SALON

Tuesday, Dec 11, 2012 1:00 AM UTC

I say too much too soon

People ask me questions and I tell them everything

By

Topics: Since You Asked, friendship, Social Life, Conversation, Privacy,

I say too much too soon (Credit: Zach Trenholm/Salon)

Hello Cary,

I did it again yesterday and I’m so disappointed in myself. My problem is I answer people’s questions about myself without being able to stop, reflect and decide if it really is any of their business. It doesn’t matter how personal the question is, you’re guaranteed an answer from me. It isn’t until I’m no longer in the situation that I gather my wits and realize the damage I’ve done to myself. These people have no right to this info.

I practice things to say to deflect the questions such as: Why do you ask? But, in the heat of the moment, I forget. I also understand that this lack of self-protection stems from no boundaries being allowed in my childhood. But I’m not a child anymore and I really must stop vomiting out this info.

The holidays are coming up and I will be around some pushy people who always ask questions that I would never dream of asking another. I need some strategies I can practice (although that doesn’t seem to work). So I don’t know what to do.

Your guidance would be appreciated.

Don’t ask — Don’t tell

Dear Don’t Ask …

Just because a question is asked doesn’t mean it has to be answered. Some questions are best left hanging, like decorations in the air.

If in the past you were not given the opportunity to decide whether to answer questions or not, and perhaps more broadly whether to accede to commands and wishes, whether appropriate or not, this is a great opportunity for you to begin strengthening your ability to just say no, to have boundaries. Here are some sample phrases to begin with, a  starter kit for resisting pesky interrogation:

You can say, Pardon me, that’s way, way too personal.
You can say, I think I’m going to go into the backyard now and file my nails.
You can say, Nah, ain’t going there.
You can say, When I was a kid I loved backgammon.
You can say, I’ve had a hard life but I’ve learned that people yearn to be free.
You can say, Even under torture I will not reveal certain things.
You can say, We’ll have to get to know each other a lot better before I start telling you stuff like that.
You can say, Sorry, the judge has instructed us not to talk about that.
You can say, I could tell you that but then I’d have to kill you.

People say that last one a lot. I wonder why.

I like directness. To me, it’s perfectly OK to say that you’d rather not talk about something. I do realize that I am at a generational remove from you, and perhaps at some socioeconomic and cultural remove as well, and that what is just normal directness for me may seem aggressive to you. But I like directness. I like to be able to say that there are some things I don’t wish to talk about, and I don’t mind asking if we can change the subject. I don’t see what’s wrong with that.

Here is an idea. Maybe you really need to talk about some of these things and that’s the reason they’re coming out randomly or in moments of stress. If so, find somebody to talk to about these things. Talk about them until you don’t feel a need to talk about them anymore. Then, when somebody asks you about it, you can say, with relief, that you’ve talked about it so much you’re all done talking about it.

Remember: You don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to talk about. Silence is OK, too.

Cary Tennis

Cary Tennis writes Salon's advice column and leads writing workshops and retreats.

  • Send me a letter! Ask for advice!
    • Letter writers please note: By sending a letter to advice@salon.com, you are giving Salon permission to publish it. Once you submit it, it may not be possible to rescind it. So be sure.
Writing Workshop in Amsterdam More Cary Tennis.

Next Article

Related Stories

More Related Stories

Featured Slide Shows

The week in 10 pics

close X
  • Share on Twitter
  • Share on Facebook
  • Thumbnails
  • Fullscreen
  • 1 of 11
  • Lisa Montgomery embraces her nephew Thursday after a tornado tore apart her home in Cleburne, Texas. The twister killed six people and destroyed entire swaths of the North Texas town.
    Credit: AP/LM Otero

  • Jack McMahon, the defense attorney for abortion doctor Kermit Gosnell, speaks outside the Criminal Justice Center in Philadelphia Tuesday. His client was convicted of killing three babies in his clinic, and will serve multiple life sentences.
    Credit: AP/Matt Rourke

  • A photo taken Monday captures Vice President Joe Biden's response to a Milwaukee second-grader's innovative proposal to end America's epidemic of gun violence. This guy!
    Credit: AP/Jenny Aicher

  • Sen. Rand Paul, R-Ky., flanked by a grouper-eyed Michele Bachmann, addresses the IRS' admission that it targeted Tea Party groups in advance of the 2012 election. In an op-ed for CNN Thursday, the Kentucky senator slammed the president for his faux outrage.
    Credit: AP/Molly Riley

  • Ousted IRS chief Steven Miller is sworn in on Capitol Hill Friday. Miller testified before the House Ways and Means Committee on the extra scrutiny the agency gave conservative groups applying for tax-exempt status.
    Credit: AP/J. Scott Applewhite

  • Attorney General Eric Holder pauses as he testifies on Capitol Hill before the House Judiciary Committee Wednesday. Holder is under fire, among other things, for the Justice Department's gathering of phone records at the Associated Press.
    Credit: AP/Carolyn Kaster

  • O.J. Simpson sits during an evidentiary hearing at Clark County District Court in Las Vegas, Nev., Thursday. Simpson, who is currently serving a nine-to-33-year sentence in state prison for armed robbery and kidnapping, is using a writ of habeas corpus to seek a new trial.
    Credit: AP/Las Vegas Review-Journal/Jeff Scheid

  • Major Tom to ground control: On Sunday astronaut Chris Hadfield recorded the first music video from space, a cover of David Bowie's "Space Oddity."
    Credit: AP/NASA/Chris Hadfield

  • When it rains it pours. President Barack Obama speaks during a news conference Thursday with Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan, inexplicably inspiring an #umbrellagate Twitter meme.
    Credit: AP/Jacquelyn Martin

  • A smoke plume rises high above a road block at the intersection of County A and Ross Road east of Solon Springs, Wis., Tuesday. No injuries were reported, but the the wildfire caused evacuations across northwestern Wisconsin.
    Credit: AP/The Duluth News-Tribune/Clint Austin

  • Recent Slide Shows

  • Share on Twitter
  • Share on Facebook
  • Thumbnails
  • Fullscreen
  • 1 of 11

Related Videos

Comments

 13 Comments

Comment Preview

Your name will appear as username

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href=""> <b> <em> <strong> <i> <blockquote>

follow salon

Most Read

Popular on Reddit

links from salon.com

From Around the Web

Presented by Scribol
listener_new_rect The Listener: So long, Sookie Stackhouse

Recommendations