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Wednesday, Nov 2, 2011 11:59 PM UTC

This is sexual harassment!

Allegations of improper conduct have roiled Herman Cain's campaign. An award-winning writer imagines the scene

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Topics: Satire,

This is sexual harassment!

“These incidents include conversations allegedly filled with innuendo or personal questions of a sexually suggestive nature, taking place at hotels during conferences, at other officially sanctioned restaurant association events and at the association’s offices. There were also descriptions of physical gestures that were not overtly sexual but that made women who experienced or witnessed them uncomfortable and that they regarded as improper in a professional relationship.” – Politico, Oct. 30

“She was in my office one day, and I made a gesture saying — and I was standing close to her — and I made a gesture – you are the same height as my wife.  And brought my hand — didn’t touch her — up to my chin saying, ‘You’re the same height as my wife, because my wife comes up to my chin.’ …  And that was put in [the complaint] as something that made her uncomfortable.”
–Herman Cain to Fox News’ Greta Van Susteren, Oct. 31

Herman Cain invites a female employee of the National Restaurant Association into his office.

CAIN: This is Herman Cain!

WOMAN: I know. You’re the CEO of our association.

CAIN: You are [NAME WITHHELD]!

WOMAN: Right. We’ve met before.

CAIN: Just wanted to make that clear and exclamatory! This is a formal introduction! Anyway, I’d like to discuss with you the ins and outs of my 6-9 plan. I hope we can come to a mutually oral agreement.

WOMAN: Your 6-9 plan? Mutually oral? That’s disgusting. When the Association hears about this —

CAIN: No, you misunderstand me. It would tax restaurant bills at 6 percent and other sales taxes would be 9 percent — it’s a boon for our industry. And by “mutually oral agreement,” I simply meant there’s no need for written contracts, especially not ones longer than three pages.

WOMAN: Oh, well, fine.

CAIN: You look like you’re the same size down there [gestures toward her midsection] as my wife. Super-tight.

WOMAN: Excuse me?! I’m going to call my lawyer and —

CAIN: You didn’t let me finish. That’s the sizing system we use at Godfather’s Pizza for our pies: super-tight, loose-as-a-goose, and stretched-taffy-like. It’s like Starbucks, with grande and venti. I think you could stomach a super-tight pie, just like my wife.

WOMAN: All right. In that case —

CAIN: With extra-thick sausage, an artfully arrayed pearl onion “necklace,” two juicy beefsteak tomatoes, and drizzled with a special creamy white sauce.

WOMAN: Absolutely not! This innuendo is completely unprofessional.

CAIN: Those are our toppings for our “War Orphans Charity Pizza.” Are you saying you don’t support charity for war orphans?

WOMAN: No, it’s not that, I … OK, fine, I’ll take it.

CAIN: So you’ll willingly swallow my — I use the word “my,” because I own the ingredients — extra-thick sausage and sweet white sauce, and you don’t mind if the pearl onion necklace accidentally gets smeared across your chest or the beefsteak tomatoes miss your mouth and rest on your chin? Great.

WOMAN: I … I guess so.

CAIN: To confirm, I’ll slide my extra-thick sausage into your lubricated (with olive oil) super-tight oven — we like to designate our ovens as our individual customers’ to give them a sense of ownership — and, just before I pull it out, I’ll shoot some of my milky white sauce inside.

WOMAN: I suppose what you’ve said is technically accurate, but something about it feels funny.

CAIN: Of course — I forgot the free hot tea and complimentary crunchy breadstick!  Nothing goes with pizza like tea-bagging and wolfing down a hard stick.

WOMAN: You are a repellent man. I will not “wolf down your hard stick.”

CAIN: If you’re worried about gagging and choking because my stick is so big and stiff, we’ve got a Heimlich maneuver poster up in all our restaurants. I’d just stand behind you, reach around your body, and push with force until we’ve cleared the obstruction.

WOMAN: You’re doing it again, you’re saying things that out of context could be perceived as innocuous, but your tone —

CAIN: OK, so under absolutely no circumstances would you ever want me to get behind you, give you a reach-around, and push hard until your previously blocked orifice opened up and became accessible for my hard stick?

WOMAN: I suppose there are certain circumstances, but the way you’re describing it is grounds for sexual harassment of an employee.

CAIN: Harassment of an employee? Why, when you’re at Godfather’s Pizza, we treat you like you’re one of da family. Just think of me as your “godfather” — the man whose knee you would sit upon as he bounces you up and down while you girlishly giggle with joy and pleasure.

WOMAN: I’ve had enough. This has nothing to do with business.

CAIN: Wrong again. We’ve just struck an inter-franchise partnership with Long John Silver’s. To finalize the deal, they’re sending a gentleman over who is their new mascot, along with three of his young female assistants, all hardcore lesbians — truly devoted to their native Greek island. Hope you like eating fish!

Teddy Wayne is the author of the novels "Kapitoil" and "The Love Song of Jonny Valentine." More Teddy Wayne.

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