I am married, 31, have been having an affair with a married man for seven years, and about a year ago his attentions toward me seemed to wane. I was jealous and did some spying and found out he definitely was having an affair with another woman. (He does not know that I know.) I'm still in love with him. Do I give him up? I've been trying but it's hard.

Nuts in New York

Dear Nuts,

To experience infidelity within an adulterous relationship must be irritating, but one must draw the line here and consider tossing the gentleman overboard. Let us assume that your husband is having an affair with a meteorologist whose ballplayer hubby is shacked up with four women around the Big Soo League whose husbands are all having affairs with various waitresses, and that your lover's wife is in bed with her pediatrician who is married to a woman who is sleeping with the florist who is banging three other customers, and that your lover's other lover is also getting it on with four firemen from Hook & Ladder Company No. 3. And all of these illicit lovers have an eye out for other customers. You are thereby exposing yourself to more risk than any reasonable person should. There are unsightly diseases creeping around out there. At the very least, tell Superman to bring condoms.

Dear Mr. Blue,

A year ago I fell into a wild, casual relationship with a man who mostly made me miserable, and finally my good sense won out and two months ago I dumped him for good. And now I can't get him out of my head. I think about him constantly. I've tried everything -- meditation, burying myself in work, spending time with friends, traveling, meeting new people, dating -- but I still can't shake him. He made me unhappy so why does my brain refuse to cooperate? I just want him gone.

Tired of Thinking About Him

Dear Tired,

It's like my sixth grade teacher who liked to beat up on kids. His making you miserable made him memorable, and the harder you try to expel him from memory, the longer he persists. It's like trying to expunge the thought of panda poop: Suddenly you see it everywhere. Or like a particularly vapid song that keeps playing in your head: You just have to wait for the battery to run down. In a month, he'll be fainter. In two months, fainter yet. And after that you'll lose track.

Dear Mr. Blue,

You know those little floating, transparent, bubble-like things you get in your eyes sometimes? Well, a few weeks back, I got a couple dozen of them in both eyes like an angry swarm of bees, and they're driving me crazy. I went to a couple of doctors, and they've told me that while it's probably nothing dangerous, odds are that it won't get better, and with time it'll probably get worse. There's also no treatment. I'm 29 and I can't quite accept the idea that I'm stuck with this state of affairs forever. I'm so frustrated and depressed, and I'm not sure how to let go of this despair and move on to more productive, pleasant things?

Visual Person

Dear Visual Person,

I don't practice medicine, only psychiatry, so I referred your letter to my cousin, Dr. Blue, the internist, and he says you definitely should see a neurologist, and perhaps an ophthalmologist who is a retina specialist. You could be suffering from a tumor, or a visual migraine, which can cause swarms of spots, or "scintillating scotomata," or you may have a neurologic disease of the visual cortex: There is a long list of possible disorders that a thoughtful neurologist will consider. You say you have seen "a couple of doctors" but this is not adequate. You need to see a neurologist.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I'm 16 and fairly normal with a normal urge to tackle the world. I'm a week away from getting my GED and will be taking some college courses this fall, and I want to move into a dorm starting the second semester. I've got a fairly steady job and I feel I'm ready for this. I'm also pretty sure I'll go bonkers if I don't get the hell out of here.

I believe my parents trust me to be on my own. The problem is, they aren't exactly socialites, and my brother and I are all they have. They're both deathly afraid of growing old alone. They're in their early 50s, so it's not like I'm stuffing the old folks away in a nursing home, but try telling that to them. How do I convince my parents that I'm not abandoning them by moving across town?

Escapee

Dear Escapee,

You take care of yourself and let those poor old people fend for themselves. It's about time they learned to live on their own. I don't believe in children coddling their parents until actual senility begins to settle in and they're no longer able to remember their address. I certainly don't believe in you trying to arrange a social life for them. Give them your phone number, get an answering machine so you don't have to talk to them and trust them to find their own way.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I went back to my hometown recently and had occasion to meet my old boyfriend whom I hadn't seen since we were teenagers (I am 52). I've always had a special place in my heart for him, and when we met, there definitely were sparks flying between us exactly as they did years ago. I find myself fantasizing about selling my house, quitting my job and moving 3000 miles to be with this man whom I spent all of two hours with after an absence of 37 years! I believe the feeling is somewhat mutual as we have had weekly conversations since I returned from vacation. He is in a relationship that is on the verge of ending, he told me. Is it really possible that this man could be my one true love, soul mate, best friend and lover after all these years? Time's a wastin'.

