Dear Mr. Blue,
I'm 28 years old. I recently left my hometown for a larger city after becoming involved with a co-worker at my last job. We started off as friends, but immediately there was a connection I've never experienced before. We were both in pretty awful relationships, and I ended mine and then decided to relocate, and he then ended his, and immediately after, we became involved, and WOW! I've had quite a few relationships and never dreamed that one could be this wonderful.
The problem is, I'm now over 2,000 miles away and we're still going strong. We met recently and decided we both want to get married. I've found a good job in this city -- my hometown is economically dead -- but he wants me to come back for a while to get married and wait for him to finish his degree in two years.
I still have student loans and other debts. I can't help but think I should stay for a while to make some money; I'm making twice what I made back home. He says that if money is the only thing keeping me, that he wants to help me financially. I've lived on my own and supported myself since I was 18, and I find I'm very conflicted about this. Maybe money isn't everything. Maybe life is too short to stay apart (it is so hard).
Plus, I know if the tables were turned I would do the same for him.
Undecided
Dear Undecided,
You'll do what your heart tells you to do, but since you ask me, I'd argue for staying where you are, earning some dough, paying debts and letting the romance simmer for a while. It costs you nothing to wait. (If this sounds like a dad talking, well, it is, but it's good advice.) Enjoy the romance; don't rush it to completion. It sounds as if this romance took place amid a good deal of personal tumult, yours and his, and it's not a bad idea to let time pass and allow the winds to die down. Test the romance at 2,000 miles for a while, and see how things go. And if you are going to marry, you'll want to be on as good financial footing as you can manage. You love him and he loves you, but you must make sure that you each mean the same thing by this. It's a bad sign if he tries too hard to maneuver you into returning. A very bad sign.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I was intrigued by your reply to "Wishy-Washy," that "indecision is a symptom of narcissism"; would you expand on that statement? It might help me to get past a recently broken heart, or at least to understand it better. And while I have your attention: Does love matter to anyone anymore? When did we stop believing in the power of love to transform us? Is it ridiculous to still believe this when you are almost 40?
Worldly
Dear Worldly,
The rest of us haven't stopped believing in the transforming power of love, and when you get over your broken heart, you may believe again too. On most days it seems like a lofty notion that doesn't have much to do with the price of oranges; it's seen more clearly when we look back at our life and the people we've loved and discern how this love has rescued us from narcissism and grounded us in reality. As for indecision, it's a common human failing and no doubt in specific cases is due to honest confusion (Would I rather go to the horseshoes tournament or to dinner with the Hooples?), but when indecision becomes a way of life and a person feels chronically becalmed and bewildered, I say you're taking yourself too seriously. You're missing out on playfulness, a necessary element. Play involves other people. If I sit in a room alone and stare at my big toe, I won't be able to decide if I'm a writer or what to write, but if I walk down the crowded avenue of literature, jostle with other writers, living and dead, compete in the dancing contest, sit down at the poker table, then I have a much clearer idea about myself and what I can do.
Dear Mr. Blue,
Is it OK to let a man buy me dinner when I'm quite sure I don't want to date him again?
Independent
Dear Independent,
I think you ought to buy him dinner, as a consolation. I mean, if he grabs the check, you don't need to wrestle him to the floor for it, but you ought to make a straightforward attempt to avoid being his guest. Unless he's loaded, of course, and then be sure to order the Malpeque oysters on the half shell, the 1988 Barolo, the aged filet mignon and a flaming custard, and when the bill arrives, push it gently toward him.
Dear Mr. Blue,
Oh God, I just turned 37, which seems much older than 36. For years, I've been writing songs and fronting a rock band without achieving much success. Now I feel too old for this biz, and too worn down to write. I have a relationship with a very sweet, kind, decent and intelligent man who is untormented by any failed-artist scenarios. I'm afraid to settle down with him for fear my life will turn into a deathly bore, and I'll feel hopelessly thwarted and unfulfilled. Once you've got the bug, can you make it go away? Is day-to-day contentment the enemy of creativity? Can I still rock?
Guitar Woman
Dear G.W.,
You are probably too old for the platinum end of the music biz, and have been for 20 years. That end is aimed at pre-teens and you, my dear, would only remind them of their mothers. Of course there are other levels and alcoves of the business that would be friendlier, but it sounds to me as if you need to think about your bug. The urge to perform is not necessarily an indication of talent, and every so often -- more often as you get older -- a person needs to reexamine these ambitions. Can you still rock? Of course you can. But it is a bruising business, the sort that a person should be prepared to walk away from at any time. Why don't you take a year off and rest? See if it doesn't help your writing. And see if you don't find other things to engage you. Such as this sweet guy, for example.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I'm 34. My father died six years ago, and a year later my girlfriend broke up with me. I was cautious about meeting someone new but eventually did and everything was great at the start. We had taken time to get to know each other really well first. After a while she said she no longer felt attracted to me. We continued to see each other for a while, to see if things would improve. Finally she broke up with me. She said I was a great guy and there was nothing wrong with me, but if that's true then why leave?
Now I don't know if I can trust another woman or even trust my own feelings. I was sure it was going to work out with us. I don't think I can take another failed relationship. What am I doing wrong?
Shaken
Dear Shaken,
You've just gone through a rejection and you should take it strictly as that -- one woman saying no -- and not as a general judgment. She is not the voice of the universe, so don't take it so hard. Move forward and put this behind you. You don't know if you can trust another woman? Good sir, you haven't even met that woman, the one you're not sure you can trust. Meet her and get to know her and see for yourself. And there's nothing wrong with your feelings: You're just bleeding a little. A person learns so much from failed relationships, and who knows? You may need more education, but I wish you well.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I divorced three years ago and since then have had to dedicate most of my life to my two children who were badly affected by the changes. I teach at the university level and am getting a Ph.D. But I have practically no friends. I can't afford baby sitters, the kids have homework every evening, etc. I'm happy during the school semester because I'm always busy. But when the children go with their dad for vacations, I have nothing to do but work. It gets lonely. Any advice?
Caught
Dear Caught,
It's awfully lonely, and good for you that your work keeps you occupied, but of course you must find some friends. Preferably some who are in the same boat you're in, I would think. Any sizable city would have groups of like-situated people (e.g., Parents Without Partners), and you might check them out. And what about your colleagues? Is there nobody among your fellow grad students who seems interesting to know? Make some room in your busy life for companionship. No need for baby sitters. Train your kids to let Mama have some friends over for supper. Whomp up some spaghetti and open a bottle of cheap wine and sit around and talk.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I notice a great many letters to you from people dissatisfied with the frequency with which they copulate. I have been married for eight years to a sweet, funny, charming man whom I love deeply, and who returns my feelings. We work in the same office and spend most of our time together. We have never had a serious argument. However, our schedule for lovemaking is not nearly as crowded as those of some of your other correspondents. We seem to be at the bottom of the curve. Should we be eating more oysters or watching X-rated movies in the tub, or is curling up together and sleeping like two old dogs reward in itself?
Satisfied (or so I thought)
Dear Satisfied,
There was a man who went to a therapist to talk about his marriage, and the therapist asked him how often he had sex with his wife. "Once a year," he said. The therapist expressed sympathy and the man grinned and said, "But tonight's the night." As we say, it isn't a contest, and every marriage is different, and whatever makes two people happy is strictly their business, and I wish you two old dogs many happy years of curling up together and sleeping.
About the writer
Garrison Keillor is the host of the weekly radio show "Prairie Home Companion" and the author of "Me by Jimmy (Big Boy) Valente, as told to Garrison Keillor." For more columns by Keillor, visit his column archive.
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