SALON

Wednesday, Apr 10, 2013 12:00 AM UTC

Should I offer to help?

My nephew lost his job. If I give him money, will it hurt his pride?

By

Topics: Since You Asked, Money, Family, Employment, Unemployment, Finances,

Should I offer to help? (Credit: Zach Trenholm/Salon)

Dear Cary,

My nephew just lost his job, the second time in two years. He held his first job for almost 20 years and then in 2011 his company cut back. He got a second job, but this has not worked out. I was also unemployed in 2011. My nephew offered me financial assistance and he was the only family member who did. Fortunately, I did not have to take anything from him. I would like to help him now by giving him a check for $5,000 to help him get through this — but will I be hurting his pride? Should I just stay out of it?

Generous but Sensitive

Dear Generous but Sensitive,

Was your pride hurt when he offered to help you? It sounds like you felt grateful — and surprised that he was the only one in the family who offered. Perhaps he will feel as you did.

Why didn’t the rest of the family offer to help you? Were they thinking, “Oh, don’t offer to help, it’s a matter of pride”? A lot of good that did.

So offer to help. Offer to help and if you are refused then find little ways to help anyway. Find things you can do. It may be that a lump sum of $5,000 is not needed yet, but let him know the money is available if he needs it.

Are you wondering what to say? Just say that you remember how much it meant to you when he offered to help you, and that you are now doing the same thing.

What kind of pride would be hurt by a loving offer of help? What kind of pride is that? It that a good kind of pride? Or is it pride based on illusion?

What kind of illusion? It is the illusion that nothing bad will ever happen and that we are perfectly fine. It is the illusion that we can handle everything on our own. It is the illusion that we are so capable, so competent, so special and so lucky that we could never lose a job. It is the illusion that no matter what global transformation is taking place in the economy it will not touch us. It is the illusion that our company will save us, that we are so valuable to the company that no matter what happens, our job will be safe.

The kind of pride that rests on such illusions is best lost, and the sooner the better.

What I would wish for your nephew is the kind of pride that allows him to say that yes, he lost his job, and yes it was painful, and yes, he knows it wasn’t about him, and he is grateful that he has people around him who will offer to help.

Cary Tennis

Cary Tennis writes Salon's advice column and leads writing workshops and retreats.

  • Send me a letter! Ask for advice!
    • Letter writers please note: By sending a letter to advice@salon.com, you are giving Salon permission to publish it. Once you submit it, it may not be possible to rescind it. So be sure.
Summer in Tuscany Writing Retreat More Cary Tennis.

Next Article

Related Stories

More Related Stories

Featured Slide Shows

The week in 10 pics

close X
  • Share on Twitter
  • Share on Facebook
  • Thumbnails
  • Fullscreen
  • 1 of 11
  • This photo. President Barack Obama has a laugh during the unveiling of the George W. Bush Presidential Center in Dallas, Tx., Thursday. Former first lady Barbara Bush, who candidly admitted this week we've had enough Bushes in the White House, is unamused.
    Reuters/Jason Reed

  • Rescue workers converge Wednesday in Savar, Bangladesh, where the collapse of a garment building killed more than 300. Factory owners had ignored police orders to vacate the work site the day before.
    AP/A.M. Ahad

  • Police gather Wednesday at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology to honor campus officer Sean Collier, who was allegedly killed in a shootout with the Boston Marathon bombing suspects last week.
    AP/Elise Amendola

  • Police tape closes the site of a car bomb that targeted the French embassy in Libya Tuesday. The explosion wounded two French guards and caused extensive damage to Tripoli's upscale al-Andalus neighborhood.
    AP/Abdul Majeed Forjani

  • Protestors rage outside the residence of Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh Sunday following the rape of a 5-year-old girl in New Delhi. The girl was allegedly kidnapped and tortured before being abandoned in a locked room for two days.
    AP/Manish Swarup

  • Clarksville, Mo., residents sit in a life boat Monday after a Mississippi River flooding, the 13th worst on record.
    AP/Jeff Roberson

  • Workers pause Wednesday for a memorial service at the site of the West, Tx., fertilizer plant explosion, which killed 14 people and left a crater more than 90 feet wide.
    AP/The San Antonio Express-News, Tom Reel

  • Aerial footage of the devastation following a 7.0 magnitude earthquake in China's Sichuan province last Saturday. At least 180 people were killed and as many as 11,000 injured in the quake.
    AP/Liu Yinghua

  • On Wednesday, Hazmat-suited federal authorities search a martial arts studio in Tupelo, Miss., once operated by Everett Dutschke, the newest lead in the increasingly twisty ricin case. Last week, President Barack Obama, Sen. Roger Wicker, R.-Miss., and a Mississippi judge were each sent letters laced with the deadly poison.
    AP/Rogelio V. Solis

  • The lighting of Freedom Hall at the George W. Bush Presidential Center Thursday is celebrated with (what else but) red, white and blue fireworks.
    AP/David J. Phillip

  • Recent Slide Shows

  • Share on Twitter
  • Share on Facebook
  • Thumbnails
  • Fullscreen
  • 1 of 11

Related Videos

Comments

 13 Comments

Comment Preview

Your name will appear as username

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href=""> <b> <em> <strong> <i> <blockquote>

follow salon

Most Read

Popular on Reddit

links from salon.com

vote
Would we give up burgers to stop climate change? New study suggests if we reduce our intake of animal products by 25%, we can halt climate change
748 points749 points | 342 comments
vote
Facebook has been used to find ex-lovers, childhood BFFs or the one who got away. He used it to find the guy who, without his consent, made him his drug mule.
250 points251 points | 23 comments
vote
“This could be a career ender for Michele Bachmann”
149 points150 points | 65 comments
vote
Poll: 3 in 10 voters say “armed revolution might be necessary” - 29% say they believe they'll have to act "in order to protect our liberties" in the next few years
47 points48 points | 16 comments
vote
"New evidence reveals big banks still illegally foreclosing on thousands of homes – and weak settlement allows it."
27 points28 points | comment

From Around the Web

Presented by Scribol
listener_new_rect The Listener: "The Shelter Cycle": Raised in a cult

Recommendations