimination of Charlie Sheen

Charlie Harper dies in a "meat explosion" for CBS sitcom premiere. We think of other ways to kill off the character

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Topics: Charlie Sheen, CBS, Celebrity, Television,

Charlie Sheen awaits the grim specter of death on "Two and a Half Men."

As if CBS’ new “Two and a Half Men” naked promo wasn’t enough to convince audiences that next season is going to be for adults only (“No kids allowed! Sorry, Angus T. Jones!”), today’s plot leak regarding a certain character’s certain demise in a certain type of “meat explosion” should do the trick. (Sorry, I didn’t want anyone to get upset over spoilers.)

Here’s the spoiler alert: CBS went all out in its fantasy killing of Charlie Sheen’s dopplegänger, Charlie Harper.

From Reuters (citing TMZ):

According to TMZ’s taping attendee, the plot lays out how Rose (played by Melanie Lynskey) — the neighbor who had been doggedly pursuing Harper, and whom Harper brought to Paris last season — married Harper while in the City of Lights, but later caught him cheating on her in the shower.

According to TMZ’s, Rose speaks at Charlie’s funeral, telling everyone that while she and her spouse were waiting in a Paris subway station the day after the shower incident, Charlie “slipped” onto the tracks, in front of an oncoming train, resulting in a “meat explosion.”

I’m guessing this is the result of some contest over at Warner Bros. to see who could come up with literally the grossest way to kill off a character played by a guy who is suing them. I’m almost surprised that these other suggestions didn’t make the cut for appropriately described death scenes for the family sitcom.

1. Charlie Harper visits Universal Studios on a whim, where a comedy of errors has him entering what he believes to be Eli Roth’s “Hostel”-themed amusement park maze, but in reality turns out to be an actual torture dungeon belonging to a rich, Slovakian sadist.

2. Death by autoerotic asphyxiation while simultaneously looking at child pornography and kicking a sad orphan puppy.

3. Jon Cryer finally snaps after one too many gay jokes and beats Charlie to death with his own well-polished shoe.

4. Crew just re-edits the ending of “Se7en” to reveal what was really in that box. (It was Charlie’s head.)

5. Cocaine and hooker overdose.

Can you come up with a better ending to Charlie Harper’s life than “Two and a Half Men” did? Leave it in the comments!

Drew Grant is a staff writer for Salon. Follow her on Twitter at @videodrew. More Drew Grant.

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