I’m keeping up with the news these days because all these important things are going on that really affect my life, like, for instance, Wonder Bread is back.
But that’s not all. That’s just the tip of the iceberg. This guy, this football player, lost the tip of his finger! And didn’t know it! Which, you know, when you’re busy sometimes you will lose a finger and not notice right away. And then you have to be down hands and knees under the desk looking looking, looking, oh wow, here it is, it was IN MY GLOVE ALL THE TIME! Damn. So that was a whole story I had no idea about until I looked at CNN. Now I am checking inside my glove in case there is a finger in there I forgot.
Not only that. This couple was getting married and the priest suddenly spoke sternly to the photographer. If you don’t believe me just look here on CNN! I couldn’t believe it either at first but then I got used to the idea and felt tired and vaguely unhappy.
But when I woke up everything was still here just the way it had been except there were More Stories I Might Have Missed If Not For CNN’s In Case You Missed It Story Roundup Of Stories which I had missed somehow. Like about the Transgender Homecoming Queen, which, seriously, is nothing to laugh about. I absolutely loved this story and not just because I am a moron, either, but because I have feelings, deep feelings, about people who have been mistreated. And all I’m saying is isn’t it great that CNN will do something about that and isn’t it great that CNN is actually hiring a new transgender news person to replace Jake Tapper? Not really, I just made that up just for fun! Because Jake Tapper of CNN is clearly a man of the people and he would surely agree with me that:
TRAILER PARK SHAMING IS BAD!!!
So then my warm feelings about the Transgender Homecoming Queen were short-lived because I got all outraged and upset by Miss South Carolina’s mobile-home joke not because what she said was so bad but because people made her go and apologize about it. Like it’s so shameful to live in a trailer? Because what is wrong with a state having 20 percent (or 17.9 percent according to Colbert) of its homes be mobile homes? What is wrong with living in a friggin’ mobile home? A double-wide? Even a single-wide? It sounds to me like the Establishment is looking down on people who live in mobile homes and making them feel ashamed. So I would like to come out against trailer park shaming. It’s as bad as any other kind of shaming and I wish that Miss South Carolina had come out and just said that living in a trailer is a great way to live and anybody who has a problem with that can eat her sash.
But she didn’t. She caved in as if she’d said something terrible, which she didn’t, not really, not in my O-PIN-YUN! She could have said other things, too, that would have been way funnier!
So. I learned a lot today. I learned a heck of a lot! Thank you, America! I love you!
p.s. I want more Twitter followers! Seriously, I do!