SALON

Tuesday, Sep 25, 2012 9:27 PM UTC

8 reasons Crystal the monkey is better than you

The simian star of NBC's "Animal Practice" is better at life than the rest of us

By

Topics: tv show, monkey, animal practice, Comedy, NBC, sitcom, ,

8 reasons Crystal the monkey is better than you (Credit: Steffen Foerster Photography)

Crystal is the capuchin monkey who is going to save NBC with the comedy “Animal Practice.” Here are 8 reasons, quoted from Benjamin Wallace’s article in New York, that she’ll be able to do what neither you nor any other human can:

1. She has more money than you:

“Crystal reportedly earns $12,000 per episode of “Animal Practice,” and she is a presence in every one, whether cheering on an illicit turtle race (a guinea pig riding on each turtle’s back) or crawling inside and animating a puppet to haunt a ­puppet-phobe. ”

2. She can do more tricks than you:

“Over the years, Crystal has built up a repertoire of tricks, ranging from leaping like a pogo stick to pretending to smoke a cigarette.”

3. She is more charismatic than you:

During rehearsals and between takes, idle crew and extras stand around watching, transfixed by her—Crystal exudes bona fide showstopping, head-turning, magnetic star power. (One crew member, gazing helplessly at her, murmurs that she’s “mesmerizing. Every time I walk by her I can’t not look at her. It’s crazy.”)

4. She can poop on Robin Williams, and he has to put up with it:

“He overacts like crazy. If he made those faces as a human, we’d be like, ‘What’s he on?’ Plus, what human can [defecate] on you in the middle of a scene and people would be like ‘Awww, great’?” (Williams may “have been confused about Crystal’s gender, possibly because she can play both male and female.”)

5. She is coy:

“Play hard to get,’ [her trainer] says. ‘Seriously. If you’re trying to solicit her attention in the beginning, she’s going to shy away from you, like, What are your intentions? But if you just play it cool, like she’s not even there … within five to ten minutes, she’ll be on you.”

6. She is better rested than you:

“Crystal sleeps at least eight hours a night.”

7. Even when she’s bored, she’s more active than you:

“She is standing on the lap of her trainer and moving from one of his knees to the other, over and over, while making occasional high-pitched tee-tee-tee sounds. She seems anxious, but Gunderson says she’s probably just bored.”

8. She has a more impressive resume than you:

“At 18, Crystal has an IMDb page longer and, though it’s curiously incomplete, more hit-studded than most actors three times her age. You may have seen her in American Pie, 3:10 to Yuma, Dr. Dolittle, Zookeeper, or We Bought a Zoo. “We feel this is Crystal’s breakthrough performance,” said Zoo director Cameron Crowe. “It is her Carnal Knowledge. The role brings out colors we have yet to see.”
Prachi Gupta

Prachi Gupta is an Assistant News Editor for Salon, focusing on pop culture. Follow her on Twitter at @prachigu or email her at pgupta@salon.com. More Prachi Gupta.

Next Article

You Might Also Like

More Related Stories

Featured Slide Shows

Gripping photos: The people of the Turkey protests (slideshow)

close X
  • Share on Twitter
  • Share on Facebook
  • Thumbnails
  • Fullscreen
  • 1 of 11
  • The protests take on a festive element as police forces move out of the park and square. Wearing a gas mask, this young man dances to traditional Turkish music in front of Taksim Square’s Ataturk Monument.

  • In Gezi Park since March 31st, this protester, originally caught off-guard by the Government’s teargas and water cannons, went out and bought a Russian army mask from WWII, preparing for what was to come.

  • This rambunctious boy seems to be enjoying the chaos. After taking this picture he threw a stone at the already destroyed building in the background.

  • Forming a line, the police face off directly with protesters in Taksim Square. After a while, they retreated and there was a general cheer – a back-and-forth dance that has been common since the beginning of this protest.

  • An elderly woman in Gezi Park reads the news. The tent community occupying the park was violently destroyed on June 16th.

  • Many different groups had set up booths to promote their cause in Taksim Square and Gezi Park. Standing in front of one, this man waves his flag while posing with conviction.

  • Many home-remedies are used to minimize the effects of tear gas. This woman has put a milky solution on her face, removing her mask after the tear gas dissipated. Before sunrise, the police came again for another round of teargasing.

  • People capitalize on the uprising -- selling flags, beer, gas masks, sky lanterns and spray paint to name just a few of the popular items.

  • On Monday morning, June 11, the police execute a strong offensive. Many plain-clothed police officers, like the ones seen here, clash with protesters in the side streets away from the main stand-off in Taksim.

  • The authorities seem to be most aggressive in the night, pushing protesters away from the square and park. After being teargassed this young woman catches her breath with other protesters on Siraselviler Street.

  • Recent Slide Shows

  • Share on Twitter
  • Share on Facebook
  • Thumbnails
  • Fullscreen
  • 1 of 11

Related Videos

More Related Stories

Comments

 2 Comments

Comment Preview

Your name will appear as username ( settings | log out )

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href=""> <b> <em> <strong> <i> <blockquote>

follow salon

Most Read

Video of the Day

Watch More Here »

Popular on Reddit

links from salon.com

From Around the Web

Presented by Scribol
listener_new_rect The Listener: "We Are All Completely Beside Ourselves": Growing up primate

Recommendations