Dear Mr. Blue,

Only twice in my life have I met a guy with whom I've felt a true connection. I was too young to appreciate the first; the second I met a month ago. We bonded immediately, began spending a lot of time together. The problem is he has a long-term on-and-off-again girlfriend. Even though they're now "off," I told him I couldn't relax and get to know him without imagining the day he went back to her. He said he understood, that he really liked me too but didn't know me well enough to make a decision. I broke it off with him and now I'm miserable. Did I do the right thing?

Mopey in Minnesota

Dear Mopey,

You saved yourself a lot more misery trying to help Old On-and-Off with his baggage. A romance is not a competition. Let him figure out that girlfriend by himself. Look for No. 3 and let O&O be miserable about losing lovely you.

Dear Mr. Blue,

What a mess. I'm a 42-year-old mother of two, married for 16 years to an antisocial, obsessive/compulsive man who criticizes and belittles me constantly. I pay him back in kind. Almost from the start, I knew I'd made a mistake, but I lacked the courage to leave. Our marriage has been rather hollow for years. I've endured rather than enjoyed sex with him. For as long as I remember we've diminished rather than enhanced one another. Nine months ago I began a love affair with a younger man (36), also married, also with children. The relationship developed gradually from friendship to the sweetest and most passionate of romances. Two weeks ago he confessed everything to his wife and left her in the hope I would join him, which I want to do with all my heart. But I fear that leaving would destroy my husband, who basically has no one but me. I want a new life, shared with this wonderful man I love. But I fear destroying my husband or awakening a streak of latent vindictiveness in him that I've seen occasionally and that I fear will be turned on me and my children. Your thoughts? Torn

Dear Torn,

What a mess indeed, but be brave and press forward. You strike me as honest, and I accept your assessment that you and your husband are dug deep into your trenches and you see no way to reconcile. This must be a lousy environment for your children: I assume they're in early adolescence, a time when one has a hard row of one's own to hoe without your parents going over the edge. I feel that, for your children's sake, you should not run out the door, which is what your heart tells you to do. Call a truce with your husband, if you haven't already. Tell him you're tired of the bickering. Withdraw from him as civilly as possible; sleep in another room, don't sit down to meals with him. Explain that the hostility is exhausting you, both his hostility and your own, and you need to take a break from it. You need to be polite for a while. Tell him you're willing to see a counselor with him, but you're not willing to engage in any discussion with him that has a bitter or negative tone. Take a polite tone with him and see what tack he takes. Your goal is to get him to talk to you about the marriage in some calm and levelheaded way -- not to agree with you but to be respectful toward you, and eventually to see your point of view and, if you go through with it, to accept the end of the marriage. This may take time. But if, by vindictiveness, you mean violence, then that's different. At the first sign, the first threat, of violence, call in the cops, take the kids, flee and deal with the wreckage later. I wish you well.

Dear Mr. Blue,

A woman I was having an intense relationship with for six months ended it abruptly and with little comment two months ago, on the phone. I was very hurt, but this stuff happens. I asked to speak to her in person to simply say a few last words, and finally, after six weeks, she called and chatted, almost as if nothing had happened. She said she had avoided me for fear that she'd want to get back together again. She quickly added, however, that her busy life would not permit any kind of serious relationship. Still, she cheerfully agreed to meet the next night. And then she blew me off. Ouch. I left one more request on her message machine to meet with her. She called and left a message saying I was annoying her and I should let her have her space. Even in my worst breakup scenarios in the past, no one has ever refused to talk to me. Any advice for going through the closure process solo if the other person refuses to participate? Is closure even necessary?

Bewildered

Dear Bewildered,

Consider yourself closed. Or closured. Don't try to talk to someone who doesn't care to talk to you. The way to go through the closure process is to go back to the dance and enjoy being with someone who is eager to talk with you, who smiles at the sight of your face. Life is strenuous and happens quickly and we can't always stop and get our scrapbooks in order and hold hands and hum the eternal chord and exchange mantras and coordinate auras or whatever closure involves. I say, forget that phone number. It's busy.

Dear Mr. Blue,

Two years ago, my beautiful poet broke up with me after several passionate, wonderful years together. We grew apart when I became an entrepreneur and lost my credibility with the slacker poet crowd. I thought I was being mature and sensible by letting her go. But now I regret not following my heart.

The new woman in my life is wholesome, funny and generous, but she just isn't the beautiful poet. And now the b.p. is back in my life. My heart dares me to pursue her again. Reason suggests I let it be.

I'm almost 30, want to have children, a peaceful home, dreams my new woman shares with me. But must I live a life without poetry?

