Dear Mr. Blue,
I have an obsessive crush on the best friend of my girlfriend of four years whom I still love dearly. My girlfriend knows about my feelings and said she wouldn't believe I was truly heterosexual if I didn't feel this way about her friend. Weird, right?
Now the best friend wants to apartment-hunt with us. We're all 23 and poor in an expensive city, and a minage ` trois makes monetary sense. My girlfriend, however, is oblivious to the fact that my lust for her friend is boundless, and I'm worried that things could get ugly if this comes out once we're all on the same lease. At the same time, the prospect of the woman I have and the woman I want together with me under the same roof is hopelessly tantalizing.
Am I a total cad or am I legitimately muddled? I know my problem might seem trivial, but it's scary growing into love and finding that there don't seem to be any rules about the right or wrong way to do it.
Naked in New York
Dear Naked,
What we have here is the beginning of a great sitcom, or a novel, a real page turner, and only you can decide whether you want to live a novel. The reader assumes that one outcome will be your girlfriend running screaming into the Manhattan night, but who can say? Maybe you'll surprise us. If you do rent an apartment with these two, be sure to keep a detailed daily journal. You owe this to yourself. It'll make great reading when you're 50. And it might help you steer your way as a young sheik with a harem in Manhattan. As for right and wrong, it's best for you to learn by experience. You're 23. Why should you listen to the advice of a 56-year-old guy out in the soybean field? You're on your own, pal. Enjoy the suspense.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I'm 27, have a great job, nice house, good friends. I feel very lucky. However, my last relationship was six months ago. A week ago I ran into my ex and felt all of the things that I had felt before. Her face and smile were just radiant. We have always been on good terms. The reason we're no longer together is that I wasn't ready for such a commitment. I wanted to experience life on my own for a while. I can't stop thinking about her and think that maybe I'd like to see her again. My friends are warning me against this behavior. What can I do to see if the time is right?
Confused, but ready to be serious
Dear Confused,
You don't seem confused at all; you seem bent on courting this radiant woman. Do you need my permission? You have it. She sounds wonderful. Why should you pass up the chance to romance someone you can't stop thinking about?
Dear Mr. Blue,
I am a 27-year-old single woman. I have been close friends with a 25-year-old guy for over two years now. I have, on occasion, entertained the idea of us becoming physical, but it's always been more out of curiosity than anything else. We are at different stages in our lives, and I seriously doubt we could ever make it as a couple. Besides, we're like siblings. Several weeks ago, I went to visit him and some other friends who were working out of town. We had dinner and drinks and soaked in the nightlife, and I ended up sleeping in his bed at the hotel because it was late and I knew there was no chance of any funny business. Boy, was I wrong. We agreed that this would never happen again and went out to breakfast like nothing was wrong.
Ever since then, he won't return my calls. Normally we talk at least four to five times a week when he's out of town. I'm afraid this has ruined our friendship, which I value greatly. What's going on with him? Why is he avoiding me? What should I do?
Confused in Carolina
Dear Confused,
He's even more confused than you. That's why he's avoiding you. You shouldn't do anything. Sit tight. You have no apologies to make, nothing to explain. You are innocent. Be cool. This is his problem. Entirely. Let him get over it. If he can't, then he is much too fragile and not worth your time.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I'm married to a wonderful man, have a great job, wonderful friends, good health, etc. A few years ago, my dad unceremoniously dumped my mom for a younger woman -- a long, sordid, ugly tale full of lies that did a number on my siblings and me, not to mention my mom (we have the counseling bills to prove it). Anyway, my dad is still involved with this woman, enjoying a high-roller lifestyle unlike anything our family ever had together. For quite a while after my dad first left, he hid the relationship from "the kids," as even he was obviously embarrassed by it. And now he has flip-flopped, wants us to embrace his girlfriend and is pressuring me to visit them and stay at their home. (We live at opposite ends of the country.) We're now supposed to be adults about the whole thing, forgive, forget and all be friends. My relationship with my dad is still very strained, and I just don't know if I can handle this. I am very close with my mother, so I feel a little like a traitor.
