Last week, a young couple was arrested for having sex on a Florida beach. A grandmother soaking up the sun with her grandkids caught the act on video, and before long the clip hit the local news and the Internet. And last month, another pair got arrested for having sex in the shallows at a beach in Sea Isle City, New Jersey. There was no granny-cam on this incident, but a photographer did manage to snap a shot of the two being handcuffed in their swimsuits. This, following last season’s “Bachelor,” in which Juan Pablo and Clare had an infamous romp off the coast of Vietnam. I have to ask: What is it with beach sex?
There is every reason for this to not be a thing. For one, sand and genitals do not mix well. Add in plunging and friction, and it seems an especially bad idea. It’s impossible to even eat a sandwich on the beach without getting a mouthful of sand, if ya catch my drift. Then of course there’s the whole “legality” issue. People don’t want strangers doing it doggy-style astride their children’s sand castles. The only thing they want to see pounded is the shore. And yet, sex on the beach continues. There's even a drink named after it.
In the spirit of academic research, I googled “sex on the beach” and found a song of that name by a guy named T-Spoon. The lyrics don’t provide much elucidation: “I wanna have sex on the beach/Come on move your body/Sex on the beach.” Jamie Foxx’s “Sex on the Beach” doesn’t offer any more clarity: “Somebody pour me a sex on the beach (that's how I like it)/Sex on the beach/(I wanna have) sex on the beach.” Cool, so we’ve strongly established that people want to have sex on the beach. But why? I put a call out on Twitter for expert beach-sex-havers. Aside from jokes about sand, one guy suggested: “men get hard on the beach. You're laying on it. Wind. Visual stimulation. It just happens.” Another sassed, “If you have to ask ..you havnt done it properly..LOL.” Th...
In desperation, I turned to porn. What could it reveal about beach sex (or, at least, fantasies about it)? So here's what beach-sex porn teaches us to expect from our oceanside romps:
1) Women often hang out topless, caressing their breasts with sunscreen
They're just waiting for the right guy to walk down the beach.
2) They also fall asleep spread-eagle on their beach towels
And don't mind being woken up by a stranger's head in-between their legs.
3) Sand magically disappears when it touches their body
In one clip, an overalls-clad man with a ratty ponytail begins to seduce a bleached-blond woman wearing nothing but a sarong. Periodically, their hands touch the sand and then their bodies, but the sand never remains. One minute there's sand in dangerously close proximity to a bodily orifice, the next it's gone.
4) Other people don't exist
Who knew there were so many gorgeous beaches to be found deserted on crisp, sunny days? In clip after clip, couples or triads frolic in the buff with nary a bystander. Where on earth are these magical shores, and does one have to be willing to have sex on the beach to gain admittance?
5) ... or if they do, they love it
In a compilation of clips of people getting busy on crowded nude beaches, it appears that strangers don't mind one bit. In one scene, beach-towel neighbors are either completely oblivious or stare expressionlessly at the carnal events. When one particular fellow ejaculates, his neighboring towel-dwellers daintily clap like they've witnessed a grand concerto.
6) It's like nature without the nature
These magical, deserted sex beaches also appear to not have currents, wind, foot-stabbing rocky bottoms or tangles of seaweed.
7) It is entirely comfortable having sex on a rock
Even when your partner is being battered by waves and in turn recklessly slamming into you, the rocky seaside is like a bed made of clouds.
8) Ejaculate acts as sunscreen
I mean, that must be why they're rubbing it all over themselves, right?
9) If you find a man unconscious on the shore
... the best way to revive him is with a blow job.
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