Papa

Dear Papa,

Sounds like a mutual thing -- she broke up with you, you let her go. In what sense is she back in your life? Is she pursuing you? Or do you simply see her across a crowded room at poetry seances? "Wholesome, funny and generous" strikes me as a tepid review of the New Woman. So I'd let things drift along here for another year or two. No sudden lurches. If the Beautiful Poet should write a poem to you, write it out by hand on fine parchment and give it to you, and if you like the poem, and if it strikes you as romantic, then consider taking up with her. But poets are notoriously poor bets in marriage. Even if you get one who isn't wildly self-destructive, she is certain to write about you someday and this will not necessarily be flattering. Think about it, Papa. There are beautiful, wacko, grim, needy poets who can make a man long for the wholesome, the funny and the generous.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I'm in love with my best friend. When we first got to know each other, I had a girlfriend, she had a boyfriend. Then she moved away. Now, five years later, for career reasons, she moved back and we're neighbors again and unattached.

I have this incredible urge to tell her my feelings, but I don't want to alienate her. I want to do the right thing, but suppressing all these emotions is slowly killing me. She hasn't lived here long, she just broke up with a guy and her job is quite stressful. She used to talk about us being an item, back when she was far away, but I feel now that maybe she doesn't want to deal with the reality of it.

Just Friends

Dear Just,

If you're afraid a declaration of love might spook her, your hunch is probably right. Just be her friend, be kind, be helpful, be present, don't hurl yourself at her and let your feelings emerge naturally, which they will in due course. It isn't a corporate merger, you don't need to put out a press release; it's a sweet romance, let it sneak up on you.

Dear Mr. Blue,

Why is it when anyone writes to you and mentions being fat your first response is to tell them to lose weight? Most fat people have tried to lose weight, usually to no avail. That perpetual struggle is soul-crushing misery.

In my experience, the best thing I've ever done for myself was learn to love me the way I am and watch how well my newfound self-confidence attracts people around me. Can you try to imagine a happy, healthy fat person, please?

Large and Lovely

Dear L&L,

You got it, I can imagine it. The people who mentioned obesity to me, however, struck me as feeling sad or queasy about it. I proposed change because they seemed to yearn for it. I believe in people changing their lives. People do it all the time: quit drinking, change their eating habits, become vegetarians, switch parties, quit jobs, move cross-country, fall head-over-heels in love with unlikely people, have religious visions and follow them, and God bless and good luck. I also believe in accepting one's lot and being grateful and content. And I know plenty of unhappy size 6s.

Dear Mr. Blue,

Do you have any proven methods for better balancing family, work, writing? As a 30-year-old mom of a 5-year-old, I work approximately 55 hours a week outside the home to pay the mortgage, buy the food and clothes. I spend the rest of my time with the husband and child doing fun family stuff or the not-fun family stuff if the laundry needs to be done.

Stretched Thin

Dear Stretched,

If I gave you any advice whatsoever on this, my wife would laugh herself silly. All I can say is, you can't write well when you're tired. You can be tired and be with your family and often they'll revive you. As for paid work, it can be carnivorous these days; the pace gets faster, the demands heavier and you simply cannot give your loyalty to a company or organization that wants to eat your flesh. A 55-hour workweek is not supportable over the long run by anyone with a family, I don't care who it is. We are not immortals. End of homily. Go in peace.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I'm a 41-year-old woman, living in Washington, D.C. While I truly enjoy my life and interesting work, friends and family, I feel lonely for romance and marriage. Is it too late for me? I have always attracted, and been attracted to, younger men not interested in marriage. Now I've begun dating a much younger man, again, who is lovely but doesn't yet know how old I am. At the same time I have become intensely attracted to a married man my own age. We spent a night together not long ago. I feel guilty about it but also excited. My personal life is a mess. What should I do? I feel the need to chart a new course but sometimes feel like I am too old and have missed the boat.

Marooned

Dear Marooned,

No, it's not too late for you. You're not sitting in your bathrobe, eating cherry creams, weeping into a hanky, you're out there leading what most people would consider a darned adventurous life. Is it a mess? OK, if you say so. For starters, don't get wrapped up in the married man: This is a reef on which many women's ships have crashed. Court the lovely younger man, and keep your eyes open for any other prospects. You're not marooned at all. You're in heavy traffic.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I'm 27, married to a great guy, doing well except for one thing. Ten years ago my parents forced me to give up my first love. I still have friends who hang out with him, so I know what's going on in his life. I have a lot of anxiety wondering if I should've fought my parents to return to him. I seek closure and want to know if the passion that has grown mythic in my mind is indeed the reality. What the heck do I do?

Star-Crossed Lover

Dear Star-Crossed,

This is an itch, and if you scratch it, it will bleed, and if you keep on scratching, it will get infected, and if you keep scratching, your arm will fall off. Forget about closure. As you go through life, you'll accumulate other sorrows and regrets that maybe won't close up and wrap themselves in ribbons either. Every so often you'll think about these hurts, and years later you'll still be able to weep over them. And you just shoulder your musket and soldier on.

Dear Mr. Blue,

After a series of lousy lovers, I took time off and forgot men for a while and it's been great. I've found out a lot about myself. But it's also been years since I've enjoyed so much as one good kiss.

