SALON

Friday, Jun 14, 2013 12:00 AM UTC

I’m 18 and angry!

I hate my life! Plus I'm gay!

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Topics: Since You Asked, teenager, Teenagers, anger, therapy, gay men, gay teens,

I'm 18 and angry! (Credit: Zach Trenholm/Salon)

Cary.

Hello. I am 18 and I hate my life. I’m dead living in flesh. I have a lot of sex with people but I never get what I actually want or who I fall for. I only smoke weed, watch some videos and sleep. I am very very very angry with everyone, for no reason. Well, actually, some reasons maybe. I am gay. I don’t know what else. I am very indecisive and no motivation what so ever.

18 and Angry

Dear 18 and Angry,

You are going to be loved. You will get what you want in life. You don’t have to do anything about that right this minute. For now, just accept that it is true. Your feelings of anger are going to pass. You will be loved for who you are.

Now here is what I want you to do.

Sit quietly. If you are on the street find a place to sit. If you are with a group of friends, go to another room and do this. Sit quietly. Look around you. See what is around you. If you are inside, see what is in the room. Take a minute to do this. Notice all the things in the room. Notice what color they are, what they are made of. If you are outside, notice the things around you, the plants, the sky.

Notice what you are wearing, how it feels, what shoes you have on, what pants. Notice the texture of your pants. Notice your collar, where it touches your neck. Notice your ears.

Wait a minute. What time is it? Do you have an appointment? Do you have to go? Can you keep reading? If you don’t have to go anywhere, then keep sitting. Just stay still.

Take a deep breath. Breathe in and out and take note of the objects around you. Notice the quality of light on the walls and in the air. Take note of your posture. Are you hunched over? Are your muscles clenched? Are you fidgeting?

Take note of your hands. Are your hands clenched into fists? Open your hands. Let the fingers stretch out and unclench. Are your shoulders hunched up? Let your shoulders fall. Stretch out your arms. Hold them out and let the tension and anger go out of your arms.

Now. Get a piece of paper and write down the things you are angry about. If you are angry at your friend, put that friend’s name there. Write down why you are angry at that friend, what that friend did to you or to someone else. Make a list. List everything you are angry about.

Are you angry at your parents? Put that down. Are you angry at a teacher, or a friend, or someone you had sex with? Put that down on the list. Write whatever comes into your mind when you think about being angry.

This may take a while. You may feel tired afterward. When you have made your list, fold it up and put it in your pocket and take a nap.

Do this again tomorrow.

OK, now for 30 days I want you to smoke no weed and just make lists. Tired of making anger lists? OK. Make dream lists. What do you want? What are your dreams? Make lists. Picture all your dreams. Write them down. Imagine them. Cut out pictures from magazines that represent your dreams. Close your eyes and imagine the things you dream of, the things you want.

Do this every day for a month. Take note of where you are. Breathe. Make your list. Get up at the same time every day. Eat breakfast. Eat lunch. Eat dinner. Smoke no weed. Breathe slowly and regularly. Speak softly and carefully. Work out. Swim or run. Smoke no weed.

You are going to be just fine. You don’t need to smoke weed. Listen to your breathing.

If after one month of sleeping well and getting up at the same time and eating breakfast and not smoking weed and making a list every day of all the people you are angry at and why, and all the things you dream of, if you are less angry, then keep doing these things. See if things keep getting better. Continue not smoking weed. Continue breathing. Continue making your list of everyone you are angry at and everything else that makes you angry, and all the things you dream of and all the things you want.

Worry about tomorrow tomorrow.

Just do these things today. Do them for a month.

What is going on inside you is going to pass. I think you are going to feel better.

Maybe you can’t do these things. You may need some help. Maybe you can’t stop smoking weed. You might need help with that. Maybe you can’t sit still and breathe. Maybe you can’t stop the angry thoughts. Then you might need some help. If after one month of not smoking weed and sleeping well and eating three meals and getting up at the same time, if you are still just as angry as you were when you wrote to me, contact a therapist.

You don’t have to live like this. You don’t have to be unhappy. You can change. It might be easy or it might be hard. You might be able to do it alone or you might need help. But you can do it. You can change. You can be happy and get what you want.

Cary Tennis

Cary Tennis writes Salon's advice column and leads writing workshops and retreats.

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