SALON

Thursday, Sep 1, 2011 12:30 PM UTC

Future attack lines from Mitt Romney, self-loathing Harvard elitist

The former Massachusetts governor sure hates those Ivy League career politicians, like himself

By

Topics: Mitt Romney, War Room, 2012 Elections, Harvard, Republican Party, Rick Perry,

Future attack lines from Mitt Romney, self-loathing Harvard elitist

Mitt Romney constantly attacks Harvard, because Harvard is where girly intellectual egghead elitists go to college, while Real Men are plowing tractors or whatever one does on farms, until it is time to Go Fight in the War.

This week, Romney gave a foreign policy speech to some veterans, and he really gave Harvard what-for:

Chastising those who may believe that if the United States recedes, so, too, will its enemies, Romney bashed what is often seen as a liberal bastion.

“That may be what they think in that Harvard faculty lounge, but it’s not what they know on the battlefield!” he told the vets.

Stupid Harvard!

Of course, the Boston Globe and everyone else who knows even the slightest bit of biographical information about Mitt Romney realized that the former governor of Massachusetts is a Harvard alum. He went to Harvard Business and Harvard Law Schools.

Some people say it is a bit “hypocritical” or “transparently, desperately pathetic” of Romney to align himself with those who hate our nation’s Ivy League elite, but it’s really not. You see, Mitt Romney is actually just incredibly self-loathing. He clearly hates himself.

More evidence: Did Mitt Romney seriously think calling Rick Perry a “career politician” wouldn’t remind people of Romney’s status as the son of a prominent politician who’s been running for offices on-and-off since 1994? Or does Mitt Romney simply hate the fact that he’s a useless Harvard-educated career politician instead of something useful?

I can imagine future Mitt Romney attack lines:

Massachusetts is awful At some point Mitt Romney will surely accuse the president of having “Massachusetts values,” because Americans everywhere know that Massachusetts is full of Harvard-educated billionaire liberal elites, like former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney.

Rich people are the worst “I am sick of one set of rules for a bunch of millionaire fat-cats and another set of rules for regular Americans,” millionaire Mitt Romney will surely say, in another “attack” on GOP rival Rick Perry that is actually a peek into the tortured interior monologue that keeps Mitt Romney up all night.

Private equity firms are evil Romney will most likely try to tie President Obama to reviled “bankers” who make vast fortunes liquidating companies and destroying quality middle-class and blue-collar jobs, much the same work Romney did at Bain Capital, the private equity firm he co-founded in 1984.

Former governors have no clue what they’re doing Another anti-Perry line I expect to hear from Romney soon is that governors make bad presidents, because they lack foreign policy experience and expertise on national issues. Romney, a former governor who lost his one race for the U.S. Senate, will look immaculately coiffed but utterly dead-eyed as he recites this line in a future debate.

The Olympics are stupid and should never be held in America It was foolish of President Obama to try to bring the Olympics to Chicago, because the Olympics are an expensive waste of time and probably also part of the United Nations plot to enslave us to their one-world bicycle government, an increasingly desperate Romney will say at some point in the not-too-distant future. Romney, whose signature achievement in public service — prior to establishing a healthcare system in Massachusetts now decried as socialism — was his careful management of the 2002 Salt Lake City Olympic Games, will then go home and burn his framed photo of himself carrying the Olympic Torch on the first day of the games and the last day he can remember knowing what it was to feel joy.

Mormons are creepy A shocking, last-minute Jon Huntsman surge leads Romney to call the respected former Utah governor a “creepy cult follower” for his membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, the faith Romney has been practicing his entire life. “Boy, Mormons, they don’t even drink coffee. What a bunch of nuts!” Romney will say, while carefully unbuttoning his shirt to show that he’s not wearing his sacred temple garments. “They’re all polygamists,” Romney will shout at a Tea Party rally. His sons will stop taking his calls.

I hate white people In order to win support from Barack Obama’s disillusioned liberal former supporters, Mitt Romney will announce that he will end the tyrannical supremacy of the evil white oppressors forever.

Alex Pareene

Alex Pareene writes about politics for Salon and is the author of "The Rude Guide to Mitt." Email him at apareene@salon.com and follow him on Twitter @pareene More Alex Pareene.

Next Article

Related Stories

More Related Stories

Featured Slide Shows

The week in 10 pics

close X
  • Share on Twitter
  • Share on Facebook
  • Thumbnails
  • Fullscreen
  • 1 of 11
  • Lisa Montgomery embraces her nephew Thursday after a tornado tore apart her home in Cleburne, Texas. The twister killed six people and destroyed entire swaths of the North Texas town.
    Credit: AP/LM Otero

  • Jack McMahon, the defense attorney for abortion doctor Kermit Gosnell, speaks outside the Criminal Justice Center in Philadelphia Tuesday. His client was convicted of killing three babies in his clinic, and will serve multiple life sentences.
    Credit: AP/Matt Rourke

  • A photo taken Monday captures Vice President Joe Biden's response to a Milwaukee second-grader's innovative proposal to end America's epidemic of gun violence. This guy!
    Credit: AP/Jenny Aicher

  • Sen. Rand Paul, R-Ky., flanked by a grouper-eyed Michele Bachmann, addresses the IRS' admission that it targeted Tea Party groups in advance of the 2012 election. In an op-ed for CNN Thursday, the Kentucky senator slammed the president for his faux outrage.
    Credit: AP/Molly Riley

  • Ousted IRS chief Steven Miller is sworn in on Capitol Hill Friday. Miller testified before the House Ways and Means Committee on the extra scrutiny the agency gave conservative groups applying for tax-exempt status.
    Credit: AP/J. Scott Applewhite

  • Attorney General Eric Holder pauses as he testifies on Capitol Hill before the House Judiciary Committee Wednesday. Holder is under fire, among other things, for the Justice Department's gathering of phone records at the Associated Press.
    Credit: AP/Carolyn Kaster

  • O.J. Simpson sits during an evidentiary hearing at Clark County District Court in Las Vegas, Nev., Thursday. Simpson, who is currently serving a nine-to-33-year sentence in state prison for armed robbery and kidnapping, is using a writ of habeas corpus to seek a new trial.
    Credit: AP/Las Vegas Review-Journal/Jeff Scheid

  • Major Tom to ground control: On Sunday astronaut Chris Hadfield recorded the first music video from space, a cover of David Bowie's "Space Oddity."
    Credit: AP/NASA/Chris Hadfield

  • When it rains it pours. President Barack Obama speaks during a news conference Thursday with Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan, inexplicably inspiring an #umbrellagate Twitter meme.
    Credit: AP/Jacquelyn Martin

  • A smoke plume rises high above a road block at the intersection of County A and Ross Road east of Solon Springs, Wis., Tuesday. No injuries were reported, but the the wildfire caused evacuations across northwestern Wisconsin.
    Credit: AP/The Duluth News-Tribune/Clint Austin

  • Recent Slide Shows

  • Share on Twitter
  • Share on Facebook
  • Thumbnails
  • Fullscreen
  • 1 of 11

Related Videos

Comments

 39 Comments

Comment Preview

Your name will appear as username

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href=""> <b> <em> <strong> <i> <blockquote>

follow salon

Most Read

Popular on Reddit

links from salon.com

From Around the Web

Presented by Scribol
listener_new_rect The Listener: Chekhov's story mirrors Russia's own

Recommendations