To print this page, select "Print" from the File menu of your browser salon.com > Books June 8, 1999 URL: http://www.salon.com/books/col/keil/1999/06/08/seduction The art of seduction Now that we're married, our great romantic adventures seem to be a thing of the past. How can I arouse my husband again? - - - - - - - - - - - - By Garrison Keillor Dear Mr. Blue, I'm a 28-year-old French woman married to a happy and wonderful man, an American about my age. I feel blessed, but I wish we could make love more often. I would be delighted to make love every day, but after three years of marriage, we only make love once or twice a week. I wish we could experiment with new things and be more kinky. He says his love for me prevents him from letting go in that way, that I'm his beloved wife on a sort of pedestal. At the beginning of our story, we were more spontaneous and had great romantic times in trains, cars, parks. Is this the turn all marriages take? A woman told me to find a lover, which I found ridiculous. Should I calm down? Curious Dear Curious, Be calm, be happy, don't press. The amorous life is one of suggestion and gesture, not persuasion or petition or complaint. If you want to arouse your man, praise him as a lover, tell him how he arouses and delights you, don't suggest there's a deficiency. Your husband may have a problem letting you know when he is interested in lovemaking, and this is a problem of physical communication, not solved by serious discussion. For example, in bed, in the evening or in the morning, embrace in a light way that allows him either to kiss and dismiss you if he's not in the mood or to be playful and move toward lovemaking. It's all a matter of gesture, sometimes very slight ones, and the beauty of it is that the gestures are enjoyable in themselves. The mutual seduction is part of the pleasure. The worst thing is to say, lying next to him in the dark, "Why don't we make love more often?" That is a killer. Dear Mr. Blue, I have been in love with a wonderful man for four years. He's 27, I'm 30 and he's just finishing graduate school. About two years ago I brought up the subject of marriage, and what a disaster. He said he didn't want to get married, and he didn't want to marry me. We eventually stopped living together, got some therapy and have been really happy for the last year seeing each other. But it seems that a large invisible elephant has come in: I wonder if he's going to leave me, what will happen. I don't dare ask him again, but I imagine my babies calling him Papa. Am I stupid for staying with him? I've got a good job, am not afraid of being alone and don't want to be fooling myself. But I can't imagine life without him. Please advise; my heart seems to be breaking. Misty Dear Misty, There is an inequality of feeling here -- him wanting a loose arrangement, you wanting babies and marriage -- and you may as well resolve this. If you're worried about him leaving you, it would be better for you to open the door: Tell him that you need a few months to think things over. Be honest about how you feel, but propose that you and he not see each other for a period of time. It would give him a chance to think about what he wants. If you lose him, you lose him, but at least you settle the matter now and don't suffer over it for years to come. Dear Mr. Blue, I always imagined that I would be a writer. Unfortunately, I just don't write and can't even seem to begin. This past winter the idea of becoming an architect jumped into my head. I started looking into a graduate program, and although there are several steps involved, it seems like a viable plan. My friends are confused because architecture never came up in conversation before, and my husband (who says he's sure I could do anything I put my mind to) wonders if it's just a phase born of frustration. I want to believe that I have some great artistic calling and that when I hear the call it will be unmistakable. I do think architecture is fascinating, and I have passionate feelings about how things should be built, but it doesn't seem to fit my heart like the idea of writing a story does. I'm confused and am starting to think that in the absence of a calling I am hearing voices. But then too I wonder if the idea of a calling is melodramatic and that maybe instead of waiting for it to come to me I should go out and try to embrace something I find interesting and see if it grows on me. What do you think? Do only great people get called? Hearing voices Dear Hearing, Calm down. Go ahead and look into architecture if that interests you; get some good advice and counseling from someone in the field and at the school. But don't look at it as a great artistic calling. Look at it as a discipline to be mastered that demands focused and diligent hard work, not passionate feelings. It is a branch of engineering, after all, as much as it is an art. The sentence that leaps out of your letter is "I want to believe that I have a great artistic calling ..." Believing in it isn't quite enough. One needs a sense of calling in artistic work because there is such a high incidence of failure and embarrassment: To survive demands some irrational sense of purpose. And that is what a calling gives you, an inner suit of armor, a sense of confidence not supported by the facts. Even a person so armed, however, may fail abysmally and may in the end abandon the enterprise; there are no guarantees. It strikes me that, more than enjoying the process, you may desire the outcome. You don't want to write, you want to have written. That isn't a calling; it's just plain covetousness. Get over it. Dear Mr. Blue, I am a happily married 25-year-old woman with two beautiful young boys and