Dear Mr. Blue,
I'm a sensible sort who never expected to be in the middle of a Jerry Springer episode, but last year, somehow, my orbit collided with that of an old friend, a man who was living with another woman. They weren't sleeping together at the time (he said), though she had a child by him after a casual affair; his marriage had ended after years of infertility and he was desperate to have children. Things started to fall apart between him and his lover and then she got pregnant again.
So here we are, in love and him with two kids, avoiding the subject of what comes next. I know he loves his children, but he avoids being home whenever possible, using a heavy work schedule as a buffer. I tell myself he'd see more of his kids with me than he does now, but probably I am rationalizing. I divorced when my own children were small, and I know what pain they go through in a breakup.
I'm 44, he's 48. We both were cranky, sarcastic sorts with hidden hearts who softened and blossomed with each other. I have never been so happy. Am I an awful person for wanting to break up his home, unhappy though it may be? One of those people William Bennett scorns as having no moral compass? Is love, even a sweet and tender midlife love like this, a good enough reason to cause people pain? Or is love a good enough reason to stop causing yourself pain?
Philadelphia Philanderer
Dear Phil,
You have tumbled for a man whose life is something of a mess, and now your happiness is heavily mortgaged to his situation. Try to step back and take a clear look at where you are. Try not to be so available, so comforting, so wonderful. Be a little removed. And try to direct your attention (and his) away from how happy you two are and toward the fortunes of these two children. All the happy b.s. about wise breakups being good for children in the end --- you can skip that. If, as you say, this man has been avoiding home and his fatherly responsibilities, don't make excuses for him. I am sorry, Philadelphia, but he has got to face up to his situation and deal with it before he can make a life with you. He can't make you happy in the long term if he is a man who blows off his children.
Dear Mr. Blue,
Interesting women seek my friendship, but don't respond to my occasional romantic overtures. I fear I've been typecast as a "nice guy" or, worse, a "safe male." How can I generate a false dark side? I also can't plot my short stories. Is there a single solution to both problems?
Somewhere in Mississippi
Dear Somewhere,
Romantic overtures are always being dropped; barrooms are littered with shards of overtures. But if you're flirting with plausible women and they turn away, maybe you need to update your look. May as well start there. A man glances in the mirror in the morning and doesn't notice what's looking back at him: the waxed flattop, the beige-tinted aviator glasses, the goatee, which women read to mean that he's a right-wing nut. If you have a woman friend your age whose taste is adventurous but sure, ask her opinion. Try some new clothes. As for plotting short stories, the trick is to figure out where the middle is and start there, not the beginning.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I am 45 and married to a wonderful woman who is 17 years younger than I. I have three teenage children from an earlier marriage who share our household every other week, and everyone gets along swimmingly, teens and my wife, me and my ex, teens and her husband. I am deeply in love with my wife, and life couldn't be better. My wife wants us to have one child, maybe two, which I'm open to, but I'm worried about changing the status quo. I like babies, but I also know how much work it is to raise them and how children change your life. Any advice?
The Overpopulator
Dear O.P.,
You're having the normal trepidations a person ought to have before you beget a baby. Yes, having one does change your life, but life changes anyway, with or without one. You have a wonderful family to bring a new child into, and a wife who wants it, and a pool of baby sitters, and at 45 you'll be a terrific father. So accept your good fortune and go be fruitful.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I am a 25-year-old student with a full-time job and a live-in boyfriend of almost six years, and we are beginning to think about marriage and buying a house. I am steaming toward earning an MFA in poetry and am happy about how my writing is coming along.
In 1997 I was diagnosed with a neurological malformation with an uncertain prognosis. My symptoms are increasing, and it looks like I will need brain surgery.
Here's the thing: I need to take two more classes and then finish my thesis. I was going to finish in the fall of 1999, but I had to take a year off in '96, which really crushed me and ruined my self-confidence. If I have surgery this winter, I will be facing that again, along with three months of recuperation. But if I wait until May, I may damage my health. My doctor says that nothing is certain and I should have the surgery when I am ready to have it. What to do?
