Unsure

Dear Unsure,

You may have thought and read about conflicts of interest and imbalances of power but are you ready to find, in the agonizing grip of an affair, a visceral unhappiness unlike anything you have ever known? Can you handle wanting to scream or grab a crowbar while also wanting to weep and beg forgiveness?

Are you ready to find yourself, as if living in a pre-feminist era, driven to a gradual, crippling compromise by your desire for some man who for all his fine words still seems to secretly enjoy unassailable privilege? Are you ready to be emptying ashtrays and making tea and realize, holy shit! You secretly expected his prestige and power to rub off on you but nothing has really changed! Are you ready to realize you allowed yourself to indulge in some 19th-century claptrap and did it with your eyes open and your finger on the page in this book right here where it says women are powerful and things have changed and you control your own destiny, which is sort of true in lots of ways except for the ones that really matter?

Except where actual privilege lives its actual life?

Actual privilege is nice and attractive. It just doesn’t have much of a heart.

I’m not saying be a good girl and never act on your impulses. And I’m not setting it up for I Told You So And Now Don’t Come Crying to Me or some such. I’m saying, do some research on him. Does he have a girlfriend? Is he married? Does he spend time with lots of students, or mainly with his peers? Watch him. Study him.

You are vulnerable here. Maybe you are capable of handling this. But maybe not. It wouldn’t be the first time someone thought she knew what she was doing.

So do some courageous self-assessment. Share your dilemma with your women friends. Don’t just walk in there with your eyes shut and open up for him. Power and privilege still break women’s hearts and psychotherapy is expensive especially if you didn’t get that tenure-track job even though he promised to go to bat for you in the committee and now that you think about it, weirdly enough, he didn’t really support you as energetically as you thought he would.

I mean, Are you ready to want what you didn’t think you wanted, and want it more strongly than you thought you could want anything, and then find out that no matter how much you want it you’re never going to get it because somebody else already took it and she wears weird eye shadow?

That is what happens when your lust is only a thin covering over a deeper, global longing that you don’t even know you have until after it’s driven you crazy.

Are you ready to realize that you’re the one who said all these empowered, knowing, independent-sounding words and now all you want is for this man to just stay right here and not go teach his next class while you embody your desire in the form of another cup of green tea and an omelet, which he consumes but does not appear to taste, and when you ask him a question about his work he waves it away as if it were not phrased properly and when you see him with other students, you notice a pretty young woman student who has this adoring look on her face that seems eerily familiar …

And if it comes to that will you be able to accept that he has another young student who finds him as irresistible as you do and he may be seeing her tonight, and he may lie to you about it or not tell you anything, or disappear for weeks at a time with no notice, or break a date with you without warning or explanation, or suddenly seem distant and petty and not at all interested in you and what you have to say, or become critical of you and your life choices or not want to meet your friends and family or find fault with your apartment, which is too small, or the color of your toenails, which is too bright, all of which makes you scream at him but you don’t because you don’t want him to see your juvenile, screamer-bitch side, which you only so recently thought you’d completely left behind.

Because you are a graduate student at a distinguished university and it wouldn’t be right …  after he fails to show up yet again and you are left sitting at the bar wondering why you didn’t heed the warning signs.

You could have read about this in a book. You don’t have to actually fall off a cliff to know why it’s good to stand back from the edge.

Maybe you are very tough and self-reliant and just want an adventure. I don’t know you. But if you are so tough and self-reliant, why are you sharing this with me?

I think you know there is something dangerous about this and what you really need is for someone to say, Slow down. Examine your motives. Examine your hungers. What are you really looking for?

Recently, we were tipped off through the school PTO grapevine that she has a criminal record and is an addict, and that stories about her have appeared in the town paper, and also that she has been banned from volunteering in the school because of this.

I didn’t believe it, but asked a librarian if there was a way to find out. The librarian gave me a link to a criminal records database for our state. All I had to do was type in her name. A long list of arrests came up for both the baby sitter and her spouse. Most were driving without a license or marijuana possession. Two were for domestic violence. I called our police station to ask if I could find out more about someone’s arrest on a domestic violence charge. I explained I wanted to know if a rumor about our baby sitter is true. The police gave me a copy of one of the domestic violence case documents. The date was just over a year ago.

It’s pretty bad: She and her husband were beating each other up in front of their kids, blood was spattering all over the kids’ toys, they were swearing at each other. The mug shot was awful. I guess mug shots usually are, but she doesn’t look at all like the person I know. I mean, it’s definitely her, but she has a weird look in her eyes.

This is as far as I got with what to do: I am not comfortable having her as a baby sitter. Whether that’s right or wrong, I am OK with my decision. I know some people might focus on her kindness and think she has moved on from her troubles, especially since there’s no record of arrests within the year.