a decent job. I have my share of stresses and frustrations, but I'm reasonably happy. I have two dear friends in their 30s who are pining to have babies and husbands and constantly talk about getting their lives started. I try to be reassuring, but I wonder if a matchmaker might be a more straightforward solution than singles bars or personal ads. It hurts to see them alone and suffering. I want them to get what they want, but I don't want to insult them or seem nosy. Auntie-in-waiting Dear Auntie, It's sad to see one's friends dissatisfied and tempting to reach over and set things to rights, but don't overreach. If they ask for your advice, offer it, and if they only ask for a sympathetic ear, give them that. You can't orchestrate someone else's life. Matchmakers operated in a religious cultural setting wherein a prospective couple could be brought together and, though strangers to each other, feel that they knew each other: You not only married an individual, you married the culture. I don't think it works so well in a secular society that believes in people inventing themselves. Dear Mr. Blue, A while back you advised someone to avoid dating men whose best friends are women, and I've been wondering why you said that. It seems to me that a man who has close female friends is likely to be a good partner for a woman. Could you elaborate? Just Wondering Dear Just, My advice was to a woman, that she should be wary of a man who told her that his best friends are women. Not to be wary of the fact but of the proclamation, which shows defensiveness on the man's part. Dear Mr. Blue, Can a true relationship come out of a lustful affair? About three months ago, having sworn off one-night stands, I allowed a very handsome and interesting man to seduce me. We saw each other over the course of a month, it was very passionate and I began thinking monogamously, which made him retreat. We still see each other as "friends" with no sex and some flirting. I still think he's great and my respect for him grows, and I think his appreciation for me is maturing. I think we are formally dating. It's as if we are going backward. Can this become a serious romantic relationship? He has said that he doesn't want to be involved now, and I have been in therapy and have realized that this isn't the best time for a romantic relationship. Any hope? Hopeful Dear Hopeful, Where there's hope there's life. If you enjoy his company, keep seeing him. Don't rush your feelings, though. Don't try to read ahead. You made the first overture and he said no. Now it's his turn. Dear Mr. Blue, I've done a really silly thing. I'm 30, in grad school, have been told I'm attractive, have dated plenty and now there's a man, a Ph.D. student, in one of my classes whom I've developed a huge crush on. We definitely made eye contact, but when class was over I panicked and walked right by him with a nonchalant "see ya!" I completely blew it, and since then I haven't been able to figure out a way to talk to him. I know I'll just kick myself if I don't find a way to talk to him. This is a grad-level psychology class; you'd think I'd be able to not act like a teenager! What's happening?? What should I do? Tongue-tied silly Dear tongue-tied, The delights of infatuation extend even to thirtysomethings, and the delights include stammering, blushing, confusion, the vapors, sleeplessness -- good for you that you're capable of such innocent pleasures. The people with the problem are the ones who don't react, sweetie, not the ones who do. What should you do? Walk over and talk to him about whatever's on your mind (other than him), and if there's an appropriate moment to say it, say, "How would you like to have _______ ?" ([a.] coffee [b.] a beer [c.] lunch [d.] a big romance). And if you can't bring yourself to do it, too bad for him. Dear Mr. Blue, I am a well-employed man, 34, and hope to be married, but I have noticed a pattern of monogamous long-term relationships. A woman pursues me, and I allow her into my life, feeling not really that interested. But it's better than being alone. A year goes by. Two. Three. I am neither in love nor really unhappy. Work takes most of my time. I do not make promises, and if the subject of marriage comes up I am honest. The most recent has been a very good friend. She would be a very steady mate. I truly like her and would almost rather sacrifice my hope of happiness than subject her to pain. (Somehow I think that would be less than the optimal proposal of marriage.) Do you have any advice? Does one need to hear bells to be happily married? Yawn Dear Yawn, You sound like a drone, to be perfectly frank, and a drone is not likely to fall head over heels in love. A drone needs to mate with another drone, and make a marriage of polite disinterest, in which the partners service each other sexually and do not interfere with each other's career trajectory. If you want to escape the drone existence, there are ways, but that's a separate problem; droning probably suits you well enough. If this seems severe, it's because your second sentence is so smug and reprehensible. If you had told these women the truth -- that you weren't really that interested but, heck, you'd allow them into your life, generous guy that you are -- they would have walked the other way. Don't even think about marrying this woman. Don't consider it for two minutes. If she is a good friend, you ought to warn her about yourself. Dear Mr. Blue, Re: MFA programs -- do the school names or ranking matter much toward getting published? I was accepted in a program this fall. Should I apply to a higher-ranked program for the following year? Intuition tells me to get over the politics of envy and just get