Ready to Leap

Dear Ready,

Think about this for a minute or two. If this man were not in the picture, would you consider moving back to your old hometown? Does it offer you anything else that you want? If you can make a case for the move without counting on him to make you happy, then consider doing it. But if he is the star of the show, then your move appears to be a desperate one. Are you indeed desperate? Keep in mind that desperation is not an attractive quality in a lover. Nothing spooks a man like a woman trying to surround him and rush him toward a Happy Ending. If you can't visualize yourself living in your old hometown as a happy single woman, then this is a bad idea.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I was divorced and got custody of my two children and meanwhile spent a lot of time in my attorney's office and became attracted to a legal secretary. She is recently divorced, too. We had some dates together with our children -- birthday parties, camping trips, and so forth -- but she doesn't want to be with me without the kids. She says she is scared. I can see a future with this woman and don't know how to proceed. Should I just let it go?

Donnie

Dear Donnie,

You can't hurry love, you just have to wait, as the song says. Don't scare her. Don't press, don't angle, don't think strategically. Get to know her, if you like, in everyday prosaic situations, ones without big orchestral soundtracks. Enjoy the summer and the fall. Be a friend to her kids. If you push, you push her away or, worse, you seduce her into a relationship she isn't ready for. If you give her room, you allow whatever might happen to happen.

Dear Mr. Blue,

My ex-boyfriend and I broke up over five years ago and now I'm with a wonderful man and madly in love with him, but this ex-boyfriend keeps lashing out at me. He sends me harassing e-mail. (I wrote him a scathing response.) What should I do?

Tired

Dear Tired,

Don't hit that Tar Baby, sister. If the harassment reaches a point where you reasonably feel threatened, that's different. But never get into an argument with a jerk if you can avoid it. Anger will consume you, if you give it headway, and soon you could be spending hours a day seething over this guy and cussing him out and framing jagged paragraphs to wound him, and what, in the end, does it get you? It only makes you angrier.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I am 31 and have been separated from my husband for 10 months. Just after our third wedding anniversary he announced that he was deeply unhappy in our marriage, and was moving out. We were both dealing with career stress, and I thought we could work through things. So we went through counseling to come to some resolution. He said he was not sure if he wanted to be with me, and as time passed I was feeling the same way, so we agreed to end amicably. I have since met someone I enjoy very much, and want to get on with my life, but my estranged husband says he has "found" a wellspring of love for me, and wants me back. He has "changed," wants to start a family, and is ready to make a "real commitment." Family members are suddenly reminding me of my wedding vows.

A small part of me thinks I should give him this chance. But I hate to lose this other man.

In a Pickle

Dear Pickle,

It's up to your husband, having initiated the breakup, to court you and win you back, and I hope you'd give him that chance. Hear the man out and show him some consideration and spend time with him and give him a chance to sway you. A broken marriage can heal up stronger than it was in the first place. But if there's no feeling for him left in your heart, then say so, and move on.

Dear Mr. Blue,

A man recently asked me out on two wonderful dates and we talked and talked and had a great time, but now he keeps losing my phone number and he forgets to call when he said he would. Last week, I drove an hour and a half to cheer him in a triathlon, and after the event he talked to his sister and other friends and ignored me. I felt invisible and unwanted. (He also mentioned that he'd lost my number again.) Later that day he left three sweet messages at my office, wanting to take me to dinner.

Troubled by Numbers

Dear Troubled,

The social skills of American young men were, as we all know, never high and have disimproved since then, so I guess you can start there: The guy is a schlump when it comes to manners. The question is: Does he mean anything by it? Assume for a moment that he doesn't, that he too had a wonderful time on those two dates and that he meant those sweet messages. Nevertheless, the guy has to figure out how to keep in contact with you. You can't do all the work for him. Go to dinner with him (I guess you probably have already) and have a wonderful time, and then let him figure out whether he wants to remember your number or not.

Dear Mr. Blue:

I have a wonderful boyfriend of three years who is everything I could ever want, except for his commitment issues. We are very much in love, and I trust him completely, but when I mentioned us moving in together, he said it was a bad idea. Things are fine the way they are now, he said, why spoil it? I stay at his place three or four nights a week and want eventually to marry him and would like to see what living together is like, but he won't budge. I just don't get it. What do I do?

