SALON

Thursday, Jan 17, 2013 8:00 PM UTC

Julie Klausner dated horrible men so that you don’t have to

A darkly comic memoir by the hilarious writer/podcaster reflects on her pursuit of love in all the wrong places

By

Topics: Books, Audiobooks, The Listener, audible, julie klausner, i don't care about your band, McSweeney's, podcasts, Memoir, humor,

Julie Klausner dated horrible men so that you don't have to (Credit: Shutterstock/Salon/Benjamin Wheelock)

Julie Klausner is very funny, and although it’s possible to escape into the things she’s made (her work writing for high cotton venues such as the New York Times and McSweeney’s, her work for television and the stage, and, notably, her “How Was Your Week?” podcast), there’s no need to check your brain at the door. Every comic inflation, every easy sex joke, every wry understatement is animated by a restless intelligence and a writerly instinct that wrings new life from the old tropes.

As a straight married man who has never spent any time as a straight single woman looking for love, I approached “I Don’t Care About Your Band,” Klausner’s darkly comic memoir of dating, as a kind of dispatch from a secret and enticing land.

Among the things I learned while listening:

  1. A “friend with benefits” is like a unicorn that shits cupcakes: Fun to imagine, but not actually real.
  2. A guy claiming he’s entitled to a three-way with two women is like a chubby kid demanding frosting on his Snickers bar.
  3. Men are way more likely to become more appealing to you over time than they are to magically grow manners.
  4. Try to avoid dating rock stars. Also, try to avoid dating artists, writers, members of improv comedy troupes, and anyone else whose quest for stardom supersedes the quest for love.
  5. Crazy people are good for writing great fiction in the Southern Gothic tradition, knitting outfits for their pet chickens, boosting sales of Purell and tin foil, shooting presidents, and providing otherwise reasonably functional people with crazy sex.

You may have noticed that this is the kind of writing that is made to be delivered in person to an audience, and Klausner has achieved an audience of sufficient size that she could certainly have assumed that a large portion of her readership would automatically wed the sentences to their preexisting memories of her confident and often ironic vocal inflections.

Fortunately, this isn’t necessary for those who are listening to the audiobook, because Klausner is her own narrator. And she is a splendid narrator, chatty and companionable. Her delivery seems less performed than confided by a friend.

Unlike many memoirists, Klausner’s candor isn’t in service of ideas of victimhood or self-aggrandizement. Her aim (heavily disguised, perhaps, by all the joking) seems to be more than occasionally literary. The book’s exoskeleton is a more-or-less chronological account of her experiences with love, sex and dating. But often these episodes serve as a lens through which we might also be engaged in a little cultural criticism here, a little feminist pushback there. (The dueling epigraphs at the front of each section — Pauline Kael versus Daddy Warbucks, Joan Didion versus “Sex Tips for Girls” — offer one clue to the intentionality of this tension.) Along the way, we also get an old-fashioned coming-of-age story, copious analysis of the bad romantic advice too often offered to women by other women, and not a little complaint about the preponderance of “guys” and the relative scarcity of “men.”

That’s not to say that Klausner is so highbrow as to avoid prurience. She loves it, wallows in it, shakes it in the reader’s face, and there are a few moments in the book that seem calculated simply to cross the reader’s boundaries in a manner not entirely different from the shock-and-gross-out tactics of writers such as Tucker Max and Chad Kultgen, or of Kevin Smith, about whom Klausner offers a mid-book complaint.

What distinguishes her work from theirs is that, ultimately, what is privileged in “I Don’t Care About Your Band” isn’t a fantasy version of sex and love and power, but, rather, an attempt to offer something real, in all its ugliness, but also in all its fragile beauty. For a comic writer, this represents a tremendous risk, because it’s often more difficult to get the laugh when you’re also trying to offer up the experience in its fullness of complication. And it’s true that Klausner doesn’t always succeed on both counts. But it is not a modest achievement that she succeeds often enough to bring the listener pleasure from both directions.

*   *   *

New to Audible? Listen to “I Don’t Care About Your Band” for free, or check out a sample.

Kyle Minor

Kyle Minor is the author of "In the Devil’s Territory," a collection of stories and novellas, and the winner of the 2012 Iowa Review Prize for Short Fiction. His second collection of stories, "Praying Drunk," will be published in February 2014. More Kyle Minor.

You Might Also Like

More Related Stories

Featured Slide Shows

7 motorist-friendly camping sites

close X
  • Share on Twitter
  • Share on Facebook
  • Thumbnails
  • Fullscreen
  • 1 of 9

Sponsored Post

  • White River National Forest via Lower Crystal Lake, Colorado
    For those OK with the mainstream, White River Forest welcomes more than 10 million visitors a year, making it the most-visited recreation forest in the nation. But don’t hate it for being beautiful; it’s got substance, too. The forest boasts 8 wilderness areas, 2,500 miles of trail, 1,900 miles of winding service system roads, and 12 ski resorts (should your snow shredders fit the trunk space). If ice isn’t your thing: take the tire-friendly Flat Tops Trail Scenic Byway — 82 miles connecting the towns of Meeker and Yampa, half of which is unpaved for you road rebels.
    fs.usda.gov/whiteriveryou