I got halfway to this: I am ethically required to tell the people I recommended her as a baby sitter to about this. (I’ve told some of them, but only the ones I trust to not gossip.) Do I need to tell everyone?

I am completely stuck on this: Should I tell her what I know? Would she want to know? Or would it just be rude and unnecessarily confrontational of me to bring it up? She still thinks we are friends. And I guess we are. But I have stopped asking her to baby-sit (obviously) and also have stopped asking her for medical advice. I never reach out to her anymore. She is a nice person. She is kind and smart. Her arrests are from over a year ago. Should I, as her friend, let her know that the PTO grapevine is sharing her criminal record info with the rest of the town?

Thank you for reading and considering my question. I value your advice!

Need a New Sitter

Dear Need a New Sitter,

When you ask your daughter where she picked up that new vocabulary and she says, “It’s prison lingo, Mom,” it makes you feel kinda funny inside.

So I completely understand your decision to stop using this baby sitter.

There’s just something about the person who’s making sandwiches in the kitchen while your kids are watching TV that doesn’t go with “mug shot.”

Generally, when I find out somebody has an arrest record, I give them the benefit of the doubt.

But parents are funny. They’re really touchy about who tucks their kids in at night. While they’re out having dinner, they like to imagine some clean-scrubbed honors student doing her homework on the couch while the kids are watching TV or tucked into nice, clean, warm beds.

So yeah, sad as it is, I think you gotta be the snitch. You got to drop a dime on this character.

You gotta tell. Seriously. You may be depriving this person of work, but hey.

The Buddhists say we ought to seek our right livelihood. Baby sitter isn’t the right livelihood for this person.

Nobody loves a snitch. But your reputation would suffer more if it came to light that you knew about this and didn’t tell anyone. It’s like you’re endangering their kids. So tell.

Domestic violence is a definite no-no for baby sitters. Sure, she’s innocent until proven guilty. But a baby sitter can’t afford to even get arrested for such a thing. It’s a well-understood professional liability and a common-sense deal-breaker. She should find a new line of work that’s not “domestic” anything.

Fast forward to a year later, several weeks before our wedding, and she discovered my sextings with strangers are still going on despite my promises and was close to calling off the wedding. However, due to Asian societal values (the losing of face), as well as days of coaxing, I managed to once again convince her that I can and am willing to change and to carry on with the wedding. And here we are today, six months after the wedding and she has yet again discovered another of my attempts to contact an online stranger and I am afraid that this is the straw that will break the camel’s back.

I know my actions have caused so much hurt and pain. I know I am an evil person for all the lies and deceit, and there have been many. I know that I do not deserve her at all. Yet, at the same time, I know I am not happy doing this, I do not seek out strangers in order to find a new partner, and that I love her very much and will never, ever leave her. Speaking to the psychologist, we have identified that I have issues stemming from my childhood and family that trigger my actions and I act on these triggers in order to quell these issues. In addition to that, I have anger and attitude issues stemming from childhood and family that have also affected our relationship significantly. I know this does not discount my actions and it is not an excuse. The second time she found out about my actions, the psychologist recommended me to enroll in a sex addiction rehab clinic but I felt the costs were too high and sort of talked my way out of it. She accepted it and life went on. Looking back, I know I didn’t take it too seriously, thinking that these actions were really controllable. Maybe they were.

Today, she has moved out to a hotel, all alone in a foreign country with no one to really console her as she is too embarrassed to confide these things to her family members. She has lost all trust in me and I have ruined her life and possibly scarred her fragile heart permanently. She is adamant to continue on her life alone now by studying for her masters in the U.S. and getting on with life after that without me. She does not believe I can change, both in my sexual addiction, and more importantly she does not believe I can conquer my anger and attitude problem. I myself do not know if I can change but I truly want to change and I will try my best to do so. I believe I should’ve gone for more intensive counseling and to the sex addiction rehab clinic the moment the psychologist recommended it. I also know that I feel like this each time I get caught and once everything smoothens out and she comes back to me, I get overconfident and fall back into the vicious cycle.

I love her very much but she has said that it is now too late and that I will never change and she wants to leave, but at the same time she misses me and she loves me too. I am now so very confused in regards to what I should do. Do I set her free and end her torture, or do I fight for her love and do everything I possibly can and treat all issues I have with clinical and psychological help, which I should’ve done from Day 1, and start rebuilding a better future for the both of us?

I really hope I can receive your timely advice.

p.s. I have already decided to enroll in the sex rehab clinic and anger management courses regardless of her decision.

Sext Addict

Dear Sext Addict,

You are doing the right thing by signing up for the rehab regardless of what your wife does.

