SALON

Tuesday, Mar 5, 2013 12:22 PM UTC

What other athletes might make U.S. ambassadors?

Dennis Rodman is still raving about his trip to North Korea -- and wants Obama to make peace with Kim Jong Un

By

Topics: From the Wires, Associated Press, dennis rodman, North Korea, aol_on, ,

What other athletes might make U.S. ambassadors? (Credit: AP/Kyodo News)

They’re officially best friends now, and maybe it really will last forever. Together, the nose ring-wearing, cross-dressing former basketball star and the North Korean strongman — er, boy — just might change the world.

I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

They were certainly a pair of crazy, fun loving guys during their time together in Pyongyang last week. Dennis Rodman showed Kim Jong Un some of the finer points of basketball, and the North Korean ruler was so impressed he raided the country’s stock of fine food and drink for a party that lasted well into the night.

“Guess what, I love him,” the clearly smitten Rodman said. “The guy’s really awesome.”

So is Rodman, if only because becoming a diplomat without portfolio got him back in the limelight once again without having to put on a wedding dress. Let the rest of the cast on “All-Star Celebrity Apprentice” draw up plans for tasty meatballs. Rodman has far bigger things to do.

He wants President Barack Obama to give Kim a call and sort things out. Kim’s a busy man, what with hosting basketball games and tending to his country’s nuclear ambitions.

Imagine, though, if others follow his path. Here’s what they might have to say after their own trips to the Hermit Kingdom:

LANCE ARMSTRONG: Really enjoyed my time with Kim Jong Un, never thought that he’d have a yellow bracelet just like mine. Not sure what his stands for, and the interpreter said I probably shouldn’t ask. Anyway, we rode bikes on the banks of the Taedong River, shared some ice cream and watched a million schoolgirls dance in formation for us. All great fun from a guy I know would never ever try to annihilate the United States with nuclear weapons. Did I make myself clear? They’re strictly for peaceful purposes, maybe to show off if someone special comes to town. I don’t know if they’re even real because, believe me, North Korea has been tested many, many times and always has come up negative for plutonium. If you dare question that, my new buddy has some friends I’d like to acquaint you with.

TIGER WOODS: I couldn’t wait until the moment my Gulfstream 5 touched down in Pyongyang. The Kimster was waiting, of course, and we quickly changed into golf shoes and headed to the Dear Leader Country Club and Uranium Enrichment Facility. I couldn’t believe how this guy played, and this was without any lessons at all. Pure natural ability like I’ve never seen before, even in myself. Birdied every hole for a 54, and never missed a putt. The most incredible thing was his caddie said he shoots it every time! And wait until you see his collection of green Mao jackets. Stunning. Man, I wish the U.S. and North Korea would establish diplomatic relations. Imagine the Kimster at Augusta, winning the green jacket every year. I’m sure the people running the place would love it, just like they did when I first won there.

DONALD TRUMP: Look up awesome in any dictionary and you’ll see a picture of Kim Jong Un’s hair. Right next to mine, of course.

KOBE BRYANT: If there’s one thing I took away from my trip to the People’s Republic of Korea is how great their national basketball team is going to be now that Kim has taken over as player-coach. I guarantee they’ll not only qualify for the playoffs, but win an Olympic gold. These guys can absolutely ball, and every time Kim gets the rock in his hands no one can guard him. Actually, no one tries to guard him, for some reason.

MIKE PIAZZA: The thing that really struck me on my visit with Comrade Kim was how uplifting and inspirational he really is. The Worm was right, the people love him. They really do. I thought it was pretty cool getting my picture on the big scoreboard at Shea Stadium, but his picture is even bigger and it’s everywhere! Guy looks buff, too, like he’s on something, though we all know better. The best thing, though, was there were no nasty announcers like Vin Scully trying to drag him down and turn the people against him. Makes me wish I had played my whole career in North Korea, and not just because Roger Clemens has never been there. I wouldn’t even need to learn karate to fight Clemens because I would have Comrade Kim there to help.

MIKE TYSON: And to think I always thought it was Don King who was godlike. Mr. Kim is the real knockout, and should be wearing all my belts. The best thing about going to Pyongyang? I did my one man show for one man.

RAY LEWIS: My teammates, my brothers, my friends. They’re all believers in what’s being done by the top guy in Pyongyang. How could they not be, when Kim Jong Un is ruling in all his glory? I’d take a bullet for the guy, and so would my teammates. We’re together as one, true believers ready to win the big one for the Big Un. I can’t believe the guy’s only 28 or something and already the leader of the not-so-free world. And you’d be amazed what they’re doing in sports medicine there. You think deer antler spray is good stuff? Wait until you try musk deer gland, now available in both powder and liquid forms. I’m telling you, it’s like magic. What I can’t understand is why all those North Korean soccer players were suspended for using the stuff. I got to play in the Super Bowl, didn’t I?