In a world of moral relativism, I feel like the last holdout. People I love and respect have very mixed reactions and throw up their hands on this one. What do you think?
Daddy's little 31-year-old
Dear 31,
You're entitled to your feelings, but don't reject your dad. Try to be in touch with him in a way that lets you be fairly honest and also be affectionate. Try to let him get past this jerky stage of his life. Defend him to your siblings, if you can. Be sweet. You don't need to go visit him and his girlfriend if it makes you feel bad. Keep a loose connection for a while, talk to him on the phone, remember his birthday, send him a Christmas card, send him pictures of your kids. Let some time pass.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I'm a lawyer, and recently I've rediscovered an old love, fiction writing, and I'm toying with fragments that might make a good novel.
Once I sit down and start writing, the words flow with great ease. I can draft six pages of my novel in about two hours, though I always tinker with it afterward. Because it comes to me so easily, I'm certain it must be truly awful stuff. My friends and family who read my work say nice things but then they love me. I'm sure I must truly be terrible and this makes it very difficult for me to proceed. I'm losing the battle to get myself to the keyboard. Months will go by without so much as a journal entry. Yet I have a tremendous desire to turn my talents to something besides law, of which I grow weary. And I am very happy when I'm actually writing. How can I gain the confidence I need to tap away more often?
Cinderella
Dear Cinderella,
Confidence is an elusive goal for a writer. I don't know many writers who have attained it. I haven't. Confidence comes, if it comes at all, from the material you're dealing with. I've never felt confident writing about myself, but have felt very bold putting forward the lives and thoughts of other people. You are suffering the tremors of a true writer. Don't ignore the feeling, don't obey the feeling. Just forge ahead.
Dear Mr. Blue,
After reading your columns I believe I am more fortunate than most. I am 89 years old. Excellent health. More assets than I will ever need, many good friends. Can find no fault with children, grandchildren or great-grandchildren. Had a good marriage for 53 years. Traveled everywhere in the world that we wanted to go. Still find life very good. You needn't answer, just wanted you to know there are some without problems.
Grandma Bess
Dear Grandma Bess,
There's a fly in the ointment somewhere and if you sit down and think about it, you'll find it, and if you ponder it for a while, you can work yourself up into a lather and then write back and Mr. Blue will address it. Start with those grandchildren. Isn't there at least one bad apple in that barrel? I'm sure there is. And be glad for it. It's the children with problems whom you love the most.
Dear Mr. Blue,
My boyfriend and I, both 28, have been together seven years. People were surprised when we became a couple. I'm sort of a free spirit, he's very cautious. I had hoped he'd learn to relax and enjoy life more. But it hasn't happened that way. I find myself curbing my exuberance and becoming more like him. We've been having the same argument for too long. I can't bear to spend the rest of my life fighting a losing battle.
His job sent him abroad for a month. He was miserable. I was sad to see my time alone end when he came home.
He's a good man; I often feel he deserves to be with someone better than me. His greatest fear is that I will one day leave him. He wants to get married but knows I will say no. He believes we were meant to be together. I used to hope that he was right.
Recently, I have become attracted to another good man who I'm sure reciprocates the interest. I think about him constantly and imagine what a relationship with him would be like. It's the high point of my week to see him for a couple of hours. If he were to ask me to run away with him, I think I'd leave in a moment. He's shined a great big light on what I've been trying to ignore about my current relationship. Can you tell me what it is I'm feeling for this acquaintance? Do my boyfriend and I still have anything worth fighting for? How do I know if it's time to move on? Should I move on?
Feeling like a soap opera
Dear Feeling,
It's hard to do what you've got to do, kid, but when your boyfriend came home after a month away and you felt bad to see him, that's not right, and you can't make it right. You're living with him out of habit. Your being a free spirit and his being cautious isn't the issue: It's that feeling in the pit of your stomach that you can't ignore. My advice is to stop arguing and start bringing this old relationship to a decent and civil end. Don't use the new guy as a lever; square things with the boyfriend yourself. Maybe you could write him a letter and give it to him and let him read it in your presence and then sit and hold your hand and talk, and you can tell him just what you told me, except do tell him about the good times too. It's painful to be dumped by your lover; it's too painful by far to stick with someone whose homecoming you don't look forward to.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I carved out a slice from Chapter One of my book (autobiographical fiction) and shipped it to two major journals. It is some of my best writing and has won an award for outstanding writing, and part has already been published by a literary mag. Alas, both journals rejected the work. Help. My confidence is flagging.