She may come back or she may not. In recovery, it’s important to put your recovery first. Actually, putting your recovery first can be a revolutionary step. It can shift how you see life.

You are not an evil person. You are a person with a problem. There are many ways to describe the problem — as a disease, as a compulsion, as a maladjustment — but the important thing is that it is a behavior that can change; it does not have to rule your life and your life does not have to fall apart and you do not have to go through every day worrying when it will come back.

When you are addicted to something, you will keep doing it in spite of the consequences and this will make you feel like a terrible person. Until you face your addiction and make a fundamental change, the cycle continues. When you face your addiction for yourself, things start to change. You have noticed this already. You have begun to learn.

Your wife may come back. Or she may not. You probably hope that she comes back but you can prepare for life either way. The main thing is, you can get your life back. It may not be the life you thought it would be but it is a good life.

So throw yourself into the process of recovery! When your rehab ends, join an ongoing sex addiction recovery group. Continuing recovery after rehab is like eating well, working out and keeping the house clean. You don’t just eat once. You eat every day. You don’t just clean the house once. You clean it regularly. Recovery from an addiction is like that: It’s a regular thing.

Is there a good free group available to you? Ask your advisor in the rehab. As you can see from this website, the group Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous does have meetings all over the world, as well as online and telephone meetings.

So that’s my advice: Do the rehab, connect with others like yourself and stay close to the program. If your wife comes back, do not assume everything is fixed. Continue to put your recovery first, no matter what. You have a new life ahead of you.

So, now it’s many years later, and I still have not “figured it out.” After several jobs, mostly in the same field, my career, frankly, sucks. Many of the people around me have become wealthy, most of my friends have now been in their chosen professions for a handful of years (I still struggle with making it over the two-year mark) and are seeing success, and plenty of my peers and contacts are at least “locally famous.” So what the hell is my problem? Am I dumb?

I have always wanted success and money, but never figured out how to get it. I work, yet I hate (loathe, despise, all of the applicable synonyms) it. Not just the job, but work. I feel unsatisfied, a bit hopeless about achieving the material trappings I would like to have, and have a bit of green-eyed envy when I see how well so many (not-so-smart) people have done. I’ve spent my life afraid of repeating my parents’ existence — two very smart people who have struggled, hated their own jobs, and never had the proverbial pot to p*ss in. I hated growing up that way, but now feel doomed to repeat it!

I realize this letter sounds a bit like a tale of keeping up with the Joneses. It’s not the real problem. What I wonder is, am I dumber than everyone else? How do people reconcile expectations and reality? And, when you feel this uninspired and hopeless in your work life, what do you do? Is there a happy ending or have I gotten stupid?

Thanks, Cary. I welcome any thoughts you may have … I only hope I’m not too brain dead to understand them.

Where Did My Potential Go?

Dear Where Did My Potential Go,

There is a fundamental question at the heart of this, and it has to do with how you conceive of yourself and what might make you happy. So I’m going to suggest — and this is only experimental — that you begin thinking about all the things you like, that make you happy right now. What do you enjoy today? Where would you be right now if you were happy, and what would you be doing? If a fantasy arises, go with it. Ask yourself what you want right now. Allow yourself to experience, in your mind, whatever it is that you want. Where do you see yourself? Are you alone in a room? Are you with someone else? Are you on a stage, in a car? Is there a crowd there, cheering you on? What country are you in? Is it daytime or nighttime? What are you wearing?

Think of times in the past when you have been happy. What were you doing? What was the source of your happiness? If one of your happiest times was when you were with a boyfriend at the beach, and you knew that he loved you, and it was a particular beach, and you had eaten a particular meal or seen a particular movie or had just done something particularly pleasurable, relive it. Identify all the parts of it that you enjoyed. Carry it around with you in your heart for a few days. Just let it percolate. Let it suffuse your body, all these memories of happiness and pleasure. Let them live in your body. Look for correspondences as you go through your day. If you were wearing a certain dress of a certain fabric on that day, see if you notice any dresses like that in the windows or on the streets or on the bodies of your co-workers. Do you still have those clothes? Do you like them? Have you worn them in a long time? Take them out and try them on.

As I say, this is an experiment. The object of it is to push you toward a conception of yourself not as someone who must function at a certain level to attain a certain level of satisfaction, but as a distinct individual with likes and dislikes the attainment of which will satisfy you.

You may think you want a fast car and a high salary. Maybe you do. But what I am asking is, What has actually made you happy in the past? Were you skiing? Were you drinking? Were you lying in the sun? Were you competing? Were you singing? Were you making love? What has made you happy?

You have a vast emotional memory. You have many desires. The fulfillment of desires is one way to approach happiness.

Of course, the Buddhists will tell us that desire is infinite and eventually our attempts to fulfill all our desires just result in endless quest to fulfill endless desires.

