My advice to the mother who didn't like her adopted child, who has ADD, also drew sharp responses. One wrote: "The important issue is ADD. I love my children but the last year I have dreaded being around my son. He constantly got into trouble and never calmed down. A few months ago, he was diagnosed with ADD and I finally agreed to drug treatment for the disorder. I was amazed at the change in my child when his medication dosage was adjusted properly. He is now happy, outgoing, affectionate, creative, and proud of his newfound self-control. Contrary to the picture that is often painted of children on Ritalin, he is not listless or any less spirited than he was previously. Children with ADD are suffering in their own personal hell, wanting to control their behavior but being unable to do so. These children are often outcasts among their peers and the targets of adult criticism. Please tell Wondering to pursue treatment for ADD for her child until she finds a course of action that works and be persistent. Also, tell her to find an ADD support group for herself and talk to her child's doctor about self-help books for parents of children with ADHD children. Frustration, feelings of failure, and dislike for the child are all common problems for these parents."

A gentleman writes, in response to a column a few weeks ago in which I pooh-poohed a young woman's urge to seek therapy for a vague feeling of unease: "You don't need to be a drooling depressive to seek professional help. I saw a great shrink for a year when things were going well in my life but I had this sense of occasional floundering. It was great to pay for an hour with a smart guy who gave me his complete attention, never told me what to do, and yet gave me an intelligent view I was free to consider or reject. I did clear away the debris from my head, and five years later consider the therapy one of the most important steps I've taken in my life."

Dear Mr. Blue,

I am married to a man who is pretty terrific in many ways, a good listener, affectionate, intelligent, funny, a hard worker, and I love him dearly. He is 44 and I am 41. I consider our sex life to be good, but we have a teenage daughter and a busy life and aren't able to make love as often as I am sure he would like. I work full-time, cook, clean, raise our daughter and that is the reality. My husband doesn't deal well with this. He masturbates, by his own account, five or six times a day, using pornographic videotapes and sex magazines, and, to my dismay, some old pictures of a naked ex-girlfriend (she was a stripper), and he belongs to a computer pornography club. He does this almost every day. He often locks himself into the guest bedroom door to watch his videos and masturbate alone. I feel insulted, lonely and hurt. I have tried to talk to him about this. He says he doesn't cheat on me and that this helps him take care of his needs so he isn't "bothering" me all the time. I know that people are built differently, but his behavior seems more like an addiction than anything else, and I do feel like he is cheating on me when he locks himself away with his fantasy women. I have suggested counseling, and although he has agreed at times, when he thought I was ready to leave him, he never follows through. I want to get counseling for myself, but we live in a small town and we know most of the people in the psychiatric field. I don't have anyone to talk to about this and it is eating me up.

Rejected

Dear Rejected,

Where does the gentleman find the time? You'd think he'd get bored by now. It sounds like an addiction all right, and so you really need to air it out and bring it into the open. Secrecy supports the addiction, and openness helps to bring it under control. You might start by telling him you're curious what he's looking at and ask to see it: You'd like to know what it is. (Maybe you don't want to know, but it may bring him to his senses to look at a video along with you.) You should make an appointment with the therapist you're most comfortable talking to, and tell your husband he is invited to come; whether he does or not, you go and lay out the situation. In a calm and reasonable way, tell him he is running a huge risk with the teenage daughter. If she comes across this material, she will be grossed out and consider him a pig and will be slow to forgive. And finally, be kind. Your husband feels enough shame without you adding to it. Let him know that you love him.