____

Tim Dahlberg is a national sports columnist for The Associated Press. Write to him at tdahlberg(at)ap.org or http://twitter.com/timdahlberg

More Tim Dahlberg.

Next Article

Related Stories

More Related Stories

Featured Slide Shows

The week in 10 pics

close X
  • Share on Twitter
  • Share on Facebook
  • Thumbnails
  • Fullscreen
  • 1 of 11
  • Lisa Montgomery embraces her nephew Thursday after a tornado tore apart her home in Cleburne, Texas. The twister killed six people and destroyed entire swaths of the North Texas town.
    Credit: AP/LM Otero

  • Jack McMahon, the defense attorney for abortion doctor Kermit Gosnell, speaks outside the Criminal Justice Center in Philadelphia Tuesday. His client was convicted of killing three babies in his clinic, and will serve multiple life sentences.
    Credit: AP/Matt Rourke

  • A photo taken Monday captures Vice President Joe Biden's response to a Milwaukee second-grader's innovative proposal to end America's epidemic of gun violence. This guy!
    Credit: AP/Jenny Aicher

  • Sen. Rand Paul, R-Ky., flanked by a grouper-eyed Michele Bachmann, addresses the IRS' admission that it targeted Tea Party groups in advance of the 2012 election. In an op-ed for CNN Thursday, the Kentucky senator slammed the president for his faux outrage.
    Credit: AP/Molly Riley

  • Ousted IRS chief Steven Miller is sworn in on Capitol Hill Friday. Miller testified before the House Ways and Means Committee on the extra scrutiny the agency gave conservative groups applying for tax-exempt status.
    Credit: AP/J. Scott Applewhite

  • Attorney General Eric Holder pauses as he testifies on Capitol Hill before the House Judiciary Committee Wednesday. Holder is under fire, among other things, for the Justice Department's gathering of phone records at the Associated Press.
    Credit: AP/Carolyn Kaster

  • O.J. Simpson sits during an evidentiary hearing at Clark County District Court in Las Vegas, Nev., Thursday. Simpson, who is currently serving a nine-to-33-year sentence in state prison for armed robbery and kidnapping, is using a writ of habeas corpus to seek a new trial.
    Credit: AP/Las Vegas Review-Journal/Jeff Scheid

  • Major Tom to ground control: On Sunday astronaut Chris Hadfield recorded the first music video from space, a cover of David Bowie's "Space Oddity."
    Credit: AP/NASA/Chris Hadfield

  • When it rains it pours. President Barack Obama speaks during a news conference Thursday with Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan, inexplicably inspiring an #umbrellagate Twitter meme.
    Credit: AP/Jacquelyn Martin

  • A smoke plume rises high above a road block at the intersection of County A and Ross Road east of Solon Springs, Wis., Tuesday. No injuries were reported, but the the wildfire caused evacuations across northwestern Wisconsin.
    Credit: AP/The Duluth News-Tribune/Clint Austin

  • Recent Slide Shows

  • Share on Twitter
  • Share on Facebook
  • Thumbnails
  • Fullscreen
  • 1 of 11

Related Videos

Comments

 2 Comments

Comment Preview

Your name will appear as username

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href=""> <b> <em> <strong> <i> <blockquote>

follow salon

Most Read

Popular on Reddit

links from salon.com

vote
Paul Krugman’s right: Austerity kills. "In an economy where we’re all in the same boat, one person’s spending is another person’s income. So when the government cuts spending, it reduces people’s income, leading to less business, more unemployment, and a vicious spiral of slowing down the economy."
352 points353 points | 306 comments
vote
FBI reportedly joins Bachmann campaign finance probe
271 points272 points | 24 comments
vote
Jon Karl makes things worse: He regrets “inaccurate” Benghazi email but says his story based on it “still entirely stands.” Really. ABC News?
228 points229 points | 32 comments
vote
Austerity Kills: Brian McArdle, a 57-year-old man who had had two strokes and could barely walk, was found "fit for work" by a government subcontractor, and had his benefits stopped. He died the next day.
112 points113 points | 12 comments
vote
“Jodorowsky’s Dune”: The sci-fi classic that never was.
85 points86 points | 16 comments

From Around the Web

Presented by Scribol
listener_new_rect The Listener: So long, Sookie Stackhouse

Recommendations