2014's fast food atrocities
Burger King's black cheeseburger: Made with squid ink and bamboo charcoal, arguably a symbol of meat's destructive effect on the planet. Only available in Japan.
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, the politico with a terrible photographer, a terrible tie and, oops, a terrible habit of smoking crack cocaine (but only in “a drunken stupor”), is having a terrible day. But that’s not going to stop Mayor Rob Ford because Mayor Rob Ford was “elected to do a job and that’s exactly what I’m going to continue doing.”
“Yes, I have smoked crack cocaine but … am I an addict? No. Have I tried it? Probably in one of my drunken stupors, probably approximately about a year ago,” Ford said in a press conference Tuesday morning, months after Gawker claimed to have seen footage of the mayor smoking crack. By Tuesday afternoon, Rob Ford wanted people to get over that news already, because, come on, people. “For the sake of the taxpayers of this great city, for the sake of the taxpayers, we must get back to work immediately,” said Ford, who announced plans to run for reelection.
Rob Ford, 12:15PM: "I have smoked crack cocaine" Rob Ford, 4:30PM: For the sake of the city, we have to stop talking about me smoking crack— Judd Legum (@JuddLegum) November 5, 2013
But if Twitter is any indication, it’s not that easy to move on:
First, there’s the 15-year-old NFL tie Rob Ford decided to wear at his press conference:
Debunking Rob Ford's tie: - Oilers, no longer a team - Broncos, old logo - Bucs, old Bucco Bruce logo pic.twitter.com/HBjsxlZy4D— Mike Hayes (@michaelhayes) November 5, 2013
rob ford on ebay late at night checking his saved NFL VINTAGE TIES search, hitting the pipe and reloading every 15 minutes— max read (@max_read) November 5, 2013
Which you can now buy on eBay:
You can buy the Rob Ford tie for just $15 on eBay http://t.co/Sms8DZOZDk— Steve Kovach (@stevekovach) November 5, 2013
There’s also the whole question of how extensive and real his drug problem is:
"I was so drunk I don't remember if I smoked crack cocaine" is a good, but maybe not great, excuse. #robford— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) November 5, 2013
False alarm, guys. The video of Rob Ford smoking crack is just an old episode of Degrassi.— rachel lichtman (@DJRotaryRachel) November 5, 2013
That Rob Ford speech is legitimately what alcoholics recount later, once they've gotten sober, as the worst lies they told— #conтenт rεηεgαdε (@Bro_Pair) November 5, 2013
And it doesn’t help that his press conference is a spectacle in and of itself:
Obviously Rob Ford's 4:20 press conference is where he removes his mask to show that he's actually Andy Kaufman.— Philip Bump (@pbump) November 5, 2013
It looks like the mosh pit for Rush's Signals tour '82-83 outside Rob Ford's office right now pic.twitter.com/oVn6niVAeu— Mike Hayes (@michaelhayes) November 5, 2013
But if the mayor isn’t reelected, it’s good to know that he’s still got some other options:
Rob Ford is such an audacious, bumbling fool he would never be a mayor in America. He would be president.— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) November 5, 2013
Rob Ford will be in a van down by the river.— Josh Greenman (@joshgreenman) November 5, 2013
Best of luck to you, Rob Ford!
Prachi Gupta is an Assistant News Editor for Salon, focusing on pop culture. Follow her on Twitter at @prachigu or email her at email@example.com.More Prachi Gupta.
Domino's Specialty Chicken: It's like regular pizza, except instead of a crust, there's fried chicken. The company's marketing officer calls it "one of the most creative, innovative menu items we have ever had” -- brain power put to good use.
KFC'S ZINGER DOUBLE DOWN KING: A sandwich made by adding a burger patty to the infamous chicken-instead-of-buns creation can only be described using all caps. NO BUN ALL MEAT. Only available in South Korea.
Taco Bell's Waffle Taco: It took two years for Taco Bell to develop this waffle folded in the shape of a taco, the stand-out star of its new breakfast menu.
Krispy Kreme Triple Cheeseburger: Only attendees at the San Diego County Fair were given the opportunity to taste the official version of this donut-hamburger-heart attack combo. The rest of America has reasonable odds of not dropping dead tomorrow.
Taco Bell's Quesarito: A burrito wrapped in a quesadilla inside an enigma. Quarantined to one store in Oklahoma City.