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case dismissed
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July 20, 1999 | a man i've met twice has e-mailed me an entire collection of his poetry. i was
deeply moved by many of the poems, which were of a very personal
nature. but it strikes me as strange a person would disclose something
so personal to someone he hardly knows -- namely me. is this a sign he is interested and
wants to pursue something? friends have told me i tend
to take affairs of the heart too seriously, so i want to be careful not
to let my heart fall too quickly this time around. but i find myself
being drawn to him already just by reading his poetic verses. and did i
mention he e-mailed me a recent picture of himself as well? how should i
interpret his motives? wooed and confused Dear wooed, Women who write in all lower-case letters should be extremely cautious about
romance. They can develop a crush on a cabdriver in the course of six blocks. They can fall
for the meter man or the pizza delivery boy. They even fall for a Jehovah's Witness now and
then. Poets are generally a bad risk (the men, not the women). Just look at the record. No
woman should consider hooking up with a poet unless you have a full-time staff to help out.
As for this guy, anyone who e-mails you his entire oeuvre plus a recent picture is trying too
hard by half. If you really think you'd like to pursue things with him, e-mail him back and
say, "Thank you very much for your poetic work. I found it, on the whole, to be very
personal and quite capable, except for a few little things here and there that struck me as
self-conscious in a particularly weaselly way." I mean, if the guy can't take criticism, if he
isn't interested in your opinion, then delete him. Dear Mr. Blue, I am a young woman, married for a couple of years to a man whom I absolutely adore, and who adores me back. He is everything I could ask for
in a husband: sensitive, supportive, strong where I'm weak and sexy as hell. I met him
when I was just leaving school and entering a career that is, shall we say, potentially very
lucrative for those who are good at what they do. And now my annual income is well into
six digits, while his is in the respectable low- to mid-five. My husband has been wonderful
and very supportive of my career, but he does seem to feel some small tension that I do
not wish to exacerbate. When we discuss it, he simply says that he
doesn't want to become a "kept man," with me supplying the lion's share
of the money to buy the nice house and slightly indulgent car. At the
same time, while I give a fair amount of my extra money to good causes
and save much of the rest, I see no reason not to use money we've got
anyway. I can understand how he feels, and I want to be sensitive to
that, but I'm not sure exactly how to handle the situation. Any
suggestions? Concerned in Colorado Dear Concerned, Like any learning situation, this takes time. He'll learn that you love him
for his own sweet self and so it doesn't matter if you pay for the mansionette and the BMW
and the condo in Aspen, and you'll learn that if you have a guy who's this good, the
mansionette isn't important. Give it some time, salt the money away, focus on enjoying each
other, postpone this argument and over time the tension will abate, if indeed he is not
jealous of you and opposed to your career. Mr. Blue Garrison Keillor's column appears every Tuesday in Salon Books.
Feeling blue about your prose? In the doldrums over your last date? Ask Mr. Blue. Dear Mr. Blue, How do I get my husband to get a vasectomy? Tired of Pills Dear Tired, You tell him that you are passing the torch of contraception to him, and he can choose between condoms and a vasectomy and the Vatican Rag. The condom is no man's idea of pleasure. A vasectomy is somewhat scary in the abstract, but in point of fact is not a major procedure. Some men faint at the thought, others will shoulder their muskets and march. See what sort of man you have. Dear Mr. Blue, Four years ago I met a wonderful man at work. We started dating; then suddenly last August, something hit me like a bus and I claimed him as my own. We were together for six months and absolutely worshipped each other. But we both suffer from chronic depression. Despite our love, we argued quite often; finally, when he growled at me one morning, I got flustered and hurled my breakfast plate. He broke up with me. That was six months ago. I have since sought treatment for my depression, and he hasn't. He told me recently that he is still deeply in love with me. We both want to be together, but he says that he can't heal his depression with me in the picture. I'm almost 30 and I've never met anyone I've so adored. But I'm a more determined person that he is. Am I a fool to think he'll ever recover and come back to me? In Suspense Dear Suspense The man you adore is not, unfortunately, running on all six cylinders, and you have to accept him as he is, as he offers himself, and right now he doesn't want to be with you. A man who can't bear to have a little china thrown his way is not thinking clearly. Plate-hurling is a sign of passion. It's a man's cue to burst into tears, kneel on the floor, clutch your ankles and beg your pardon, and then carry you upstairs and make love for a couple of hours in utter abandon, whooping, throwing furniture around, etc. This guy wants to incorporate you into his illness. He is trying to toy with your feelings, test you, pull your string, make his problems your problems. Don't accept it. Don't phone, don't write. Let him. If he recovers and comes back, be good and surprised. Dear Mr. Blue, I'm a 35-year-old woman who just got a job at a magazine I love. They moved me out to Los Angeles and I brought my boyfriend along. He's always wanted to live in Southern California. I've been with this man for three years, but I have to admit, they haven't always been as rewarding as I would like. He isn't educated, either formally or in a worldly sense. He is fun, smart, sexy and mostly easy-going, but a real high-maintenance kind of guy. He has a lot of unfinished projects he keeps going back to and animals he keeps around and now he's left L.A. and gone back East because he left so many things unfinished. He says he's coming back in a couple of weeks. My problem is that I'm kind of sick of this "one day" thinking. My one day has arrived. It's here. I've moved. I'm making friends. The job is going great. I wouldn't mind meeting someone else at this point. He just holds me back. What should I do? In L.A. and enjoying it Dear L.A., You want my permission? You want me to write dialogue for you? Just tell him, "Jim, you're a terrific guy, but you don't fit into my plans anymore. Your lack of sophistication does not wear well here, and I am embarrassed to have you on my arm when I go amongst my magazine pals. Thanks for the memories and please pay up your half of the phone bill." And don't worry about cutting him loose. It happens all the time.
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