The "30 Rock" star lays out his platform to win the hearts of New York City's voters
Many of you know me as Alec Baldwin, the Academy Award-nominated actor who has starred in such productions as “Glengarry Glen Ross,” “The Hunt for Red October” and that brief stint I did on “Will and Grace” back in 2005. If you are anywhere between the ages of 18 and 35, you might best know me as Jack Donaghy from NBC’s must-see TV show “30 Rock.” If you are of that age but don’t own a television, I was also the narrator in “The Royal Tenenbaums” and “Beetlejuice.” You loved those movies, didn’t you? Great.
If you are under the age of 18, I am not here to talk to you today. But that doesn’t mean you are not important. Go tell your parents how much you liked my cameo in the “SpongeBob SquarePants” film, or as the voice of Makunga the Lion in “Madagascar 2.”
So now that we all here have established that you know who I am, I would like to officially announce that I plan to run for mayor of New York City. (Wait for murmurs to die down.)
I know this may come as a shock to some of you, because you may consider me this famous Hollywood big shot, and New York is full of very real, authentic people. We all know what happens when you try to get a guy from California to lead New Yorkers into anything: You get shows like “Entourage.” I also want to clarify that I don’t believe that Ronald Reagan was the greatest president who ever lived, or that “Reaganing” should be a term associated with success, despite what my fictional character on “30 Rock” — who I must again remind you is fictional, and does not share my political viewpoints, although everything else about us is pretty much exactly the same — says.
As to my critics, who have already voiced their issues with my potential run, I would just like to say that I am neither “Trumping” nor “Palining” the situation to get a raise for “30 Rock.” I fully intend to leave that show after my contract expires in 2012, so to better focus on serving you, the good people of New York. You guys have all seen my commercials for how much I love this city, right?
I am also a huge Yankees fan, as evidenced by those other commercials in which that freakishly tall blond boy from “The Office” and I have a good-natured sparring over our respective baseball teams.
I know those two advertisements on their own might not convince you that I love this great city. There have been worries that I am too elitist for voters, since I live in a nice penthouse apartment. You know who else lives in that building? Michael J. Fox. Are you going to tell me that you wouldn’t vote for that man if he were running? Are your hearts made of stone?
Where do you think King Mayor Michael Bloomberg sleeps, anyhow? In a tent outside of the Wendy’s on 42nd Street? That’s just a Michael Bloomberg impersonator; don’t be fooled. These are the things you get to know as a native New Yorker.
Irregardless — which I know isn’t a real word but just sounds better on the tongue, doesn’t it? — I have drawn up a couple of campaign promises to win over those of you who still doubt that I am … truly … sincere about running for mayor of this town. Such as:
- Gay marriage for everyone. Even those who still claim they are straight, but have this picture of me hanging above their bed.
- Repealing NYC’s smoking ban — both indoors and outdoors — and providing every man, woman and child with a fine Cuban cigar.
- Speaking of Cubans, I will personally see to it that Marc Cuban will never be able to set foot in any of the five boroughs again, if I am elected mayor. He will get the Mets over my dead body … and that’s a promise.
- Phone hacking will be a crime punishable by the death penalty.
- To save time and money in our court system, all custody cases will now grant automatic favor to the parent who is more culturally relevant.
- I also plan to have New Yorkers subscribe to China’s infamous “One male child per family” policy. Even if those Communists were never able to go through with it, I firmly believe that adding extra male siblings into a family will bring shame and dishonor onto a household.
- The New Yorker’s “Shouts and Murmurs” section will henceforth be replaced by editorials from the Huffington Post. (Take that, Steve Martin.)
Now that you have heard some of the ways I plan to better this glorious city of ours, I hope you will take me, Alec Baldwin, as a serious Democratic contender for public office. One day, I plan to be president of the United States, and I will not forget the little people who helped me start on the path to WINNING.
Just kidding. But please be advised, I will be making several Charlie Sheen jokes next season on “30 Rock.” I would ask that the responsibility for those lines fall on the writers and not me, Alec Baldwin. I am just a humble servant of the people, albeit one who is enormously wealthy, very handsome and in no way is going to let that bastard Harvey Levin ruin this one for me.