There is a guy who's been pursuing me, sort of, who's very clear about what he wants -- an occasional pizza, maybe a movie and lots of sex. I want candlelight dinners, backpacking trips in the wilderness, long conversations about what "breaks the frozen sea within us." I want a relationship with someone who's smart and caring and laughs at my jokes. Mr. Pursuer tells me I'm naive.

Part of me knows he's wrong, another part of me is starved for physical affection and wonders if a brief interlude might tide me over until a more suitable gent comes along.

Torn between Sex and Romance

Dear Torn,

This guy who is very clear what he wants and thinks you're naive not to want the same thing he wants needs to be sent away. You're a lovely woman. If you are starved for physical affection, bestow it on someone who is surprised and gratified by it, not on someone who is bargaining for it. And don't give up on the idea of candlelight dinners and backpacking trips and long conversations. Don't abandon the prospect of these lovely things. Let him have the pizza to himself.

Dear Mr. Blue,

A friend of mine has asked me for advice on her unusual romantic situation. She is a smashing young woman with a good career, nice home, two small children, and she's being courted by a scrupulously religious young man who refuses to have sex with her unless she seduces him, and then he feels remorseful afterward. This has happened three times in a couple of months. Aside from this he appears to be an admirable fellow, attentive, career-minded, stable and hardworking, and good with her children.

I do not quite understand this young man. If he were banging her 19 to the dozen and feeling remorse, I'd say, "Marry him, and knock yourselves out." I don't see how a healthy man in his early 20s can put his religious scruples ahead of pleasing this young woman. I believe that if she marries him she will find herself disappointed in their sex life after marriage, and taking second place to his religious observance.

Dubious

Dear Dubious,

The scrupulous young man is an admirable character, and it's to his credit that he is loyal to your friend, even though she has managed to overcome his scruples. A person of his scruples might very well turn his back on her, but he hasn't. He must be in love with her. As for their prospects as a married couple, I can't say and neither can you. I do believe that when it comes to sex in marriage, religious people are no more restrained than anyone else, and may be less so. It's hard to tell, religious people being so circumspect about this aspect of their lives. I have the impression that deeply religious people, within marriage, screw with fabulous abandon and do it 23 to the dozen, but that's only my impression.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I'm 24, dating a 21-year-old girl who I think drinks too much. It's not that she drinks all that often, but when she does it means at least a four-beer session. It makes me feel alienated and sober. I've asked her why she was drinking so much and she blew up on me and told me it was my problem that I couldn't accept it. So what constitutes a drinking problem? And how does one go about asking his or her partner to cut down?

Put Off

Dear Put Off,

Four beers once in a while doesn't strike me as a problem. I don't think there's any good way for you to reform your partner, but I frankly don't see the problem. You are only dating this girl, you're not her guardian. Lighten up.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I recently finished writing my first short story, which gave me a thrill and a confidence in my ability. Then I read a New Yorker review of a young woman's very self-referential art exhibit, and the reviewer scared me when he wrote that her work had "the merits and flaws" of many first novels in its "woozy perspective of the first-person format, along with its sympathetic pull."

My work resembles this artist's only in that it's about the experience of a late-20s woman: me. There's no sympathy-seeking. Nonetheless, this guy has silenced me for a week! I had a great idea for another story in the first person; then I read his review and now I feel pre-chastised. I need advice on defending my voice from the specter of Lord God King Monster Critic. Please help!

28 1/2

Dear 28 1/2,

Critics are meant to put the fear of God in you, and this one succeeded. Bully for him. You've been pre-chastised (great term you coined), and so you pause for a moment, you say a prayer and then you plunge into your new story. His review could easily be applied to Joyce's "Portrait of the Artist" or 300 other great literary works. Your voice doesn't need to be defended; it only needs to be directed toward the reader who is going to pick up your book. Think less about him, and more about her.

Dear Mr Blue,

I've a moral conundrum.

I've been very close friends with a young woman for seven years. She and I have a deep emotional attachment that has existed despite both of us being sexually unavailable. She's also very attractive.

Our relationship has developed over love of words -- good, meaningful conversation, swapping journals, sharing poetry. Recently, she's sending readings with an amorous bent, including some suggestive but unexplicit journal entries.

She's married, and I'm not in a serious relationship right now. Last week she called, expressed her love for me and wants me to become her lover.

She laid it on the line: Become lovers or the friendship ends now. I hate to lose her as my friend, but breaking up her marriage is something I'm not prepared to do, despite finding her sexually attractive.

But this situation has really stimulated my writing. The frustration this has engendered is helping out a novel I've been working on although I'm not describing the actual situation in the novel.

What to do?

Bewildered in Batavia

Dear Bewildered,

Write the book. Ignore the ultimatum. Good for her that she's stimulated your writing. Pursue the writing. The woman is jerking your chain. Sure, she's sexually attractive. Good for her. Pass this one up. Write the book.