In Diagnosis Hell
Dear I.D.H.,
If I were your dad, I'd want you to have the surgery, once you got it clear in your mind what is involved and what might come of it. Your health has to come first. You have to march into the hospital and wage the good fight. Yes, it's a depressing prospect, to interrupt your life when it's going so well, but your academic year probably won't be a cheerful one with this crisis hanging over your head. Of course you can get a second opinion, but if you yourself are aware of your symptoms getting worse, then you should act right away.
Dear Mr. Blue,
My wife has been gone for two years now and I'm over her. It's the concept of marriage that I can't let go of. I feel as if I'm headed for a life of gold chains, cocaine, nightclubs and a three-week second marriage to Liz Taylor if I cut the cord. A steady wife would be a nice addition now that the nights are getting cold, but would one even be interested in me? Or should I just concentrate on bar chicks and relationships that vanish as quickly as the foam on the beer?
Floating
Dear Floating,
That life of gold chains and nightclubs only exists in Nevada and New Jersey and parts of Los Angeles. It's not to be found in the heartland, or in the South or the Northwest, so if the thought of transient relationships and inappropriate neckwear troubles you, get out of harm's way. But first get the divorce, which is the logical step after two years of separation. And then something else may happen. Perhaps a valiant woman walks into a room and a cloud of pheromones appears. She may not be a reliable source of heat or wish to become an addition to your life, but you can work that out between you.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I think you can tell a lot about a person by how he or she drives. And I'm deeply in love with a man who drives like an idiot. His other qualities are wonderful, but his driving is becoming a real problem and slowly eroding my respect for him. I don't want to dump him, and I don't want to die in a terrible crash. What am I to do?
White-knuckled in Boston
Dear Knuckles,
A man can change how he drives. Tell him it bothers you, and tell him he must either take driving lessons or drive as if he had. Don't give him this message casually. Soften him up for it with a period of coolness and distance, until he is moved to ask what is wrong, and then tell him. He'll think you're kidding. Tell him again. This is a basic expectation between human beings: that we not endanger each other.
Dear Mr. Blue,
For 15 years after a cruel divorce I searched for the mate of my dreams, and just when I had resigned myself to being a bachelor, I found her. After dating for several months, and some gentle prodding from her, we got married.
But part of me now misses being single and traveling, reading, writing. I love her, and she and I are uncannily well-matched. Why am I cherishing those old times?
Restless
Dear Restless,
Maybe this is just a little emotional backwash. Every happy resolution generates some perverse negative reaction. Don't worry about it. It will pass. But there's no reason to give up reading and writing. Or solo travel. Each marriage has to work out its own terms of solitude. If you need more, now is the time to gently bring up the subject.
Dear Mr. Blue,
For the past seven months, I have been best friends with this guy I met at my old job at a weekly newspaper. We have been inseparable, seeing each other daily and, yes, at times we have ended up in bed. A couple weeks ago, he mentioned that his sister wanted to set him up on a blind date and he was considering it. When he told me, I felt my world falling apart. I tried to break off with him. He pleaded with me not to, because my friendship was too valuable to lose. Well, now I don't know what kind of relationship it is, a friendship, a romance or a farce. How can I resolve this mystery?
Schizo in San Francisco
Dear Schizo,
You have a friendship, which you have mistaken for a romance. You resolve this in your own heart, without any help from your friend. You start to do this by seeing less of him. Much less. And you start looking at other guys and think about becoming emotionally entangled with them.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I've been writing a novel for a couple of months. I carry the ideas around in my head until I write, but my writer friends say that keeping notes is much more effective. What is the benefit of using notes?
Construction Writer
Dear Construction,
Most writers would choose to commit notes to paper because they distrust memory to hold a complicated arrangement of information that is in a transitional state, and also because notes promote the sort of ferment that's necessary in composition. You write down one thing and then it changes in your mind and when you look at the notes later, you can see where the writing needs to go. For most writers, this is facilitated by note keeping, journals, first drafts. But you should do what works for you, of course.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I met a woman in May whom I fell deeply in love with, which was probably a mistake as she had plans to move across the country to go to graduate school in August. During the course of the tumultuous summer, I thought about moving to New York to be near her, which she thought was a wonderful idea, but after my first visit a couple of weeks ago it became painfully apparent that she no longer had room in her life for me. I got angry and told her I didn't want to talk to her for a while and haven't, but I miss her terribly. My brain tells me to give up and move on while my stubborn little poet heart tells me to hang on.
