2014's fast food atrocities
Burger King's black cheeseburger: Made with squid ink and bamboo charcoal, arguably a symbol of meat's destructive effect on the planet. Only available in Japan.
“O say can you see by the dawn’s early light/What so proudly we hailed at the twilight’s last gleaming?” — Francis Scott Key, “The Star-Spangled Banner”
“I hopped off the plane at LAX with a dream and a cardigan” – Miley Cyrus, “Party in the USA”
Question: Which of the above two lyrics is more representative of the American experience? If you answered the latter (or if you think it’s basically a toss-up), you should probably head over to the White House petition site We the People, where a group of like-minded individuals are campaigning to have Key’s stirring account of the Battle of Fort McHenry during the War of 1812 replaced with Cyrus’ stirring account of gyrating atop a pickup truck to Jay-Z.
At of 3:00 this afternoon, the petition, “Make ‘Party in the USA’ our national anthem,” has 610 signatures, which is 99,390 shy of its official goal (patriotic Cyrus fans need not fret — the deadline for the petition is Aug. 1, 2013). Filed under the categories “Arts and Humanities,” “Firearms” and “Human Rights,” the petition entreats President Obama to officially replace the anthem, adding, “It is what is best for this country.”
So get cracking, Smilers. To paraphrase John F. Kennedy, now is the time not to ask what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country. And the best thing you can do for your country right now is not rally for stricter gun laws or increased regulation of greenhouse gas emissions, but to lend your John Hancock to an initiative advocating for a 4-year-old pop song to become the national anthem. God bless America.
Domino's Specialty Chicken: It's like regular pizza, except instead of a crust, there's fried chicken. The company's marketing officer calls it "one of the most creative, innovative menu items we have ever had” -- brain power put to good use.
KFC'S ZINGER DOUBLE DOWN KING: A sandwich made by adding a burger patty to the infamous chicken-instead-of-buns creation can only be described using all caps. NO BUN ALL MEAT. Only available in South Korea.
Taco Bell's Waffle Taco: It took two years for Taco Bell to develop this waffle folded in the shape of a taco, the stand-out star of its new breakfast menu.
Krispy Kreme Triple Cheeseburger: Only attendees at the San Diego County Fair were given the opportunity to taste the official version of this donut-hamburger-heart attack combo. The rest of America has reasonable odds of not dropping dead tomorrow.
Taco Bell's Quesarito: A burrito wrapped in a quesadilla inside an enigma. Quarantined to one store in Oklahoma City.