Dear Mr. Blue

Although I am crazed taking care of two children and working part time, I still manage to write occasional essays/reflection-type pieces. My problem is this: How do I know if they're any good? My friends and family say, "You should do something with this." What should I do? Don't suggest taking a writing course -- I barely have time to shower and get gas in my car.

Writing in Limbo

Dear Limbo,

We writers don't really think about whether what we write is good or not. It's too much to worry about. We just put the words down, trying to get them right, operating by some inner sense of pitch and proportion, and from time to time, we stick the stuff in an envelope and ship it to an editor. A writer is a person who writes, that's all, so you're a writer, and God bless you. If there's a magazine that you yourself enjoy reading, send them something. And if they send it back, don't worry about that either.

Dear Mr. Blue

I've been married for 18 years to a man I love very much. Seven years ago, we moved the family so I could take a better job. I screwed up bad by having a two-night affair with a guy at work, which was truly lousy. I screwed up again by telling my husband about it. And I screwed up more by staying at my job for another year. My husband took his wedding ring off and is only staying with me for the sake of our four children. He has separated emotionally from me. What do I do?

Unloved

Dear Unloved,

What a sad tale and I feel sorry for you and your husband. Telling your husband about the affair was a cruel thing to do, no matter what your reasoning. But here he is, still under the roof despite everything. Furious, but on the premises nonetheless, and so there's got to be hope. My hunch is that he must love you very much, or else he'd have gone off with Amber the cocktail waitress. My advice is that you be utterly kind to him but focus on your children. Lavish your love and attention on them. Children are fascinating, worthy of our interest, and they crave attention and respond beautifully to it, and perhaps in raising them together, this common bond could inspire the two of you to resume your life as a couple. If it doesn't, then tell him to quit being a martyr and figure out a better way to live his life.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I have ambivalence disease. No matter who I'm with or what he is like, I feel unsatisfied. I feel I'm about to find someone better. When I'm in a relationship, I have one foot out the door. I'm 33 and too old for this. (My first book comes out in a year, and I keep thinking maybe somehow I'll meet some better men then.) Is there a cure for this horrible condition?

Sick of Myself

Dear Sick,

What's horrible about being unsatisfied? Welcome to the human condition. Thirty-three isn't too old to still be adrift romantically. I was almost 50 when I found The Right Woman and you know what? If I'd met her 20 years ago, I might not have recognized her. But even in your ambivalence, you can be properly grateful for each man who cares for you. And congratulations on your book.

Dear Mr. Blue,

Years ago, my "great love" backfired after five years, and since then, my love life has been going downhill fast. Successive relationships are shorter and shorter, more like one-night stands. My friends refer to me as "the unstoppable dating machine." I am starting to loathe myself. Do you have a suggestion? Or a reading list?

Frantic

Dear Frantic,

There are people who write to Mr. Blue who would consider themselves lucky to have your problem. They sit waiting for the phone to ring and there you are with four or five callers on hold. If you really do loathe yourself, maybe you could take your talent for seduction and use it to sell aluminum windows door-to-door or raise money for public radio. Meanwhile, your friends envy you your charm and you want me to recommend books to read? Well, I suppose Frank Harris' "My Life and Loves" and the memoirs of Casanova come to mind, but I suggest that you enjoy the summer while it's here.

Dear Mr. Blue,

After years of writing short stories and getting rejection form letters, I recently gave up on the publication game and all that heartbreak and started writing for the simple pleasure of it. The result is that writing has become far more enjoyable and I feel I have been freed from something that was holding me back. My recent work is immeasurably improved, and I think some of it is of publishable quality. I'm worried, though, that if I go back to submitting for publication, writing will again become a means to an end instead of an enjoyable end in itself. How do I maintain the joy of writing with no pressure while at the same time seeking publication?

Stuck in Illinois

Dear Stuck,

There's a story here somewhere, about a guy who wants something and doesn't want to want it, who hopes for his heart's desire to burst into the room one day when he isn't looking and take him for a ride. He is hungry and he hopes to be waited on, he is lonely and wishes that 14 close friends would arrive with a case of beer. Writers have always tried to understand themselves by writing metaphorically about their own condition. You should try writing about this. But unless you are a saint, your writing is intended for a reader, and without her, you can't be satisfied.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I want to become a poet, but I don't seem to be able to comprehend meter. Can I live without it?

Wannabe in DC

Dear Wannabe,

There is meter in everything we say, everything we write. There is even meter in your question. All writing has a cadence to it and I can't imagine a writer who isn't interested in this, though you needn't sit around and think about it. You can simply write your poems and read them aloud to yourself and the meter will be obvious to you, artful, clunky or whatever.

Dear Mr. Blue,

Every time I go out with my friend Ruth, she brings along some friend of hers that I barely know. It seems like Ruth and I never get to talk just the two of us. I'm beginning to worry that she thinks I'm boring or something. Am I being selfish with Ruth's attention, or is Ruth being rude?

Worried

Dear Worried,

If you want to be alone with Ruth, invite her to your house for dinner and set two plates at the table. And if Ruth asks if she can bring a friend, say no, and she won't.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I've met a really sweet woman who I'm very attracted to and well-suited for and who feels the same way about me. The problem is that she has been seeing a dishonest and emotionally screwed-up bartender for a year and half and has not broken off her relationship with him yet, although she is on the brink. She says she likes the "communicative" sex with him and likes being able to help him out with things like emotions and career. She describes their relationship as "unhealthy" and seems to want to drop the ax, but sometimes she seems stuck in some kind of loop. In the meantime, she doesn't respond to my e-mail or phone calls. How do I deal with that?