But fulfilling your desires is a start.

Have some ice cream.

Also, as to the job thing, a couple of thoughts. Think back to what you studied in school and ask yourself what parts of that you enjoyed. It’s possible that you studied something in school that you enjoyed, but now you are only doing that in an approximate way. For instance, liberal arts majors often end up in sort-of-approximate jobs. Like if you studied art maybe what you enjoyed was actually making art but you end up in some cubicle talking about art but that’s not what made you happy. What made you happy was being in the studio.

Things like that happen. Maybe you liked being at the beach so you end up in a cubicle talking to people about the beach but that doesn’t make you happy because it’s not talking to people that makes you happy, it’s being at the beach.

So that’s my suggestion to you: Forget all this success crap. Go directly to what makes you happy. Let the job eventually follow.

As to how your parents can be really smart but not good with money, and all the pain and frustration that can cause, I like the book “Rich Dad, Poor Dad.” It talks about that. Very smart people sometimes don’t understand money. My parents were like that, too. Having a practical understanding of money and its place in your life is important, so I like books like that and like “Your Money or Your Life,” too. Because it’s not about the money per se, or how much of it you are paid or can accumulate. It’s about your relationship to money.

I REALLY like this girl, and I don’t want my feelings to ruin my relationship with HER by making it awkward between us if she knows. And I really don’t want my feelings to ruin my relationship with my best friend if he’s not OK with me liking this girl (that is, when I tell him, if she likes me?). I really can’t tell anybody about this because everyone I know isn’t trustworthy besides her and my best friend, but they can’t know because it involves them. I feel like I’m going crazy. So I guess my real question to you is do I tell her about my feelings and risk ruining my relationship with her? Or do I keep it to myself and forever regret it?

Sincerely,

High School Guy

Dear High School Guy,

I think the right thing to do is to tell her. But tell her in a way that doesn’t ruin the relationship. In fact, you can tell her in a way that makes it possible for the relationship to grow stronger, no matter what happens.

The friendship doesn’t have to end. Whatever she says, you and she can go through this episode in your friendship together.

Before you say anything to her, you will want to think it through. You might want to write some things down and say them out loud beforehand, to see how it feels to say these things. You might even read out loud what you want to say to her. You decide. Decide how you want to tell her. Then find a good time and place where you and she can be alone for a while.

Then say something like this:

I have something I want to tell you, but before I do, I want you to know that I value our friendship a great deal, and no matter what happens, I want our friendship to continue. OK?

Don’t blurt it out. Make sure she understands that you really mean it, that her friendship means a lot to you and that you are serious and don’t want to screw this up. Be straight with her:

I know that you value me as a friend. I value you for a friend. But my feelings for you have grown into more than just friendship. I have feelings for you like for a girlfriend.

Pause to see what she says. If she says nothing, you might ask her: Are you surprised? Did you have an idea I might feel this way?

She might say that she’s had some clues, or has thought it might be going on. She might be relieved to be able to talk about it. Or she might not know what to say.

Since you already know that she doesn’t like “clingy” guys, reassure her that you are not “clingy.” But tell her that you really do have  feelings for her, and ask her what her feelings are for you. Ask her directly. Ask her to be honest.

Then just listen.

If she doesn’t feel that way, she may want to spare your feelings by saying what a great guy you are, and she really likes you, etc. If the words coming out of her mouth sound kind and sweet but you feel let down, then she’s telling you she really doesn’t feel that way.

I don’t mean to insult your intelligence, but our wishes can sometimes distort what we hear. If you’re at all unclear, ask her to tell you point blank, yes or no, does she want to be your girlfriend. It’s important that you know where you stand.

She might say she isn’t sure, or can’t explain how she feels. If she says anything other than she wants to be your girlfriend, she probably doesn’t, and you should accept that she doesn’t feel that way toward you.

Now here is the other part of it. If she does not want to be your girlfriend, that’s OK. But you really do want a girlfriend. If it’s not going to be her, then it’s going to be someone else.

So sooner or later, you might want to ask her how she would feel if she saw you going out with someone. Ask her if she would still be your friend then. Ask her if she thinks if you had a girlfriend that your girlfriend might get jealous of your friendship.

Again, tell her that no matter what happens, she will still be your friend.

As to your guy friend, well, I’m not sure what the rules are. The important thing is to be honest and upfront with him. If she becomes your girlfriend, he will obviously know. He may not like it but one hopes you and he could still be friends. Being honest with him doesn’t mean telling him everything that might hurt his feelings. For instance, it doesn’t mean telling him she thought he was “clingy.” Know what I mean? Follow your best judgment on this.

I have high hopes for you, for her, and for your friend. Friendship is precious. You can work it out.