Resisting Cynicism
Dear Resister,
It isn't cynicism, just change. Things changed for her. It was a summer romance. The saxophones played, the breeze wafted through the lilacs, the candlelight flickered, and in the enthusiasm of the moment, she encouraged you to follow her to New York. She has now let you know that was a mistake. Don't make her say it twice.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I work far too much at my university's student newspaper. I barely make it out of the office long enough to feed my cat -- never mind finding the time to develop friendships outside the newsroom. Over the past year, I've had flings with three of my cohorts. Not good, I know, but my attempts at dating outside the newsroom have been disastrous. I like to imagine that I'm an engaging young woman, but my life is the newspaper and most of my conversation centers around it. I'm excited as hell about my chosen field, while most of my peers have trouble summoning up enthusiasm for anything beyond next weekend's football game.
Wire on Fire
Dear Wire,
You sound like an engaging young woman, and it's great that you're fired up about journalism -- great for you and great for the news business. Now is the time in life to get engrossed and to throw yourself into your endeavors. You're feeling a little trapped by it, though, and maybe you are. That is, maybe there's a degree of insecurity behind your fervor -- you're afraid that if you leave the newsroom for more than a few minutes, if you don't work harder than anybody else on the planet, you'll sink. Extending your orbit would boost your confidence. Try meeting some people whose common interest is, say, sports, or stargazing, or something less noble than journalism. A journalist is interested in the outside world -- that's what you're out to cover -- so you have to be able to travel and blend in with the civilian population.
Dear Mr. Blue,
Just when everything seems to be going great, I find myself deep in a rut. I'm 27 years old. I've been with a man for three years who seemed like a real soul mate after I divorced my high school sweetheart. I met him here in Tokyo, where I came with my husband. Next year I plan to move back home and enter grad school (he says he'll support me) and we'll make a life together. He's a great guy -- generous, fun, considerate, dependable -- but the physical attraction (on both sides) has gotten lost somewhere along the way, and I have a nagging feeling of boredom. I feel like life is passing me by. Recently, despite myself, I have gotten interested in gorgeous, younger, "unsuitable" men. Should I leave my beau and please myself for a while or should I try harder to rekindle our relationship and "make it work"?
Tempted in Tokyo
Dear Tempted,
I don't think it's a good idea to ignore boredom, but there is just a slight hint of flightiness here. And when you say that your guy is fun, you do contradict yourself, no? At any rate, you're not in any rut that I can see: You simply have made plans that you now are in doubt about. Don't make a life with someone you're bored with. Come home and get your own apartment and borrow the money to go to grad school and let this relationship sort itself out one way or the other.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I'm a 32-year-old writer who makes a very decent living as a freelance writer and editor, and I am close to finishing my first novel. I have settled on a pseudonym to use -- I have a strong intuitive sense that I need a protective wall between my day-to-day self (journalist, wife, mother-to-be) and the vulnerable and private creature who writes fiction. Does this sound nutty to you? Some of my friends have suggested that my real problem is a fear or unwillingness to take full responsibility for my work.
By Any Other Name in Baltimore
Dear By Any,
The use of pen names is an old and honorable tradition, and if you want to use one, do, and don't let the dark imagination of your silly friends dissuade you. Why did you even bother to tell them? It's strictly between you and the wallpaper. Your reasoning is quite sensible. To create a separate person to be the author of your book might help you avoid some confusion in your own mind between who you are and what you do, especially if the book should be a (knock on wood) walloping success. Of course you should be sure that your pen name is one you can live with.
