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Is three a crowd? | page 1, 2, 3
I am an intelligent, fun-loving girl, considered pretty, and I find that so many guys my age
are turned-off by smart girls. After two years of college I have had only one boyfriend and
have been hopelessly unattached for almost a year. I have no idea how to interact
with guys and break the ice. I don't want to feel weird and out-of-place forever! 19 1/2 Dear 19 1/2, One of the basic lessons of life is that none of us is universal, none of us fits
everywhere, and popularity and attractiveness vary according to local conditions. So you
avoid people you don't belong among and you seek out people where you feel happy and
cherished. It's a foolish goose who goes to the fox's church. If you come into contact with
men who aren't comfortable around an intelligent woman, you're in the wrong place. Leave.
There are plenty of bright men in the world who seek equals and find intelligence attractive
and erotically exciting. Dear Mr. Blue, My friend has started sleeping with her boyfriend's cousin, who happens to be going
out with her best friend. Her best friend and her boyfriend have no idea
about this. She and her boyfriend's cousin have a real physical attraction,
but she doesn't want to hurt anybody. She doesn't know how to resolve
these feelings and frankly I am no help at all. What's your advice?
Wanting to Help Dear Wanting to Help, Short of suggesting you tie a dead mackerel around her neck, I'm no
help either. She'll have to learn from experience, I guess. But don't you get drawn into
telling lies to protect her. And make sure she knows that you won't. Dear Mr. Blue, After being married for 13 years, I left home for a life of adventure (encouraged to
leave by my wife, let me add), and I met a young woman and fell madly in love. I was a
man possessed by passion and rapture. I cared deeply for her. Soon we had a child. Life was
good for about four years, and then, driven by I don't know what, I committed a terrible
indiscretion with a person close to her. She left instantly. Never looked back. I was hospitalized for depression a week after she left.
Did the therapy and Paxil for six months. Days turned to night. Life has never been the same
since. I know I made a terrible mistake. I have repented and asked for forgiveness many
times. Eighteen months have passed and I haven't lost hope that one day she will return. We
speak daily, mostly about money and our daughter. Once in a while I bring up the subject of
reconciliation. She tells me she will never return to my side and the only thing she needs
from me is money. How long should I continue pursuing a reconciliation? She says I am only hurting myself by
not letting her go. Driven by hope Dear Driven, Keep in contact with your wife, and don't mention reconciliation. She's already
answered that question. You can, however, still court her, primarily by paying attention to
your daughter. Being a loving and funny father is your best chance to put yourself in a
favorable light. And while you're being a great dad, maybe you should investigate the cause
of that terrible indiscretion. Dear Mr. Blue, I am a 45-year-old physician, married for 18 years, still in love with my wife and
crazy about our four kids. In the last several months, I've developed an enormous crush on a
lady doctor in the clinic where I work. I feel like a teenager, obsessed with thoughts of her,
fantasizing all sorts of scenarios of us getting together. She's younger than I, also
married, but with no children. Despite our busy days, we manage to find time at lunch or at
the end of the day to have long conversations, so far fairly safe and neutral, which she seems
to enjoy as much as I do. I'm afraid if this woman ever sent any stronger signals that she
was interested, I would go for it. Is this a midlife crisis or what? Doctor Torn Dear Doctor, Eighteen years is a long time to go without temptation, and maybe that's why
it's landed on you so hard. If you savor this obsession, you can keep it in play for months or
years, simply by continuing these conversations. However, a sexual overture to a colleague
carries enormous risks, and you should pause to consider them: You could, without exerting
yourself much, get hit with a sexual harassment action, perhaps a lawsuit, that could affect
your professional future in addition to driving your wife away and alienating your four
children. These playful urges do carry real risks. I suggest you invite a third person to join
the conversation. And invite the lady doctor and her husband to your home for dinner. That
ought to let the air out of the obsession. Dear Mr. Blue, I grew up in a small town in a good church where there were plenty of old couples who were
devoted to each other, and though my parents were divorced, nastily, I was determined that if
I ever got married we'd be one of those old couples. So five years ago I fell profoundly in
love and the feeling was mutual. We married two years ago and now have a baby. And now
I feel desperately trapped and pretty miserable. I don't know what
happened. The respect and tenderness are gone and I spend most of my days
trying to conceive a way out. I can't go on like this. The thought of therapy seems
narcissistic and divorce equally so. I've usually been able to make myself think positive
thoughts. But I can't think my spouse into behaving differently and I certainly can't ask him
to -- in fact, he has changed very little. I think if I told him what I've told you he'd be
mystified. I can't confront him about anything without him denying any
recognition of what I'm talking about (no matter what the subject, he's
always right). Even if he pretends to be open-minded about something, it's
usually just passive condescension. Is the hope for growing old together just old-fashioned? Is there a way to reestablish respect
out of bitterness? Can you offer any hope? Wanting out Dear Wanting, If you haven't told your husband that you're miserable, you need to, either
straight to his face or else tell it to a marriage counselor in his presence. It's important for
him to hear it, if you respect and love him. But only tell him how you feel; don't frame your
misery in accusations. You can safely assume he's at least as unhappy and confused as you.
Is there hope? Yes, of course. You were profoundly in love with him a few years ago, and
he hasn't changed much: What's changed is that you have a baby, an exhausting experience
for anybody, and one you need to work around in order to shore up the marriage. Love is a
habit. You speak a kind word and perform a tender and thoughtful act, and the first attempt
makes the next one easier. You restore good manners. And you start to pull out of this dive.
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