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DEAR MR. BLUE: ADVICE FOR LOVERS AND WRITERS Hot sex with the ex - - - - - - - - - - - - May 25, 1999 | My relationships with men were brief and unsatisfying until three
years ago when I met one who is a tender lover, a soul mate and my playful
best friend.
We are planning to get married in August. Last week, I called him from work and asked him to go through some of my
files to find
some insurance papers I needed, and he happened upon an essay I wrote long
ago
about one of those meaningless affairs. His eye fell upon the one
sentence in which I mentioned the great sex I'd had with this other guy, and
he shut the
folder right away, without reading on to find out how this guy's carelessness
and callousness
left me feeling even lonelier. Now my fiancé can't stop thinking about the hot sex with the ex -- that it
was better than
anything he can offer me -- and I can't seem to reassure him. I am afraid
this is going to
ruin our relationship. What can I do? Ready to give up writing Dear Ready, You can make love with him. It's better than an explanation in
most cases. Of
course you can tell him you're sorry he saw your essay, ask him to reread it,
tell him you
love him and say that you understand his jealousy, but making love is what will
calm him down.
I hope you do understand his jealousy and take this outburst as a sign of his
love.
But ruin your relationship over a sentence in an essay? If he's that
distraught, he's very
confused about more than you and your love, and you should let go. You don't
want to have
to defend your right to have a past. Dear Mr. Blue, Why does everyone who writes to you sound heterosexual? Amy Dear Amy, I don't know what heterosexuals sound like. I do know that not
everyone who
writes is. I recall, off the top of my head, four or five letter writers who
were gay, and
many more who, interestingly, revealed their lover's gender by the pronoun
and did not
reveal their own. I see my correspondent's name in the e-mail heading, so
it's clear to me,
for example, if it's a letter about a lesbian romance, but it may not be
clear to you from the
letter. Take the letter below, from "Constantly Confused": Is it from a gay man or
a straight
woman? And does it matter? Mr. Blue Garrison Keillor's column appears in Books, every other Tuesday
Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue. Read books by Garrison Keillor at BARNES & NOBLE
Dear Mr. Blue, I am 33, a screenwriter in Los Angeles, not yet successful -- I've had a few agents, meetings, some interest, but haven't yet sold anything. I met my boyfriend almost five years ago in a graduate film program that he dropped out of and I stayed with. About a year ago, I moved out of the apartment we shared, but haven't been able to break things off -- I keep going back and forth. I feel he doesn't support my writing: Once when we were with friends and one asked if he thought I was a good writer, my boyfriend just shrugged and said he didn't know. This hurt very much. I feel like my staying with him has not been good for my career. But there are many good things about him, and I do love him. I don't know what to do: give up on him, give up writing or what? Constantly confused Dear Constantly, His remark seems innocent to me; honestly, it does. He was only brushing off a dumb question. You can choose to take it as a hostile remark, but that's your choice. If you feel queasy around him, or feel he doesn't respect you, then it may help to create a little distance, as you did when you moved out. You're in a delicate spot, on the verge of a breakthrough, and of course your feelings are exposed. But why break off with him if you do love him? Surely you won't consider giving up writing, not now, having invested so much. Dear Mr. Blue, Why don't men call? Waiting Dear Waiting, They don't call because they know they're in trouble for not having called and you're going to ask them why they haven't in that miffed tone and they won't be able to come up with a good enough answer -- they weren't in Nepal or writing "After The Fall" or practicing for Carnegie Hall. That's why men don't call. Because they haven't. And because they're not sure why either. Dear Mr. Blue, I am a college student, 6 foot 10 inches tall, tired of people asking me if I play basketball. (I don't.) I am coming home for the summer to work in construction, and it suddenly occurs to me that I have zero social life except for a couple of beer-drinking buddies. I am convinced that people (I mean women) avoid someone who is so much taller than they. Do they? What do I do? Too Tall Dear Too Tall, People do discriminate against the tall person. I'm only 6 foot 3 and I know they do. People don't like to be loomed over, I guess. The vertically challenged naturally like to look someone in the eye, and when this towering person lumbers in and stands over them, darkening the sky, they feel threatened. We're just ordinary people who ate too many string beans and not enough potatoes, but we don't get the affection that smaller folks do. A sad story, but you needn't be defeated by it. Walk tall, and bide your time. Be kinder and friendlier to make up for your formidable appearance. And one day some fine woman will avoid avoiding you.
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