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DEAR MR. BLUE: ADVICE FOR LOVERS AND WRITERS The art of seduction
Editor's Note:Beginning today, Mr. Blue's column will run weekly in Salon Books.
June 8, 1999 |
I'm a 28-year-old French woman married to a happy and wonderful man, an
American about
my age. I feel blessed, but I wish we could make love more often. I would be
delighted to
make love every day, but after three years of
marriage, we only make love once or twice a week. I wish we could experiment
with new
things and be more kinky. He says his love for me prevents him
from letting go in that way, that I'm his beloved wife on a sort of pedestal.
At the beginning of our story, we were more spontaneous and had great
romantic times in
trains, cars, parks. Is this the turn all marriages take? A woman told me to
find a lover, which I found ridiculous. Should I calm down? Curious Dear Curious, Be calm, be happy, don't press. The amorous life is one of
suggestion and
gesture, not persuasion or petition or complaint. If you want to arouse your
man, praise him
as a lover, tell him how he arouses and delights you, don't suggest
there's a deficiency.
Your husband may have a problem letting you know when he is interested in
lovemaking,
and this is a problem of physical communication, not solved by serious
discussion. For
example, in bed, in the evening or in the morning, embrace in a light way
that allows him
either to kiss and dismiss you if he's not in the mood or to be playful and
move toward lovemaking. It's all a matter of gesture, sometimes very slight ones, and the
beauty of it is that
the gestures are enjoyable in themselves. The mutual seduction is part of the
pleasure. The
worst thing is to say, lying next to him in the dark, "Why don't we make love
more often?"
That is a killer. Dear Mr. Blue, I have been in love with a wonderful man for four years. He's 27, I'm 30
and he's just finishing graduate school. About two years ago I brought up the subject of
marriage, and
what a disaster. He said he didn't want to get married, and he didn't want to
marry me. We
eventually stopped living together, got some therapy and have been
really happy for the last year seeing each other. But it seems that a
large invisible elephant has come in: I wonder if he's going to leave me,
what will happen. I
don't dare ask him again, but I imagine my babies calling him Papa. Am I
stupid for staying
with him? I've got a good job, am not afraid of being alone and don't want
to be fooling
myself. But I can't imagine life without him. Please
advise; my heart seems to be breaking. Misty Dear Misty, There is an inequality of feeling here -- him wanting a loose
arrangement, you
wanting babies and marriage -- and you may as well resolve this. If you're
worried about him
leaving you, it would be better for you to open the door: Tell him that you
need a few months
to think things over. Be honest about how you feel, but propose that you and
he not see each
other for a period of time. It would give him a chance to think about what he
wants. If you
lose him, you lose him, but at least you settle the matter now and don't
suffer over it for
years to come. Dear Mr. Blue, I always imagined that I would be a writer. Unfortunately, I just
don't write and can't even seem to begin. This past winter the idea of
becoming an architect jumped into my head. I started looking
into a graduate program, and although there are several steps involved, it
seems like a viable plan. My friends are confused because architecture never
came up in conversation before, and my husband (who says he's sure I could do anything I
put my mind to) wonders if it's just a phase born of frustration. I want to believe that I have some great artistic calling and that when I hear the call it will be unmistakable. I do think architecture is fascinating, and I have passionate feelings about how things should be built, but it doesn't seem to fit my heart like the idea of writing a story does. I'm confused and am starting to think that in the absence of a calling I am hearing voices. But then too I wonder if the idea of a calling is
melodramatic and that maybe instead of waiting for it to come to me I should go out and try to embrace something I find interesting and see if it grows on me. What do you think? Do only great people get called? Hearing voices Mr. Blue Garrison Keillor's column appears every Tuesday in Salon Books.
Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue. Dear Hearing, Calm down. Go ahead and look into architecture if that interests you; get some good advice and counseling from someone in the field and at the school. But don't look at it as a great artistic calling. Look at it as a discipline to be mastered that demands focused and diligent hard work, not passionate feelings. It is a branch of engineering, after all, as much as it is an art. The sentence that leaps out of your letter is "I want to believe that I have a great artistic calling ..." Believing in it isn't quite enough. One needs a sense of calling in artistic work because there is such a high incidence of failure and embarrassment: To survive demands some irrational sense of purpose. And that is what a calling gives you, an inner suit of armor, a sense of confidence not supported by the facts. Even a person so armed, however, may fail abysmally and may in the end abandon the enterprise; there are no guarantees. It strikes me that, more than enjoying the process, you may desire the outcome. You don't want to write, you want to have written. That isn't a calling; it's just plain covetousness. Get over it. Dear Mr. Blue, I am a happily married 25-year-old woman with two beautiful young boys and a decent job. I have my share of stresses and frustrations, but I'm reasonably happy. I have two dear friends in their 30s who are pining to have babies and husbands and constantly talk about getting their lives started. I try to be reassuring, but I wonder if a matchmaker might be a more straightforward solution than singles bars or personal ads. It hurts to see them alone and suffering. I want them to get what they want, but I don't want to insult them or seem nosy. Auntie-in-waiting Dear Auntie, It's sad to see one's friends dissatisfied and tempting to reach over and set things to rights, but don't overreach. If they ask for your advice, offer it, and if they only ask for a sympathetic ear, give them that. You can't orchestrate someone else's life. Matchmakers operated in a religious cultural setting wherein a prospective couple could be brought together and, though strangers to each other, feel that they knew each other: You not only married an individual, you married the culture. I don't think it works so well in a secular society that believes in people inventing themselves. Dear Mr. Blue, A while back you advised someone to avoid dating men whose best friends are women, and I've been wondering why you said that. It seems to me that a man who has close female friends is likely to be a good partner for a woman. Could you elaborate? Just Wondering Dear Just, My advice was to a woman, that she should be wary of a man who told her that his best friends are women. Not to be wary of the fact but of the proclamation, which shows defensiveness on the man's part. Dear Mr. Blue, Can a true relationship come out of a lustful affair? About three months ago, having sworn off one-night stands, I allowed a very handsome and interesting man to seduce me. We saw each other over the course of a month, it was very passionate and I began thinking monogamously, which made him retreat. We still see each other as "friends" with no sex and some flirting. I still think he's great and my respect for him grows, and I think his appreciation for me is maturing. I think we are formally dating. It's as if we are going backward. Can this become a serious romantic relationship? He has said that he doesn't want to be involved now, and I have been in therapy and have realized that this isn't the best time for a romantic relationship. Any hope? Hopeful Dear Hopeful, Where there's hope there's life. If you enjoy his company, keep seeing him. Don't rush your feelings, though. Don't try to read ahead. You made the first overture and he said no. Now it's his turn. Dear Mr. Blue, I've done a really silly thing. I'm 30, in grad school, have been told I'm attractive, have dated plenty and now there's a man, a Ph.D. student, in one of my classes whom I've developed a huge crush on. We definitely made eye contact, but when class was over I panicked and walked right by him with a nonchalant "see ya!" I completely blew it, and since then I haven't been able to figure out a way to talk to him. I know I'll just kick myself if I don't find a way to talk to him. This is a grad-level psychology class; you'd think I'd be able to not act like a teenager! What's happening?? What should I do? Tongue-tied silly Dear tongue-tied, The delights of infatuation extend even to thirtysomethings, and the delights include stammering, blushing, confusion, the vapors, sleeplessness -- good for you that you're capable of such innocent pleasures. The people with the problem are the ones who don't react, sweetie, not the ones who do. What should you do? Walk over and talk to him about whatever's on your mind (other than him), and if there's an appropriate moment to say it, say, "How would you like to have _______ ?" ([a.] coffee [b.] a beer [c.] lunch [d.] a big romance). And if you can't bring yourself to do it, too bad for him.
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