the writing done. What's your opinion? Curious Dear Curious, The rankings of MFA programs as a factor in publication is a topic that interests me slightly less than the mating habits of cutworms. Maybe it matters in the publication of poems, there being so little demand for poetry, but I don't know, I don't care and neither should you. Be a writer, and leave strategy to politicians. Dear Mr. Blue, As of last November I had spent five years alone. Then, she came along. She said I was intriguing. She said I was warm and gentle. Soon, she said she loved me. And I loved her too. A month ago she said it was all a mistake. She said she wanted to love me but couldn't. Before all of this I was lonely, yes, but I was content. I had accepted that I might go through life alone. Now that calm has blown away. I am angry at her for misleading me, though grateful to her for waking up my heart. Now I'm torn. I don't want to risk love, but I don't want to risk loneliness either. Torn Dear Torn, You should be grateful to her. She did you good, as much as she could do, and then she chose not to deceive you, a second good turn. She didn't mislead you, she simply led you toward an adventure that couldn't be completed, and left you with some good memories, I trust. You can go through life alone and still have a wakeful heart. Whether you do, or whether you find someone else, cherish the memory of love. As someone once wrote: All of the lovers and the love they made, Nothing that was between them was a mistake. All that they did for love's sake Was not wasted and will never fade. Dear Mr. Blue, I can never tell whether a woman is interested in dating me, or just being friendly. Now I'm interested in a co-worker. She's beautiful, smart, funny and so friendly. How do I avoid making an unwelcome advance? Clueless in N.C. Dear Clueless, A workplace romance is tricky; you're sailing along a rocky shore indeed, and there are wrecks on that shore. If she is directed by you, if you're above her in the pecking order, it's especially tricky. Among colleagues, there often comes an atmosphere of trust and friendliness and emotional intimacy that is all very professional but that can easily be mistaken for something else. This is especially true for colleagues who must endure a good deal of stress: The intimacy is only to make life bearable. You should bend over backward to avoid making an advance. Let her make the advance. And make sure it's unmistakable. Dear Mr. Blue, I am at wits' end. I am 32, married to a wonderful 30-year-old woman. I think we have a good relationship, but there is one problem, and that, of course, is sex. She just isn't interested. When it happens, it is passionate, and she seems to enjoy it -- she says she does, but her libido is extremely low. Sex is very intermittent, less than once a month, and we've had a few unfortunate arguments on the subject. I know you can't convince someone they're in the mood, but what can you do? I love her very much, but the situation is making me unhappy and crazy. Desperate Dear Desperate, Anyone can sympathize with your unhappiness, but don't let unhappiness direct you. You know the old saying, "Women are looking for a reason to have sex, men are looking for a place." Don't confront, don't argue, don't discuss. Court her. Be kind. Be kind beyond kindness. And try to find a simple physical language, starting with hand holding and kissing and embracing, that brings you together in tenderness without pushing her. You can't push. You can't bully someone into loving you. It is all a matter of enticement, delicacy, intimation. The simple pleasure of touching, stroking, caressing is the start of it all, and perhaps you need to go back and rediscover that pleasure, not as a step toward an end but as a delight in and of itself. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm 65, but thanks to a good gene pool I look 50. I've been married three times and have had three serious living-together arrangements. I'm well educated and have been an engineer, a sales manager, a lawyer, a law school professor, a car salesman and so forth. Presently I am working off and on as a computer technician, wanting to be a writer but not writing, wanting a meaningful relationship but afraid that I will mess it up again. It has been two years since I dated or had sex. I left law when I started having heart attacks. I had quadruple bypass surgery two years ago, which solved that problem. But it seems to me that God has given me a pass, and now I want to spend my remaining years doing something meaningful and creative. Writing is something I do well, but the compulsion to write doesn't seem to be there for me. I lose interest quickly. I'm aware that my fear of rejection is what keeps me from initiating relationships or writing something creative. If I could figure out what to do, I'd "just do it." Bummed out Dear Bummed, A writer is not someone who wants to write. A writer is one who writes. Just as a swimmer is one who swims, not one who sits on the shore and imagines what it would be like. Life itself is good enough, without trying to force oneself into a calling. Living each day can be a meaningful and creative act. I am a writer who's written a ton of stuff, but I have friends who, though they've never published a word and whose obituaries will be shorter than mine, have led lives every bit as meaningful and creative. They are more aware than I, more generous, livelier, they only lack that little engine of ambition that propels some of us a little too hard. Don't covet a compulsion, don't try to outsmart the fear of rejection: Live as boldly as you can today and a little more boldly tomorrow. Courage. salon.com | June 8, 1999