Prepare the guillotines, my friends. Baldwin is back.
More Related Stories
- Cannes: Directing 101 with James Franco
- Welcome to the jungle: The definitive oral history of '80s metal
- Burt Bacharach opens up on daughter's suicide
- Steven Spielberg to produce "Halo" television series
- Amazon set to launch fine-art gallery
- Twitter torches Dan Brown's "Inferno"
- Brad Pitt keeps breaking his silence on how boring marriage to Jennifer Aniston was
- Lars von Trier's "Nymphomaniac" to use porn star body doubles
- New Beyoncé single leaked
- The sweet, sure to be short-lived "The Goodwin Games"
- Damon Lindelof admits barely-clothed scene in "Star Trek" was "gratuitous"
- Justin Timberlake: I'm a mediocre folk singer!
- Ray Manzarek, founding member of The Doors, dies at 74
- Beware of book blurbs
- Did a Salon excerpt ruin Penn Jillette's chance to win "Celebrity Apprentice"?
- Zach Galifianakis to take formerly homeless woman to "Hangover 3" premiere
- Seth MacFarlane will not host Oscars again
- "SNL's" uncomfortable Garner/Affleck moment
- "Celebrity Apprentice" finale ratings hit a new low
- Worst National Anthem fails
- The truth in Kanye's anti-prison rap
Featured Slide Shows
The week in 10 picsclose X
- 1 of 11
Lisa Montgomery embraces her nephew Thursday after a tornado tore apart her home in Cleburne, Texas. The twister killed six people and destroyed entire swaths of the North Texas town.
Credit: AP/LM Otero
Jack McMahon, the defense attorney for abortion doctor Kermit Gosnell, speaks outside the Criminal Justice Center in Philadelphia Tuesday. His client was convicted of killing three babies in his clinic, and will serve multiple life sentences.
Credit: AP/Matt Rourke
A photo taken Monday captures Vice President Joe Biden's response to a Milwaukee second-grader's innovative proposal to end America's epidemic of gun violence. This guy!
Credit: AP/Jenny Aicher
Sen. Rand Paul, R-Ky., flanked by a grouper-eyed Michele Bachmann, addresses the IRS' admission that it targeted Tea Party groups in advance of the 2012 election. In an op-ed for CNN Thursday, the Kentucky senator slammed the president for his faux outrage.
Credit: AP/Molly Riley
Ousted IRS chief Steven Miller is sworn in on Capitol Hill Friday. Miller testified before the House Ways and Means Committee on the extra scrutiny the agency gave conservative groups applying for tax-exempt status.
Credit: AP/J. Scott Applewhite
Attorney General Eric Holder pauses as he testifies on Capitol Hill before the House Judiciary Committee Wednesday. Holder is under fire, among other things, for the Justice Department's gathering of phone records at the Associated Press.
Credit: AP/Carolyn Kaster
O.J. Simpson sits during an evidentiary hearing at Clark County District Court in Las Vegas, Nev., Thursday. Simpson, who is currently serving a nine-to-33-year sentence in state prison for armed robbery and kidnapping, is using a writ of habeas corpus to seek a new trial.
Credit: AP/Las Vegas Review-Journal/Jeff Scheid
Major Tom to ground control: On Sunday astronaut Chris Hadfield recorded the first music video from space, a cover of David Bowie's "Space Oddity."
Credit: AP/NASA/Chris Hadfield
When it rains it pours. President Barack Obama speaks during a news conference Thursday with Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan, inexplicably inspiring an #umbrellagate Twitter meme.
Credit: AP/Jacquelyn Martin
A smoke plume rises high above a road block at the intersection of County A and Ross Road east of Solon Springs, Wis., Tuesday. No injuries were reported, but the the wildfire caused evacuations across northwestern Wisconsin.
Credit: AP/The Duluth News-Tribune/Clint Austin
Recent Slide Shows
- 1 of 11