Dear Mr. Blue,
Every time something interesting comes along in life, I take a chance on it, a philosophy that has taken me places and given me plenty to write about. But now I'm in a weird situation. Very weird. I'm (mostly) gay, and my boyfriend has married a lesbian who wants to have children. Now her girlfriend wants me to marry her so we can have kids, too. They're all a little older than I am, and they're French. I'm American and I've only been here a year. I want a child, and I never thought I would have one. Is this the chance I never thought I would have? Or a mistake? We all get along well, and they don't seem troubled by the idea that I might eventually decide to move home. Or at least they pretend not to be. What should I do?
Undecided in Paris
Dear Undecided,
Having a child is not a party game. Time to put on your hat and come back to reality. If you want to be a father, do it on your terms, in a way that promises some stability and security for your child. Weirdness isn't a good indicator of that.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I know a wonderful man with whom I share values, interests, dreams, physical attraction and a sense of comfort and fun when we're together. We dated in the spring, but then I rode my bike across the country, and when I returned he wanted to stop "seeing" me in the romantic sense. He says he doesn't know why. However, he says he still wants to spend time with me and get to know me better. I figure he's just not ready for anything more serious, and so I've decided to try to just be friends with him and date other people. But I'm confused. This has happened to me before -- what's the deal?
Puzzled in Oregon
Dear Puzzled,
The gentleman may be involved with someone else and not know how to tell you. Or he may be genuinely confused about his feelings. But the confusion is his, not yours. You say that you share values, etc., but you don't say that you're crazy about him, so don't worry about him. Go back to the dance and find a new partner.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I am a 25-year-old woman who has had a couple of serious relationships. Right now I am dating around and am drawn to one man in particular who seems dependable and calls regularly; we see each other about twice a week. He has other qualities I like -- but we have yet to even hold hands! I find myself confused at his behavior. I've asked him about it and he said he's in the process of changing a few things about himself. He said he also wants to fall in love with a woman instead of the IDEA of a woman. Fair enough. His intentions seem noble to me but I suppose I'm looking for another man's opinion on this situation. Any ideas?
Mystified
Dear Mystified,
When you date a man, you shouldn't have to have a discussion about hand holding. Holding hands is pretty basic in dating; it simply says that the other person doesn't repel you or fill you with dread. It's a simple sign of affection and a graceful way to walk or sit together. It's reassurance that the other person isn't pissed off. Your young man is thinking too hard, and it doesn't strike me as particularly noble, but hey, you're the one who has to walk next to him, not me.
Dear Mr. Blue,
After three years of marriage, my wife fell in love with another man about three months ago. She told me immediately and has since moved out. I feel terrible regret for having taken her for granted and losing her. Our first year together was the happiest of my life. At the end of it, we moved together to a foreign country, and the isolation and stress caused us to grow apart. I closed up emotionally. Now she has left and I find myself hoping to win her back. I have a hard time moving on with my life. Should I give up on her or not?
Abandoned in Ausland
Dear Abandoned,
It isn't up to you what she does right now, and it wasn't all your fault that she left. She left on her own, and if she comes back, she'll do that on her own. Start rebuilding your life, and start by coming back home, as soon as you can, if you haven't already. Change the small details of your life: what you eat, what you do in the evening, the music you listen to, the people you see, how you celebrate Christmas. Clean house and dispose of unnecessary reminders of her. And fall back on the good graces of your old friends, who are waiting to help you through this misery.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I'm a 19-year-old computer science student and I have no idea how to go about entering into relationships or pursuing them. Whenever I meet someone who I think I'd like to ask out and I talk to them for a while, I suddenly realize that this person is, well, dull, and my interest in them evaporates. I know there is no formula, but how does one go about falling in love?
Lonely
Dear Lonely,
Falling in love is a natural, though thrilling and miraculous, outcome of ordinary social life, in which we are drawn toward people whose company cheers us up. Eventually, you run into someone who more than cheers you up, who makes you slightly dizzy and who you keep wanting to call up on the phone and whose approval you crave and whose laughter is beautiful to you. And when you do, you throw yourself down on the ground and wave your arms and legs and hope that the beloved notices. And if she does, you do almost everything you can to make her happy. Dullness is a sign that you are not yet in her vicinity.
unpacking my life
Their Father is a Transsexual Woman
The plight of the single, middle-aged newcomer in Smalltown
The blank page and me. (more writer's block horror)
October 25, 2002