On Deck in San Francisco

Dear On Deck,

I'll say this as gently as I can: This really sweet woman is emotionally screwed up, and you should quit calling her and sending her e-mail. You should go for a long walk through your elegant city and ponder the vagaries of human nature and sit in cafes and drink coffee and study the Minnesotans and Iowans who come to San Francisco to relight the flame under their kettles. Do yourself a big favor. Drop her and get attracted to somebody else.

Dear Mr. Blue:

I got a letter three months ago from a publishing house that says, "I am happy to say that we are interested in your book proposal and I have sent it off to London for a couple of the other editors to look at. I will write again as soon as I have any other news." How promising does this sound to you? How long should I wait before I send a follow-up letter? The anxiety is killing me. Any tips for staying optimistic?

Anxious in Manhattan Dear Anxious, No reputable publishing house would toy with you and say they were interested if they weren't, and after three months, you could reasonably send them a note and ask, "How are the deliberations coming?" Better yet, call them up on the phone, it's easier to tell if they're lying if you can hear their voice. Don't be afraid of people in publishing. Walk tall. You're an author, after all. And if they've lost interest in your proposal, it's no big deal. Send it on to someone brighter.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I moved to Los Angeles six months ago and discovered I am not really the L.A. type. I don't like the beach, cars, palm trees or mainstream films. I'm attractive (some say beautiful), yet L.A. men aren't exactly breaking my door down. What might I be doing wrong? Are men intimidated by opinionated, smart and articulate women?

An Outsider

Dear Outsider,

Los Angeles is a big city, and like other big cities, it contains large populations of people who aren't "the type." New York has inhabitants who aren't loud and in a big hurry and Dallas has people who aren't brash and Miami has some who aren't on drugs and Seattle has plenty who don't hike or bike and Minneapolis has a large supply of non-Scandinavians -- being untypical is hardly a social disadvantage. Men aren't intimidated by smart women, but sometimes we are put off by arrogance, as anyone would be, and what does "articulate" mean, anyway? Why offer that as a badge? Everyone is articulate in the right company. I recommend that you take it easy and enjoy L.A. as long as you're there. It's a great city with a fabulous history and the more you learn about it the more you'll want to know. And in the process, you might meet a couple of men you'd want to get to know better.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I have been dating an older man for about a year, on and off. I like him very much; at times I feel I love him. He does not tell me he loves me, but he did say that I was "growing on him like a fungus lately." Well, before we warmed to each other, back when our relationship was difficult, I started writing to my former boyfriend from college, whom I hadn't spoken to for two years, and I like what I am finding there as well. A while ago, I invited him to move out here and now he says that in a few months he will. I haven't told him about my current boyfriend. He is very attractive and we have much in common. Plus, I'm not sure if my current boyfriend will ever fall in love with me. Although I am not sure if I trust the motives of my former boyfriend. Am I blinding myself to something here?

Confused

Dear Confused,

You have a couple of interesting months ahead of you. It's brave of you, encouraging one guy, even as you string along another, but the blind one is not you, it's your current boyfriend, the older man. When the college boyfriend moves to wherever you and Uncle Bud are, you will no doubt get some good stories that you can amuse your children and grandchildren with someday.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I'm a teacher, freelancer, soon to be MFA candidate, and I've gone and fallen in love with a sweet, generous, taciturn lobsterman. We're each 39, never married, both very busy, have been seeing each other for just over three months, but already I can see our children's smiles in his eyes and hear their giggles in his laugh. How can I keep myself from telling him these things? I'm certain he knows what path we could be on here, but I don't want to buzz past him at warp speed.

Some Impatient

Dear Impatient,

There's a kind of giddiness, a helium quality, in the early months of romance that you ought to enjoy and then allow to dissipate, and when the balloon comes down, you can settle into the relationship and learn to feel comfortable with each other, regardless of mood, and find out what each other's habits are regarding civility and so forth. When you and your lobsterman get to some stable point, you can pick your moment and look him in the eye and say, "I want to have a baby with you." He may grab his slicker and dash for his boat, he may grab you and make love with you, or he may simply become very thoughtful. The odds of him choosing the right door will improve with time.

Dear Mr. Blue.

Perhaps you can help, perhaps not. My husband has insisted on subscribing to TV Guide, and recently I spotted him taking TVG into the bathroom. It dawned on me that I have never seen him read an actual book, only periodicals. I confess this disturbs me terribly. Does this constitute a relationship problem or should I just learn to live with it?

Turned off

Dear Turned,

I can't help. If your husband had been a major book reader and gave up books in favor of TV Guide because of lower digestive-tract problems, I'm sure you would know that. You married a guy who is vitally interested in TV. There are worse things. Live with it.

Dear Mr. Blue:

Does oral sex constitute a sexual relationship? I asked a friend who is a Republican and a Bible scholar, who says it isn't. Now I wonder if my Irish Catholic upbringing may have locked me out of a lot of fun open to Baptists. Are there religions in which oral sex is OK, and where do I go to convert?

Curious

Dear Curious,

Oral sex is sexual, and people who engage in oral sex have a sexual relationship. I don't care what the Baptists say about this. Oral sex is perfectly OK, and you can practice it to your heart's content, but it is not asexual. And in the Christian religion, we would prefer that you practice it with your wife. It is precision close-up work and takes some expertise and isn't something you'd offer to strangers. That's our feeling, anyway.