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Thursday, Apr 25, 2013 12:00 AM UTC

He called me a slut but I want him

We were non-monogamous and happy until we had bad sex. Now he doesn't want to do it at all

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Topics: Since You Asked, Sex, Graduate School, grad students, monogamy, relationships, Partners, dating, boyfriends, age differences,

He called me a slut but I want him (Credit: Zach Trenholm/Salon)

Hey Cary,

I am 20, for the past year I have been in an on-again, off-again sexual relationship with a grad student at my university who is six years my senior; let’s call him X. Most recently, X and I have been on-again, and he is going to graduate from his program in a few weeks. X told me he didn’t want anything exclusive, so I have been with several other guys at the same time I have been with him. The problem is, X doesn’t want to have sex again. The last time we did it, it frankly sucked; neither of us was properly aroused, and the next day I texted him to say that it would be better the next time, and he replied that he was sure it would be. There hasn’t been a next time, and it is really bothering me because X has been willing to run errands for me and even hang out with me and my best friend, but he has spurned all my advances, saying things like, “You don’t even need me, you get so many guys.” I resent that, Cary; I especially resent it because he most recently told me that I was “by far the sluttiest” out of the 13 women he has been with in his life. I don’t understand why he suddenly lost interest in me sexually, yet is still willing to do me favors and text me every day. I asked him point-blank, “Are you sick of me?” and he told me he was. He says it isn’t because I have been with other guys besides him, but I don’t see what else it could be. It’s incredibly frustrating because I can have sex with other guys, but I want him one more time. Do you have any ideas why somebody would just lose sexual interest all of a sudden? Do you think he could be insecure because I am so openly sexual and the women in his past were not?

Sincerely,

Unrequited Lust

Dear Unrequited Lust,

Sure. Absolutely. It could be that he is insecure. He could be punishing you in his own self-defeating way. He could feel hurt. For him to say the things he said, it sounds like he is mad at you and can’t yet go back to the way things were. He might need a few weeks. He may have emotional needs that are tied to his sexual feelings. He may want to be closer to you and to have some sense that you feel some loyalty to him, or have some special consideration for him. Of course. People feel these things, and these things influence their sexual attractions and performance. He might need something from you that he doesn’t know how to say or describe. He might be feeling certain things about his impending graduation as well. There could be a million things on his mind. Plus there is the six-year age difference, which can be significant. Things may be just a bit more complicated for him than they are for you. Give it some time. Back off and just let things go along as they are for a while. Maybe he will get over his hurt feelings after a few weeks and you will get your one last dance.

Cary Tennis

Cary Tennis writes Salon's advice column and leads writing workshops and retreats.

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