    Image credit: Getty

  • Chattahoochee-Oconee National Forest via Noontootla Creek, Georgia
    Boasting 10 wildernesses, 430 miles of trail and 1,367 miles of trout-filled stream, this Georgia forest is hailed as a camper’s paradise. Try driving the Ridge and Valley Scenic Byway, which saw Civil War battles fought. If the tall peaks make your engine tremble, opt for the relatively flat Oconee National Forest, which offers smaller hills and an easy trail to the ghost town of Scull Shoals. Scaredy-cats can opt for John’s Mountain Overlook, which leads to twin waterfalls for the sensitive sightseer in you.
    fs.usda.gov/conf


    Image credit: flickr/chattoconeenf

  • Nordhouse Dunes Wilderness Area via Green Road, Michigan
    The only national forest in Lower Michigan, the Huron-Mainstee spans nearly 1 million acres of public land. Outside the requisite lush habitat for fish and wildlife on display, the Nordhouse Dunes Wilderness Area is among the biggest hooks for visitors: offering beach camping with shores pounded by big, cerulean surf. Splash in some rum and you just might think you were in the Caribbean.
    fs.usda.gov/hmnf


    Image credit: umich.edu

  • Canaan Mountain via Backcountry Canaan Loop Road, West Virginia
    A favorite hailed by outdoorsman and author Johnny Molloy as some of the best high-country car camping sites anywhere in the country, you don’t have to go far to get away. Travel 20 miles west of Dolly Sods (among the busiest in the East) to find the Canaan Backcountry (for more quiet and peace). Those willing to leave the car for a bit and foot it would be remiss to neglect day-hiking the White Rim Rocks, Table Rock Overlook, or the rim at Blackwater River Gorge.
    fs.usda.gov/mnf


    Image credit: Getty

  • Mt. Rogers NRA via Hurricane Creek Road, North Carolina
    Most know it as the highest country they’ll see from North Carolina to New Hampshire. What they may not know? Car campers can get the same grand experience for less hassle. Drop the 50-pound backpacks and take the highway to the high country by stopping anywhere on the twisting (hence the name) Hurricane Road for access to a 15-mile loop that boasts the best of the grassy balds. It’s the road less travelled, and the high one, at that.
    fs.usda.gov/gwj


    Image credit: wikipedia.org

  • Long Key State Park via the Overseas Highway, Florida
    Hiking can get old; sometimes you’d rather paddle. For a weekend getaway of the coastal variety and quieter version of the Florida Keys that’s no less luxe, stick your head in the sand (and ocean, if snorkeling’s your thing) at any of Long Key’s 60 sites. Canoes and kayaks are aplenty, as are the hot showers and electric power source amenities. Think of it as the getaway from the typical getaway.
    floridastateparks.org/longkey/default.cfm


    Image credit: floridastateparks.org

  • Grand Canyon National Park via Crazy Jug Point, Arizona
    You didn’t think we’d neglect one of the world’s most famous national parks, did you? Nor would we dare lead you astray with one of the busiest parts of the park. With the Colorado River still within view of this cliff-edge site, Crazy Jug is a carside camper’s refuge from the troops of tourists. Find easy access to the Bill Hall Trail less than a mile from camp, and descend to get a peek at the volcanic Mt. Trumbull. (Fear not: It’s about as active as your typical lazy Sunday in front of the tube, if not more peaceful.)
    fs.usda.gov/kaibab


    Image credit: flickr/Irish Typepad

  • As the go-to (weekend) getaway car for fiscally conscious field trips with friends, the 2013 MINI Convertible is your campground racer of choice, allowing you and up to three of your co-pilots to take in all the beauty of nature high and low. And with a fuel efficiency that won’t leave you in the latter, you won’t have to worry about being left stranded (or awkwardly asking to go halfsies on gas expenses).


    Image credit: miniusa.com

  • Recent Slide Shows

  • Share on Twitter
  • Share on Facebook
  • Thumbnails
  • Fullscreen
  • 1 of 9

Related Videos

Comments

 3 Comments

Comment Preview

Your name will appear as username ( settings | log out )

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href=""> <b> <em> <strong> <i> <blockquote>

follow salon

Most Read

Popular on Reddit

links from salon.com

vote
Let's Stop Screwing Around and Impeach James Clapper: After lying to Congress about all the different ways the NSA's spying on us, Director of National Intelligence James Clapper lies about how he lied. Call the White House at 202 456-1111 and Tell Obama to Get Rid of Clapper
147 points148 points | 10 comments
vote
Machiavelli doesn’t belong to the 1 percent | "The Prince" is oft-quoted on Wall Street, but its author was a hero of the working class who despised elites
73 points74 points | 23 comments
vote
Let's Stop Screwing Around and Impeach James Clapper: After lying to Congress about all the different ways the NSA's spying on us, Director of National Intelligence James Clapper lies about how he lied. Call the White House at 202 456-1111 and Tell Obama to Get Rid of Clapper
77 points78 points | 12 comments
vote
We must hate our children
61 points62 points | 11 comments
vote
Machiavelli doesn’t belong to the 1 percent | "The Prince" is oft-quoted on Wall Street, but its author was a hero of the working class who despised elites
54 points55 points | 16 comments

From Around the Web

Presented by Scribol
listener_new_rect The Listener: "The Joker": Laughing at life's deepest sorrows