Florida Cracker
Dear Cracker,
The fact that two impotent, alcoholic editors of two cheesy rags turned down your work is of no moment, like being attacked by houseflies. I don't know who the two are, but I do know that they're limp reeds in literature, pitiful hulks of intellects ravaged by too many martinis and prime-rib dinners, and you should take those rejection slips and put them on the back of your toilet and think about them as you pass water. Don't be discouraged by rejection by pygmies like them, be honored. Courage. Sail on.
Dear Mr. Blue,
My live-in boyfriend and I have a problem: holidays. We've always each spent holidays with our own families, but last year, after three years of dating, I went to his parents' home in Pennsylvania for Thanksgiving. This year, my family is having a reunion in Florida for Christmas, and my boyfriend was invited to attend. At first he was hesitant, thinking his mother wouldn't understand, but then he agreed to spend T-day with his family and Xmas with mine. Now, with the tickets bought, he is still prickly about the Christmas trip and says his mom will be sadder without him than I will be happy with him. I think it's unfair of him to pit his mother's emotional needs against mine; what should we do?
Confused in NYC
Dear Confused,
What you should do is not have this argument. It's like crossing a minefield to capture a hill you don't even want. You lose a leg and bleed all over the ground, and for a prize you get to spend Christmas with a morose person. If he wants to spend Christmas with his mom, let him cash in his ticket. You go to Florida. He's a big boy, he can decide what to do.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I'm 30 and have a boyfriend whom I love dearly. He is creative and handsome and considerate; the problem is, he doesn't stimulate me intellectually. It wasn't a problem until I met an older man -- someone I approached about being a mentor to me -- who is very intelligent, well-traveled and a successful writer. He also happens to be attracted to me. I've become infatuated with the mentor; we live in different cities so the complications from having an affair have so far been avoided. I'm tempted to run off with this older man, who represents everything I feel is lacking in my life. It's risky in many ways, but our connection is so intense that I'd be a fool to ignore it. At the same time, I'm terrified of leaving my boyfriend -- I still love him, and I don't want to hurt him. I'm also afraid that our mutual friends would take his side, so I'd be losing my social circle as well. I'm torn between adventure and security. I want both. Is there a way for me to have my cake and eat it too?
On the Fence in SF
Dear On the Fence,
Mad impulses strike each of us. We just have to deal with them, that's all. I have an impulse to become a saloon singer, which I feel would fill the empty places in my life. So far I haven't done this. The part I don't understand is about your going to an older writer and asking him to be your mentor. Do people really do this? Am I just hopelessly dumb? No attractive 30-year-old ever walked up to me and asked me to mentor her. Is it because my eyebrows are too bushy? Am I not well-traveled? OK, forget about that. I'll work through that myself. As for your question about cake, it strikes me as cunning, as does your letter, and it strikes me that what is lacking in your life is knowledge of yourself. You don't need to ask anybody's permission to run off with your mentor and have a mad romance in Tuscany and fulfill each other totally, fully, ultimately, and lead a delirious life among the vineyards. I think the successful writer may have violated the code of the American Mentoring Association, but that's his problem.
Dear Mr. Blue,
My boyfriend and I have been living together for three years, and with each passing day we get closer and further apart. We're like family -- caring, affectionate, concerned for one another -- but there's no romance. I'm much more like his sister than his lover. I often fantasize about rekindling an old relationship (which I know is a bad idea).
How does one go about solving this? Do I poke my current mate in the ribs and make him start being romantic again (whatever that means)? Finding myself a new lover sure is tempting, but it'll take forever to develop the comfort level I have with my "brother."