Stymied

Dear Stymied,

You brought up the idea and he nixed it. Don't bring it up again. There's no shame in being turned down. Let it stand. But don't spend so many nights at his house. Cut back to one a week. Or less. Go out on the town with your girlfriends. Make a lunch date with your mom. Develope your social life in other directions. This is not gamesmanship or punishment, it's simply to give him a little more room so that he can think about the future without feeling your warm breath on his neck. Two people don't proceed toward couplehood at a lockstep pace. You love him, so be patient.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I have a problem. I am the mother of an 8-year-old boy, my husband is self-employed and I've just lost my job, and now we are, uh, financially challenged. I should be out pounding the pavement with my risumi, but instead I am sneaking upstairs to work on my novel. This is a bad thing. I've never written anything before in my life, but I can't stop writing on this novel. The characters seem real to me. They speak in dialogue that comes from what I know but can only remember at 3 in the morning. The scenery is interesting and the plants smell good in the sun. What am I to do?

I have a wonderful life, my husband is a wonderful man, my son thinks deep thoughts, has a sense of humor. Even the dog is a keeper. It disturbs me that I am risking what I have to this compulsion that won't benefit us in any way when we need every ounce of benefit we can find. I'm investing time in this, and time is all I've got. Do you think this is OK? Say no if it isn't and I'll stop.

Dickens' Poor Relation

Dear Dickens,

Don't stop writing the novel. But do take a realistic look at your financial situation, see where you can cut corners, figure out when you need to find a new job and what income you need to contribute, and then shoehorn the writing around that. And at some point, ask your husband to read a few scenes from the novel, to tell you if he thinks it's a waste of time or not. He's your partner, after all. If he's not too happy about the novel, check with the boy and the dog.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I am 39, married to a woman I love, with three great kids and a job that I enjoy almost every day, happy with my life. About three years ago, my parents divorced after 33 years of tension. My mother made it clear she wanted my siblings and me to disown my father, but I continued contact, albeit sporadic, with him.

This enraged my mother and now she has taken to telling people that she has no children and telling relatives that we did not support her during the divorce. In the beginning, this hurt me deeply, but over time I decided to focus on my own family and now I rarely think about her. Recently, I sent her a letter and received a particularly virulent response.

Do I have an obligation to continue to try to restore my relationship with her?

Weary

Dear Weary,

You can't restore a relationship that she is determined to undermine, but you can speak softly and patiently to her wrath, and this you should do as a spiritual exercise: not to cast aside an angry person or to let her anger infect you, but to speak softly to her. Respond to her virulent letter with one that picks up on any pleasantness in her life and that offers some news about yourself and your family. Don't try to reason with her or defend your actions or argue in any lawyerly way, just be patient and long-suffering, and do it for its own sake and not as a strategy to obtain a result. She's your mother: Be good to her.

Dear Mr. Blue,

I'm 24 and have become very interested in this friend of my roommate. He is almost 39. At this point we are just friends. We have shared a few intense conversations, and I already feel very attracted to him. I want the relationship to go further, but I have no idea where he is at with this. Should I just wait it out and let it develop slowly or lay my cards on the table now?

Little Green

Dear Little Green,

Don't put anything on the table. It isn't a card game. It isn't a relationship. It's simply talk. So enjoy the talk, and meanwhile try to get a focused picture of this man. He's a lot older than you, not that that's a problem necessarily, but he's had half a life already and you ought to know something about it. If you try to leap ahead into blind passion, you'll miss out on the interesting discovery process.

Dear Mr. Blue,

For years I've written for my own enjoyment, and lately I've been wondering if I have it in me to do it professionally. How does an unpublished writer make the first move toward the publishing world? I've heard that unsolicited manuscripts languish unread in the dusty corners of editors' offices all over the world. Should I start with tiny local magazines? Can one submit to more than one publication at one time?

Steeling for Rejection in Seattle

Dear Steeling,

Your first step is to take a hard critical look at your own stuff. Read it aloud, ponder it, show it to friends and try to figure out what your strong suit is. The stuff sitting in dusty corners is stuff written by people with tin ears; somebody read the first paragraph and tossed it on the pile and eventually it'll get mailed back with a rejection slip. Once you figure out what you do that's really worth a reader's time, you can submit to tiny local magazines or send to the Major Mazumbo Literary Review, but it's very bad luck to send out multiple submissions. You might want to try joining a writers' circle, where the members can bring their work and get the benefit of friendly critical readership.