Sibling in Silicon Valley
Dear Sibling,
What comfort level are you talking about? You don't seem comfortable to me, you seem dissatisfied and restless. Maybe you're reluctant to cause pain to a good person, which is an inevitable thing in life but something one naturally shrinks from. As for poking him in the ribs, you know better than I if his ribs are erogenous or not. Let me raise a hypothetical: What if your live-in brother told you tomorrow that he thinks he prefers men to women? Would that send you screaming and weeping to a therapist? I doubt it. I think you could tell him that you're thinking about finding a lover, and if he really cares about you and if he's in touch with reality, he'd deal with it. We don't own each other, you know. We're only lent, and on certain terms. He isn't holding up his end of the deal.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I just turned 37, and suddenly realized that -- damn! -- I forgot to get married and have kids.
My banal question is: How does a reasonably smart, reasonably pretty woman meet a mate in the big city? I've had long-term relationships, and when I was younger it was never any work to find a boyfriend. But these days, most men my age or older are already married.
Being a man, you must know how to locate others of your species.
Mateless in Manhattan
Dear Mateless,
At 37 you're probably not going to find a fresh, crisp one; probably you're going to pick one up off the floor, where he lies weeping and wounded from his divorce. He'll be older than you, maybe 10 or 15 years older, and he won't see you as reasonably smart and pretty, he'll see you as Athena and Aphrodite. On his good days. On his bad days, he'll weep in his beer over the crummy way he treated Mildred and Timmy and Trish. He'll be a little wobbly, like a bicycle with a bent frame. He'll be terribly grateful for you. I don't know if he'll want to have kids or not. Not at first, but maybe as a favor to you. You won't find this guy by searching for him. He'll find you, probably through a friend. Let your friends know what you're thinking. Meanwhile, enjoy Manhattan.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I'm surprised and shocked that you've made a mistake in your advice. You shouldn't be advising a woman to spend time alone with a married man. I have come to the point where I won't even take a female co-worker to lunch without another co-worker present. Let's face it, solitary conversations are an intimacy. That intimacy can easily grow into something else. If marriage means something, the line must be drawn somewhere. This is mine. No intimate lunches. It has prevented lots of problems and I honestly wish I'd started this many years ago.
Wiser
Dear Wiser,
Good for you. But I'm glad to have lunch now and then with another woman, not secretly or intimately, just a lunch on a sunny terrace in St. Paul, Minn., that I'd be very happy if my wife walked by and sat down and joined us. I love to talk to women. I don't see a reason to erect fences around the lunch. Of course, a lunch between me and another woman is intimate. I don't see intimacy as being necessarily sexual. I see it as necessary to friendship, and if my friendships were limited to men, I'd feel crippled.
Dear Mr. Blue,
I am 23, single for about, well, 23 years. Sure, I've had a few brief flings, but nothing substantial. Never had a high-school sweetheart. Never even succeeded in asking a woman out for dinner. I've tried to avoid one-nighters, and the result is that I've had absolutely no luck at all. Most of the time I have no problem with this, but sometimes I get a little antsy about it and try to be a little more aggressive and ask women out. And then I screw up all over the place. Either I wait too long to ask, or I ask too soon. Often I misread their signals. Or my higher cognitive functions shut down entirely and ask the Wrong Woman, like a psychopath for example.
I have no trouble at all having good old-fashioned friendships with women. Some of my best friends are female. Am I sending bad signals to women I'm interested in? Or just unlucky? I'm happy being single, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life that way. Then again it's hard to ignore the repeating patterns that are emerging.
Antsy
Dear Antsy,
Ask one of your old-fashioned friendly women for advice. Maybe you have bad timing. Maybe you have weird hair. Or bad breath. Maybe there is a small chunk of food on your upper lip. Get a friendly woman to check you out, and then go mill in the crowd. You're a young guy, and there's nothing wrong with your not having had a steady sweetheart or asked someone out to dinner. You're eager and hopeful and that's what's important. Don't brood. Be happy about the company of women, and something will happen.
unpacking my life
Their Father is a Transsexual Woman
The plight of the single, middle-aged newcomer in Smalltown
The blank page and me. (more writer's block horror)
October 25, 2002